Dear Christian Bale

I know you're probably a raging hetero, but could you bugger me senseless anyway?

Yours sweetly

Melly xx

Which Scottish bastard is she with?

Man, I remember those days too :) Too bad they didn't last long!

Malcolm 'Strap' Middleton, I believe.

Dear Charlotte Church/everyone Glice has mentioned so far/Claire out of Steps,

I know the world misunderstands you. But together we can make it work. Let's run away together.

DR666

Dear Jamiroquai,

If you don't listen to my mate Melly, I'm going to eat your lungs and piss in your liver you fucking cunt.

Yours,

Glice.

Dear Charlotte 'Charlie' Church,

If you dare break our sacred holy bond (viz., me wanking over you on telly) I'll eat your fucking tonsils you callow bitch.

Yours,

Glice.

Dear Aviril Lavigne

I think my son demon's cheating on you again

Yours shopping my boy to the 3AM Girls ("Just leave the five grand in used tenners by the till at the basement in Soho Books - yeah, by the anal section")

Melly

Dear Guy Ritchie

STOP MAKING FILMS NOW!!!!

Yours tired of mockney shite

Melly

PS Same goes for you, Tarantino

hes my favorite actor.

Dear Suggs,

Nobody likes you anymore, except Jools Holland. And nobody likes him anymore, except Paul Weller. And nobody likes him anymore, except Noel Gallagher. And nobody likes him anymore, except Johnny Borrell. And nobody likes him anymore except Kirsten Dunst. And nobody likes her anymore, except me.

So you're fucked, mate.

Yours,

DR666

Dear David Beckham

Have you never felt like giving your "wife" a good kick in the cunt?

Yours just asking, like

Melly

dear justin lee hawkings,

you utterly ridiculous fucking cunt just fuck off and die. you make me want to slit my writs and spray blood all over your stupid bearded ugly west country fat fucking face. you cunt.

yours etc etc
jon

Dear Bernard Manning

You're dead, you wanker.

Melly

dear hosts of the friday night project,

i hope you fucking burn in hell and get bits of you nailed to the floor. why dont you just stop making such irrelevant telly you utterly predictable bunch of useless fucking cunts.

etc.

Dear Paul Weller

Why are you such a total cunt? Is is because you wish you were brought up in Ladbroke Grove instead of Woking?

Yours expectantly

Melly

Dear Konni Huq,

Why don't you return my letters? Do you, perhaps, have fears that my enormous penis might damage your cervix?

Yours, big-cockedly,

Glice.

dear christopher meloni,

i saw your oz blowjob & shower scenes today, and holy mackerel, will you be mine? i wanna sv you.

sincerely,
emily

Dear Danny Dyer,

When your peers were all out fingering girls in the park and nicking cadbury's cream eggs from the corner shop, you were busy being a tree at drama school. Remember that you fucking cunt.

DR666

Dear Samuel L. Motherfuckin' Jackson,

I know I didn't see Black Snake Moan, yes yes I'm a motherfucker got yah, but I really dug those tunes you sang on for the soundtrack. Please record an album. I would love to hear more songs about you putting bullets into some motherfucker's chest.

Your motherfukin' fan,
pbradley