| Genteel Death |
04.15.2014 06:16 PM |
I Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Who Is That Girl In The Mirror?
I was hesitant to write my story because I have had someone recently just flat out tell me I'm making it up. God I wish I was making it all up. I was afraid to write it because I have a huge fear of rejection as I'm sure many of you do suffering from BDD. And if people started telling me I'm full of it I just couldnt handle that. But after reading some of you're stories I feel confident enough that no one is going to do that to me. So, I am not quite sure when I developed BDD but I was diagnosed at 16 and to me it seems as if things have gotten worse over the past seven years since. I wake up daily and walk to the kitchen sink where I keep my tooth brush and brush my teeth. I then make sure the bathroom light is off, shut the door and hop in a dark shower. I also get dressed, use the bathroom and wash my hands in the dark. The reason I do this is because I cannot stand to see myself in a mirror. Sometimes if I HAVE to look for reasons like putting on makeup or taking a picture, which I'll get into later, I am mortified by what I see. I no longer know what I truly look like. When I look at myself I see a girl who is at least a hundred pounds more than what the scales say. A girl whose hair is too thin, arms too fat, lips too thin, the list could go on and on. It feels as if every time I look in the mirror I'm looking in a circus fun house mirror I know its not right, it can't be BUT no matter how hard I squint or blink or splash my face with water I cant see myself the way everyone else does. It has been like this for as long as I can remember, but the side effects from it are getting worse and worse. I.E my self hatred, inability to go out in public, suicidal thoughts. Not to mention the negative side effects surrounding friends and relationships. I have not worked in three years because I'm too concerned about what people are thinking of me. I'm 23 and still do not have a drivers licence because I'm so afraid of failure and rejection. If not for my husband I would be completely hopeless but he is quickly becoming stressed over my problems. He hates that I wont go for a walk in the park or a bike ride because I dont want people thinking that fat chick has no purpose riding a bike. I also think I may have developed an eating disorder because of this. I dont think I have but he does. Basically I eat about twice a week something small and thats only because I am so light headed and dizzy from not eating. I dont do this because I want to get thin (although I do) I just do it because I'm not hungry. I wouldn't really call that an eating disorder. But anyway I do occasionally take pictures mainly because my family 2000 miles away demands them so what I'll do is take between 30 and 50 pictures until I finally get one that is eh, not hideous then I'll change the lighting and everything I can do to make that picture passable. And even then I hate it. I have truly felt like I am not good enough or pretty enough to be alive. I go out in public for groceries or whatever and no matter what anyone else looks like I am the ugliest person in that store. I just want to run away and cry. I spend on average atleast 2 hours a day crying in a dark bedroom over my self hate. I dont wear shorts or capris in public because I dont want the world to see my fat legs, I dont wear tee shirts because I feel to masculine I only wear my hair down also for that reason. I will wear a hoodie during the boiling arizona summer. All because I care so much what other people think. To be honest I am very fed up with it. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I see my self so distorted. But how do I change? How do I become a person again, how do I feel whole? Friends have suggested a few different things first was to look at myself in the mirror more, try to love myself. I tried that only made me super depressed I cried the whole time I looked in the mirror. Another told me to go out and keep the mentality "who cares what they think" well, I walked down empty isles it seemed to work fine but as soon as I saw another person glance in my direction instantly I was thinking oh god they think I'm hideous so that one failed as well. And finally the closest I ever came to breakthrough. A friend suggested that I go to work, (I had a job for 2 weeks last year) go to work with your hair in a pony tail. Something that would seem so easy to most but to me was a complete nightmare. So I mustered up all the courage I had and wore my hair in a pony tail. Although it was on my mind constantly what people were thinking & although it only stayed up two hours (I started to panic) I did it. I was so proud of myself for actually doing it however brief it was it was a baby step forward. Shortly after the stress of being in public everyday at work got to me and I quit so I never really had a good opportunity to try it again, but who knows maybe someday. I just feel so alone in this struggle sometimes. I wish there was an easy fix & I could finally be happy and normal like everyone else. I've had people tell me I'm pretty and I just want to hit them. Every time some one tells me I'm pretty it feels like an insult like they are mocking me. Either that or they feel sorry for me. Most people when given a complement smile and say thank you, I always give a look of disgust and think yeah right, who are you kidding? I hate this so much ugh I wish I could change.....
|
