Quote:
Originally Posted by Dead-Air
Thanks for all the sympathy, I guess I must have been looking for it. In retrospect I can see how it might seem out of the blue on here except to a few people I've opened up to more private. I just don't like to bitch about my significant other in a public forum, and with all the roller coaster we've been having some wild good times too. So those are more fun to talk and even boast about. Of course sometimes they are an effort to blow away what does not in the end blow away. Now she wants to be best friends, and I doubt I can really do that, but we will be joined together for many years due to Lennon. I don't even know that separation might not make her want to come back, or how she can even hope to afford to move out. For now I would want her to come back or change her mind and not go. I'm ready to see if I can find something that makes me feel differently though.
My son is definitely my number one priority, even above myself. I love him more than anything and will not be a deadbeat under any circumstances. I do worry about having to fight for what's best for him though, but perhaps that can be avoided. I sure hope so.
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Dead-Air, I've said it once, I'll say it a million times, you're my favorite poster here, and part of that reason is because you're really inspiring to me. Your situation parallels mine in a lot of ways (aside from having a kid, and aside from being married). Talked to my ex-old lady today, and she wanted to let me know that while we're apart, she is moving on, and she can't keep loving me the same way because she wants to make the best of the situation while she's elsewhere. Of course, she recognizes I'm wonderful, that no one compares to me, and that I'm her "Best friend ever" but ... she wants to experience new things. The way she has went about things has made me just want to punch her in the face, but I understand her, and I understand why she feels the way she feels, and I understand why things have to be this way. I told her about my date with another chick the other day and she said she didn't want to hear about it. I know she's a bit jealous... and why wouldn't she be? So, of course, she says "Well, >I< am dating someone now!" [who lives 4 hours away] [who has nothing in common with her] [who really has nothing to offer her that I didn't already give her, times ten] But then she admits in the same breath that it probably won't add up to anything but that she has to let me go for now in order to fully enjoy whatever... well... WHATEVER. She said that if we get back together, it'll be for good. I appreciate her honesty, and I guess all that stuff goes without saying, but at the same time I'm kinda feeling like.. if she'd just end it for real, I'd be able to move on. But knowing that she does still love me and does still want to be with me, eventually, makes it impossible for me to be able to just go on with my business. All these thoughts racing through my head -- all the money I've saved for US, all the things I've done for US, all the good times I could've had with other people but instead I sacrificed them for US... it doesn't ultimately mean anything, though, because I love her, even though she's a liar, a cheater, and an immature selfish insaniac. My love for her has never lessened in the least. Heh. I have to look at the good side of things. Yeah, she is "dating" someone else, but they have nothing in common. And he lives 4 hours away. And she sees him a few times a month. I know she just wants a male companion while she's 1500 miles away, doing her thing, and I don't think it's going to amount to much of anything, but I also know that he's delusional enough that he's probably already planning the wedding and shit. I dunno. I'm not worried about that, I just hope that one day she looks at things in a different light.
EVERYONE that knows us -- including her own family and friends -- has sided with me on this, and everyone thinks she's an idiot, but of course almost no one will tell her that. But she wouldn't listen anyway -- she's too busy in this immature baby world, where she can run up credit cards, hang out with people who are 25 or older and have nothing to show for their lives, and take 500 vacations a year, without any regard for anyone but herself. The best thing I'm doing is just sitting back and not trying to stop her from the things she's doing. Hell, I've ever tried helping her -- I gave her $500, because I didn't want her to question my devotion and the fact that I support her, because I honestly do. I want her to do what makes her happy right now, even if I think it's wrong. And I know she's going to fall on her face and fuck up everything, because she always does -- so, again, I'm not stopping her, because if she fails, then she failed on her own... something dramatic and drastic has to happen for her to learn. Still, she has absolutely blown my mind. I have taken up smoking, and I am on antidepressants now, just to be able to cope even the slightest with the shit she's pulled. Yet, I still love her. I forgive her. And I still want to be with her. Do I like the abuse? Do I just focus on the good times and not the bad? I dunno. Because even the abuse turned me on. Even the insanity gave me an erection. Even the pain made me want to fuck her brains out. I think we have a connection far beyond anything normal and complacent, and I think we have a very healthy relationship, somehow. She's just an unhealthy person, period, and I think she's not concerned with the things in life that truely matter. I think the best thing I can do is just stay there for her, and when she moves back (as she will, eventually, and more than likely, very soon, considering she has no money and isn't doing anything whatsoever while down there) I'm sure we'll resume things. One day, she'll look at everything and be like, "Wow, Adam stayed here for me, even after I completely fucked him over, and he even supported me and helped me achieve my goals!" I mean, isn't that what everybody wants? An interesting/funny/nice/somewhat attractive/sexy/successful person? That's what I thought. And I have girls calling me and messaging me, some funnier, a few better-looking, and all of them more mature than what I was with. But I won't even fucking give any of them a chance because I'm still in love with this psychopath. Oh well. She told me she was "moving on" while she was down there, and I said, "okay, tell yourself whatever you need to tell yourself in order to be comfortable with whatever you do while you're down there, though ultimately you're just going to end up complicating everything and causing everyone tons of grief." I mean, what's this guy going to do when she moves back here and gets with me? Is he just going to go, "Oh. Okay." ? Haha. I mean, the whole thing is just SO fucking ridiculous. Why even start a relationship, of any type, with someone who lives hours away, when you have no plan (or, maybe, you do have a plan, but you certainly don't have the ABILITY to..) to keep living down there? Again, I guess she's just trying to make the "best" of the situation while she
is down there, but I don't think that's fair to anyone. But, again, I'm not worried, because if her relationship with this dude ever got past the immature, ridiculous, childish stage it's at now (you know, 2 people hanging out in big groups of friends and going to the movies and then talking on the internet .. wow, what a meaningful relationship!).. well, it wouldn't get very far, considering all the lies she's told him, how she's lead him on for months, and so on and so forth. I dunno. I'm sure she'll never tell him any of this shit, either. It's all just ridiculous. Relationships built on lies and shit. It's funny. She cheated on me with him once (no, she didn't sleep with him), but she cheated on him with me about a thousand times (yes, she slept with me). I mean, what the fuck? The whole thing is just funny. I really wish she'd stop doing this shit to me, but at the same time I think it's a necessary step for us to be happy together. I guess I'm hoping that people, besides me, see through her, and try to stop her from being so ignorant, but I think she surrounds herself with people who lie, just like her. Her whole life has been this facade, this charade, and I'm the only one who is real with her -- and likewise, she can only be real to me. I think she'll appreciate that, even NEED that, one day. But right now, she's 22, just wants to go crazy and do a bunch of immature bullshit, so I won't hold it against her. To be continued.
