Haha wtf! Thats indeed very strange.

Had a dream last night that I was Lil B. Based dreams.

i love it

I get up all fast n stuff thinking I"m late n stuff, but class was cancelled today. Good thing, Now I can make breakfast n stuff.

I am so fucking sick of counting parts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

being unemployed is fucking with my mind. i can't stand it!!

ha! tell me about it. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I like them butts...

HAH!

Seeing Mono (Japanese post-rock) did that me too, ears out of commission for at 2-3 days. Maybe my ears are just losing their hearing, but I expected much ear ringing to come from Boris last year, but nothing.

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Thank you.

I just admitted to my ex girlfriend that I was still in love with her and then she said the same to me. I doubt we'll take it further but I'm kind of relieved.

But what's funny is, I think I will always love this girl... she was my first proper love, the first girl I really got along with, the first girl I did tons of fun things with and the girl I lost my virginity to. She said she hasn't been bothered with any guys that have liked her cause she felt none of them could match up to what she felt with me and I felt the same towards her. I don't know, I feel really weird right now. Confused, but kind of happy all the same.

Man, this happens to me a lot. Nostalgia or the past. See, our brains filter out all the bad shit and focus only on the good. We have to ask... was the good worth the bad?

My "First love" was also my... third love or something. As we did the whole "break up for years and then get back together" thing. And then we broke up again. I think about her a lot, and obviously we still love each other, but you know what? All I have to do is remember all the bad shit.

And, with you, there may not be a lot of bad shit to remember. I'd say go for it. There's a familarity that is comforting. There may be some awkwardness but it will pass. I'd take comfort anyday, honestly, than trying to meet someone new and have to explain to them what I'm about.

My problem is that I've always went after girls who are "Going places". You know... the ones... you know them, the ones who are going to move HERE, going to do this THERE, going to BE HERE soon, you know? I think it's because I'm someone who only is comfortable in familiar situations, so I need someone to offset that -- someone with some life and energy. That spark is actually kinda rare, or at least it's rare to find someone who both has it and is interested in me.

I say, have fun. Life's too short. You're always going to wonder about it if you DON'T get back together, whatever's in the past has passed, so why not test it out/ The worst thing that could happen is you could be where you are today. Which isn't a bad place, probably, but maybe a lonely one?

Personally, I've found that I'm usually even lonelier when I'm WITH a girl -- because it brings out all my worst qualities. I would like a constant companion but the idea of a "relationship" scares me, as what I'm attracted to is that UNSTABILITY -- but what I need is stability. That contradiction is interesting... maybe.

Enough about myself. Go watch some Kitano with her, Derek, have a good time.

I'm happy with the way things are right now though. If there was a possibility of us being together again then I think it'd certainly be somewhere in the future but not now. I mean, neither of us are really interested in going out with other people anytime soon and she's said there have been people she knew she SHOULD have felt something for but just couldn't.

I'm just kind of relieved that she had the exact same feelings as me. I mean, we've been head over heels for each other since we were 13 (nearly 5 years) and went out before the last time just like you and your ex did, Adam.

But yeah, neither of us want to be in a relationship right now even though we're both still in love with each other and probably will be for a long time. Weird huh?

Ah.. I think you got it hook line and sinker then. It sounds to me that even if you guys got with someone else, you'd still both secretly wish you were together...

Personally, I've been single, again, now for about 6 weeks and it rules, kinda. I mean... it's hard to put into words how I feel without possibly hurting someone's feelings somewhere (since I know certain people like to check up on me via my posts on this board -- haha!), but fuck it. I think the next time I go into a relationship, I'm going to look at all the pluses... obviously, "companionship", the need to not be lonely, "something to do", etc... all those things seem ridiculous to me. I want more out of a relationship that that. I don't want to use someone, or be used. Er, I don't think I've ever knowingly "used" anyone, but you catch my drift.

Basically, relationships... most of them... kinda seem.... well.... I mean, I always said I love animals but I don't like having "pets". I also don't want children. So, in other words, I don't like the idea of using someone or controlling them. I may have been in the wrong relationships in the past, but I often felt this weird... it may have been mutual sometimes.. but some kind of weird... desperation. Like, I was only in it to not be depressed, as were they. Ultimately, I've found that if you aren't happy in your "single" life, you'll never be happy in a "Relationship" life. If that makes sense.

Personally speaking, I find people fascinating, but usually for the wrong reasons, and am attracted to all the wrong qualities in everyone else. I'm also someone who refuses to fight or argue, which is absolutely no fun at all to any of the girls I've dated who seem to exclusively want to tear me apart for whatever reason.

So, yeah, it feels good to be single right now. Maybe not forever. I mean, I dunno. Like I said, it has more to do with why I even want a "Relationship". I don't really need someone who is going to bring me down... my last few relationships have ended, seemingly, because the other person was always trying to prove they were better than me. "Oh, you may be into THIS but my IQ is 162." or "Oh, you may have all these intersts and friends and things going on...... but I'M IN COLLEGE AND YOU'RE NOT." You know? It all seems so petty. So many people are concerned with things that are downright annoying, trivial, and stupid.

Anyway..

The main thing I want to point out is that most of us have many great loves in our life, but perhaps only one love that transcends the rest. The one person you'd do anything -- ANYTHING -- for; walk miles and miles for, wait hours and hours for, etc. That's something I've thought a lot about... being in a relationship is perhaps only worth it if you still get those feelings in your stomach when you get on the phone, or are about to see the person you like.. and if they feel the same way, then it's a good match. I dunno.

Relationships are cool until the monotony comes into play.

I guess I just want someone to respect my space, and the fact that I like to be alone a lot. Haha.

So, no one.

I shall go for mine now.