:rolleyes:

I know.
I had one of the worse panic attacks at work one day, and this lady sorta walking by said "you know, those things are all in the mind". I wanted to fuck her face with an ice pick. Statements like that are full of sense, while panic attacks are full of sympathetic nervous chemical floodings that render cognition absolutely useless.

It's not really so possible to control panic attacks as they come, as much as living a less stressed lifestyle as a whole. Sure, that might sound more like a bunch of useless advice. But its just like a person that just cannot lose weight no matter what they do, meanwhile other folks are pounding hot dogs and milkshakes with a tiny frame. The person with an ultra sensitive nervous system has to make very delicate tweaks in their overall life. You just have to reckon with how you manage stress. I for one cant be moving around changing jobs on a whim etc because I need the stability.

And then theres hormones - sugar and caffeine and fat in the diet igniting hormones that work against you.

I cant go on because this shit goes forever.

it's the truth.


that's pretty much how I did it. it all comes down to who's in control of yr mind. you or the perceived threats?

[this space contained deleted text]

worry on.

ps: if yr having actual panic attacks then you need to see a physician, as they could stem from physiological problems (ie: yr heart/adrenal system).

I'm not trying to minimize yr problems, just saying that if you are prone to full-on attacks, there may be a reason why.

have a sunshiney day. :)

Perceived threats are a maze.

Why must you always have those brackets of deleted text. I want your dead texts!

it's not worth it. best intentions better left unsaid etc etc.

besides, all of my dead texts are already in hell.

Yeah, I've gotten really good at packaging my true thoughts for the hell train, myself. Sometimes an odd one slips. They rarely help. It's worse when they do though, cause then more shit ones slip in the future until I remember what the fuck I'm on.

Anyways. I like the statement "gravely ill". It's more real than "terminally ill". That one always made me think of regular visits to public transit terminals, and that is a fate worse than death.

they are two different things.

gravis (heavy) < terminus (boundry\end)

I'd much rather be gravely ill. it's not as goth as it sounds.

Being gravely, terribly, heavily ill only delays the inevitable greeting of boundaries.

Agh, fuck you, transit!

But...that's the way.

Just like how being fucked up and doing fucked up things is the way.

yeah i like to get fucked up too and do some fucked up shit.




yeah, i bet you do.

uh huh. I want to say that it's such an old thing to say. Without being offesnive.

I don't for a moment believe you are completely cured of yr pre programmed ways.

lets see how you feel next spring. who's in control my butt.

I'm not saying that I don't believe in having some kind of control of how much my worrying has an effect on my life.

Just that sometimes I can't help it happening in the first place. I'm aware don't need to let it take over me.

meh.

Anyone who has never experienced a full on panic attack really has no idea.

It might be all fine afterward but at the time there is only so much (at least in my case) that I can do to try and halt it or reduce the severity. I have a million techniques that I use to cope, keep them at bay. I know what sets me off ( to a certain extent) and I avoid it.

I'm a different person when Im that far out of control. That is frightening in itself.

Sometimes, it's not just YOU. (you you you you you you you YOUUUU!) . But a process. Something relatable to human nature. Doesnt that make things feel better? But what you do with yourself adds.

My mother and older brother revealed stints of over-anxiety in their twenties. It made me wonder if it was simply a general enactment of genetic processing that I was enduring. But you know...my environment was foolish. Too much E, whiskey and speed. So it was like I took an overly sensitive nervous system and pounded it into the dirt. I believe in all this because of how long of a recovery I've had to take. It's taken a LOT to recover.

I dont know what lifestyle you have. But even more basic dietary misalignments can cause disarray in ultra sensitive ecosystems.

I'm searching for a point, and I think it's in how my family has nervous issues. Sometimes you simply grow out of it. And then from that, sometimes a person reacts by adding. I think I've tried to shock myself into changing away from my circumstances. That if I didnt know what I wanted, that by traumatizing myself, I'd somehow develop something useful and binding out of necessity. But forcing myself hasnt worked. It's merely excuses, like silent noise.

ah yes, let's patronize the elderly because they're old.

as well as tornadoes, I'm also afraid of bees. I run from them, screaming eeeeeeee like a lil girl. it doesn't mean I worry about bees.

I don't even worry about tornadoes anymore. sure, it's upsetting when a fucking doppler radar puts them on top of my house, but I don't spend march to may fretting.

what, me worry?

You better get back down to bed. This thread can take down the whirler's.

Besides, bees are my specialty. You didnt know. I am candyman.

Bees inside.

yeah bed sounds like the best idea right now.

for as much as I love the internet, I sure hate the motherfucker too.

True. Let's continue to patronize the old.
Somebody's got to cut up the zombies.

I'd like to say that I've never abused my mind/body but I have. Only to escape when I've already put myself into situations that are so draining mentally physically or both..

Last night I was talking about something similar.. how much control you can have over what happens to you vs how you react vs what your body will react to because of yr own distinctive makeup.

What else have you chanaged, apart from staying away from booze and amphets?

something really worrying me right now is that i listened to a recording of myself singing from two years ago and my voice sounded so angelic and untouched and pure, almost like a child's, and now i sound like hell.

why would I need to patronize you about being old when you run away from bees? That's more than enough..


did you have some life changing near death experience I missed?

Well Satan, that only depends on how much it means to you.
It's similar to when I used to peruse my old journals. Good god!!!! Identities change, voices change. I find myself envying my old self, my old expressiveness. But its not fair. I'm happy to just find similar patterns. I'm glad I never had a ceremonial burning of my old shit, like I wanted to. Patterns are all I have, now.

Anyways.

Phoenix, that is a puzzle that will drain me til I die, probably. You never have control over what "happens to you" , unless you alter if they happened "to" you or they just happened, and then there is a mix between how you react and how you internalize the circumstances in question.
Through time, I will remember the same things that happened years ago but they change depending on how I think of them.

It's almost like the same events that have happened in my life keep happening in different films, based on how my new 'perspective' views them. Maybe thats why I have such a hard time bonding with other people.

Maybe everything is why I have a hard time bonding with other people. I know they're people. And I'm a people. But fuck people.

it's awful to hear myself singing so pretty and then listen to myself now. i couldn't hit a high note now if my life depended on it.

Haha. Nerd.

Share the song?

that's true, it's probably one of those idealistic ways in which I should talk about my life.

I've regularly gone through journals/things and thrown out parts that are no longer relevant or I dislike. I think that's healthy? To move on? It isn't about denying that it was a part of me, because I dont have a problem talking about anything that has happened in my life. More like I don't need keep with me something that is so far in the past.



My sense of time and a lot of my memory is kind of fucked up. I'm not sure how much it would be like that if I hadn't ever taken anything to mess with my head. I'm fairly certain if I hadn't taken anything though, I'd be a different kind of wacky, if here at all.

it's so embarrassing though...

We're using things as landmarks on which to make our next steps. We're trying to anchor real concrete selves. Even if they are fucked up, they have a form, and we can build from them, because even in our vague cageless minds, we know not to build on sand (and that is the aimless burden).

This is the fear. If I let go, then I'll reel out and come back when I'm decrepit and old and am shitting my pants and shitting on everything and I'll lash hatred on anyone that tries to help me because I'd be so fucked up and brainless. If I have family, they will be far enough away because I would have fucked everything up with them, too. That fact would be enough to compound my already batshit crazy self. I wouldnt be able to boil myself a pot of kraft dinner if I wanted to, not even lay in my Pod and do a paint by numbers.

Please, baby.

alright you can hear part of it.

https://www.yousendit.com/download/Y...NDRrUmxFQlE9PQ

i was going to record the same song again for comparison but i can't even stay in tune with myself WITH monitor so that's not happening

If anything, I have more of a fear of not letting go of anything that has held me back. As far as 'later in life' is concerned. Which is the only part of my worry gets to me, why I try to acknowledge it, be okay with it, and then it's over. Life is fluid anyway. Not a forever in one space and time.

Super-great, satan. Thank you. You think you sound different now? I remember how you covered Dear Doctor some time back, the voice is similar. Theres some wispyness. I'd have to compare it to how you sound now, of course.

phoenix, thats hard to discuss, those things that hold you back. What do you think holds you back? Of course life is fluid, and I'm finding similaries in how I operate now versus every day. But I'm also trying to find what I can actually take forward. It's tough. I know not to blame my parents, but therein lies the control issues.

that dear doctor was like 2-3 years ago also.

here let me see if i can at least stay in tune for a fucking minute.

You betcha !

http://www.yousendit.com/download/Yk...QzdlaFJjR0E9PQ

here

Pure stainless steel. Thanks, satan.

is that nirvana?

yr welcome. stones

Nice fuckin' job.
Totally sounded like verse chorus verse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGJpA2ct54A.

You shouldn't worry about God, that niggaz got yo back like a massusse!