abandoned or perhaps RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY from!

use l-tyrosine already. plus magnesium and all the vitamins.

talking about better people is like taunting me with things i cant have. all these hopes and plans are fine if you have the slightest bit of security, but i dont.

i cant stand this all being directed back at my self, it needs to be directed out at the assholes profiteering from it who eventually need to be destroyed.

a cig diary thing - maybe. i can write how i feel or whatever, but my highly inaccurate introspective ideas are generated by a brain which i dont have access to. i cant see whats going on in there. we're not post human enough yet to reflect on our input and output like a computer can.

when the cig sickness randomly strikes me, which it does at some point everytime i quit, it is HELL. absolute fucking hell. i mentioned before what its like.

all i can do is try and cut down and meet targets to reduce it. if i fail i fail. there are better things to think about than a prison diary of the ways people are profiting off my addiction/eventual or perhaps already occuring slow descent into terminal illness.

or maybe you're right. i'll think about it

<koff>

Smoked about seven cigarettes while reading through the last 180 or so posts.



<koff>

I'm a bad duck...

i smoked more than 7 while posting them

i think symbol man is right and i have to stop directing my anger into futile masochistic fantasies of terrorism (although that WILL eventually happen just in case GHCQ and the NSA think they should cut back on their surveillance of me) and stalk this addiction then kill it to death by murdering it until its dead.

i'm too lazy to ever have kept a diary but i keep watch of things and remember them.

even if you could bomb the headquarters of every cigarette company you wouldn't be able to cure your habit, and even if there were no cigarettes you'd go mad like you did when you quit before, so you'd still have a problem. so while cigarette companies might very well be criminal fucks, and they will probably be sued out of existence, your disease still needs a cure.

i get it that all is a part of a larger whole, i do, and i get that things need to be understood that way, but what i'm suggesting is to break it down to small elements that you can defeat easily. the only way to complete very large tasks is to chunk them into manageable parts. you can't kill a mammoth with your fists.

anyway, i will say no more lest you think i'm giving you a "pep talk," but i've told you what i know, and if you can find some use for it great, and if not i'm sorry.

yeah i edited my responses to your post like 3 times dialing down the anger each time lol.

i'm going do what you suggest. but someone has to promise that if i successfully quit THEN die of lung cancer you will mummify my corpse, implant a bomb in it with its countdown clock replacing my heartbeat, then operate it by remote control and direct it into the boardroom of one of the tobacco companies and detonate. its only fair.

i think i need to assemble a dose of various anti depressants/supplements to keep in reserve for when whatever fucked up thing thats being going on in my nervous system when i quit happens.

oh, i must have read a previous version. no worries.

funny enough, the day i say you need to become your own doctor i ended up watching dallas buyers club which is basically about that same principle. the story was retouched for hollywood but it's still great in spite of its falsehoods-- of course could have been better, like anything that comes out of that cultural shithole, but eh, i'd still recommend it.

Why hasn't vaping come up yet? I mean, nicotine is only a mild carcinogen compared to the dozen other carcinogens in raw tobacco smoke, and while the heart disease is in part caused by a natural reaction to nicotine, vaping will at least be less harmful medium towards quitting.. seems to work for some people

i sold e-cigs.

vaped like fuck. it made me feel odd in the end. and people are dropping dead from it, oil seems to gather on their lungs.

it also does make some people quit.

lack of long term data.

Me? I wouldn't vape. I LOVE tobacco smoke, particularly the unique aromatic flavors. I wouldn't even feel remotely satisfied without it, like taking caffeine pills to replace the simple joy of drinking richly made Turskish coffee ;)

Vaping is alright. the people dying from it are idiots who ingest the nicotine liquid, or little kids whose idiot caretakers are leaving them alone with vapes and the nicotine liquid. You can definitely OD on nicotine. make you sick as fuck.

I hate it...jsut ain't the same. Vaping dope however....that's all groovy with me.

it is not the same for sure, but I find it eases my nicotine craving. I bought a Blue disposable vape, and after I got used to the taste, I enjoy taking 3-4 drags from it every few days after work. It does just enough to relax. I have friends though who forget and smoke it for hours which is NOT GOOD

It has also lasted me from 2/14/2014 to today. still has not run out.

BTW, the food grade oil used in the vapes is the same shit they use to make fake fog in smoke machines, like at the foggiest show I ever saw, White Zombie/EyeHateGod at #'s Nightclub. could not see SHIT

i vaped so much i could almost do a bottle of oil in a DAY

nicotine owns me, deep down to the molecular level.

i found it heroic. i wish i could have said the things ron said to those doctors only in regards to SSRI's.

the homophobia of a bisexual man living in redneck country - that's not authentic homophobia, thats a survival mechanism.

people dont understand why gay men CAMP IT LIKE FUCK - the reason is that its a way of disarming people. people do not like the ambiguity. they can deal more easily when the moment they set eyes on a man, they can tell he is gay.

its a great movie.