There are actually two handguns in my apartment. That aside, you can use yours, I'll come empty-handed. Then maybe we'll be evenly matched.

next.

'Next' was a terrible movie, and as soul-crushingly bad as it was it won't help you in our fight.

Ha. That sounds like one of those tv-show-spoof-pornos that are all over now.

^^ nyc represent.

nice Will Oldham impersonation

I've never met a girl that meets my impossibly high standards.

Knew/dated some that came close but no bones.

(is that a real idiom? No bones? I hope so)

i just became single again. she was sort of nuts... but I still feel upset about it.

One time my husband was at the grocery store and one of his socks from the dryer came out the leg of his pants onto the floor in an aisle. He called whispering to tell me. I tried to make him pick it up to bring home, but he refused.

said i heard her call my name is an awful song

When my daughter was about two, we were shopping in the grocery store and it was very busy. She was sitting in the seat portion of the cart facing me as I pushed the cart. We got in the long line to the cash register, and all of a sudden she goes, pointing to the crotch of my jeans, "Daddy, is that your penis?"

I did my best to "cover" this, so to speak, by going, "No, honey, we're not buying peanuts."

She also loved to act like we were beating her to death if we had to remove her from a store for throwing a tantrum. Several times I remember carrying out of a store while she screamed, "Ow! Ow! Ow! You're HURTING me. You're HURTING me."

Aww that's adorable!

When my 2 sons were little they wanted to be garbagemen because they thought they only worked one day a week.

I wanted to be a garbageman when I was a kid. Broke my mother's heart.

Tell mom it could've been alot worse. You could've wanted to be a proctologist. hah

As much as I love asses, I'd rather freelance and pick my own ass projects.

haha, agreed!

today i came home from work obviously in a bad mood and tired so i just laid down on the couch and turned on spongebob ready to pass out so then the other one came over and gave me a back massage all on his own and it was fucking fabulous.