The bipolar part only affects me at my extremes. The 25 migraine days a month however is what is dibilitating. I have jto call off, the anxiety compounds, the job loss is inevitable.

When the migraines started at 14, and up to to age 26, I powered through. I endured because I didn't know there was any other way to live. My first hospitalization broke me. I can't endure the physical pain anymore.

damn, I thought I was the only nutbag over here :D


my mental state, over the past three years, can best be described as follows:
see this post, then add this piece of music. The lyrics are simple and repeatable. But focus only on the first word, and the way she sings it, ignore the rest of the lyrics. And since YT automatically started playing it, add this song too



and this:




Hey, we should talk, I worked for let's say a supplier for the automobile companies, on and off since 2001. I did like my job, I loved it. I was always willing to work my ass off 24/7, I don't care about paychecks, never never asked for a raise, satisfaction is my paycheck. Biggest paycheck I ever got is when I was standing at a traffic light, to turn left, a car stopped next to me, and it was Ronald Koeman, who was then the coach of PSV. He was driving the same car (a big ass luxurious car) that I had been working on for two years (and this was like a year after the project had finished). Now I left the company and don't want to work anywhere else anymore. I don't want to get out of my house anymore.

I have a history with visiting psychologists. One time I got a new one, I entered the room and the first thing he said while looking through the notes of his predecessor: "oh, you've got an Oedipus-complex" (I think that's what he said). I stormed out the room yelling I DO NOT HAVE AN OEDIPUS COMPLEX, never to return again.


My parents had a bad marriage, not in the sense of physical abuse (even though there were some occasions) but they stayed together for the kids., probably since I was 4 years old and I was the youngest of three kids. They got divorced when I was 18. And I only fully realized this until last year and I am in my forties now. Imagine you're at the dinner table and they only have conversations with each other via the dog. They would sleep in the same bed, but with rolled up towels in between.

I don't speak about my issues easily, especially if they are very very big, and even if people offer help I don't accept it easily. These are my problems, stay away from them. And also I never like to speak in public, give presentations and such. And perhaps you have noticed, I usually only write short bits and then imagine that the reader can fill up the blanks. The thing that colleague said caused a nuclear implosion in my brain. A big huge mushroom cloud in my brain. Implosion, not explosion, I didn't say a word to her. She was going on holiday, everybody else in our project was working overtime. She hadn't worked overtime, not for one second, she was the only one. And this was not a one time situation, it had been going on for years and it went on for another 6 months. It only stopped after I shouted to the responsible manager who didn't give a fuck for 10 minutes. And since then I could only shout at managers. So they said I had an anger problem, yes yes yes, but goddamn if you don't want to listen ever ever, of course I have an anger problem. The bitch fucked me in the skull and all that they said was oh oh oh she is so smart. To understand this, imagine you are on a football field. I am a left back defender, she is a rightwing offender. She is a very very good offender, I am a very very good defender. I stay away from the offense, she shits all over the defense. And management does not see that because they are only looking at her offense qualities. And I had to clean up that shit and compensate the fact that she was useless while I was already working overtime.



And I had just had a two day course where the most important lesson that I learned was "treat you colleagues with respect". And these two people had followed that same training and told me I should go there too. I wanted to patiently explain why she had pissed me off so much, but I was not allowed to speak to her.



Here's another song
I'm not crazy, you're the one that's crazy!


For as long as I worked for that company, they asked me to share my knowledge. From the moment that I wanted to share my knowledge and saw the necessity of it, they told me to not interfere. I tried to write down my knowledge but it's covered deeply under frustration that I cannot separate from another. 18 pages in a Word document, and I could go on and on. And now I signed an agreement that I not discuss this situation in public.


Final song for now. Fucking brilliant live band btw, if you ever get the chance, do not hesitate.

ahhhh

it’s a social problem...

i understand the rage

(and sartre was right: hell is other people)

and i think i see the problem and the why but won’t say here

also: freud! lmfao. that shit is SO outdated. i hope you asked for your money back.

You dont end up posting on SYG in the year of our lord 2019 unless you're a bit of a fruitbat lol

Lol, the groucho marx reference is in line with us still talkin youth.

My neurological anthems would have to be Androgynous Mind, Lithium, and Temple Pressure by some dude whose name I cannot recall.

Some therapists are terrible people just like the rest of the world.

I had just divorced my wife less than two months prior, just got out of the psych ward, and spiraling into the deepest depression of my life. My first appointment with a therapist, first thing I say is "I miss my wife". She says in a snippy tone, "Well why would you miss her? It obviously didn't work out."

Wow. I have no idea how I didn't leave right then. Never came back for damn sure.