Whether you believe it was for love or pleasure, your parents a sex for a GOOD reason. That's why you're here now. For the desire of intimacy and human touch/caressing/whatever. To me, that is enough.

They may not have planned it, but you won the race for a reason.

By not telling me for so many years due to what was obviously their own shame they put some of that into me, I'm sure, but again, I don't feel it on a day-to-day conscious level. I don't think what my mother did by having me illegitimately ("illegitimately" according to society) was all that wrong like they obviously do. But, then again, it does explain a whole lot about possible origins of dualisms in my own personality and certain (very obvious to myself) self-destructive tendencies.

They didn't tell you that your father was not biologically related to you?
dualisms=split personality?

(Okay, this is my way of subtly interrogating), maybe I ought to step back.
I have a curious nature.

Yes, I never knew for sure until I asked on the eve of my twentieth birthday. Everyone has a certain level of psychological schism though. But no, I am not a certifiable split personality with an associative disorder (very few are), although I have been diagnosed before as being chronically depressed.

Some mental health professionals regard heavy depression as anger directed inwards towards the self.

Personally, I think I am just a bit maladjusted like most people and have a touch of manic-depressive bipolar disorder with, to be completely honest, some level of very mild psychosis from years of substance abuse.

But, you go and write that word "psychosis" and people think you're admitting to being a nutcase. I'm not, although I do feel that many who walked in my shoes might be. I feel that I'm a very sensitive person, but I'm also, I think, fairly resilient. I've only just scratched the surface with these posts tonight which are admittedly full of self-pity.

We should all be diagnosed "something". What good would it do, anyway?

It's a shame your depressed..

I'm alright. I need a job though, that's upseting me. I lack all motivation to go and look. I'm not lazy just not motivated. Why do they keep calling me lazy. I'm very active.

Well, it was over a decade ago when I was diagnosed as chronically depressed, and at the time, I probably was. I took SSRIs for a short while. I didn't necessarily wholeheartedly believe in that type of treatment then, but at the time, I felt desperate. Now, I would stongly advise anyone being prescribed such medication to stay away if they can. I haven't seen a psychiatrist since 2001, and have no plans to do so ever again.

That's apparently what the board is for tonight...my own psychological unburdening...since things aren't so great at the moment and I am feeling sorry for myself...haha.

well, sure, you have identified the problem-- as for the solution, self-medication with weed is not exactly a wise choice. say what you want about whatever shrinks you've seen in the past, but the only way i know to cure this (except from being "born again", ha ha), is therapy-- in essence, the therapist fulfills the role of a "good parent" so that your brain can relearn. just like in those mirror box experiments, ha ha ha (see crypto's awesome thread).

but then again, misery can be addictive and change takes a lot of hard work, and chronic depression is well-known territory, isn't it? except that when your options start narrowing down and you're getting trapped, maybe an alarm should go off in your head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYbUCvz1LYE

I cannot afford therapy and clinics that charge a reduced charge provide a poor level of care. Besides, I don't have that kind of time during the day. I do take to heart a lot of Jung's work especially, but have my reservations about much of psychiatry and its labels.

The whole method by which an SSRI works is that it zombiefys you into not being able to dwell on certain thoughts. In my view, the same can be accomplished by denying oneself of free time. So, I'm probably going to start working at night too. I'll be able to save money that way and not have the spare time to do whatever it is that feels good to make myself feel better in the short run. I'll be sacrificing my ego through some hard working, and not be able to dwell on negative things and worrying so much which tends to paralyze one's ability to take action.

Then again, maybe I'll just wimp out, do nothing, and resign myself to a horrible fate in a vainglorious self-fulfilling prophecy.

yeah but depression induces self-destructive, self-sabotaging behavior-- fights with the boss at the night job, getting fired, getting jobs for which you're overqualified (which further depress you), etc.

i was also diagnosed with chronic depression once upon a time but 7 years of therapy cured me of that. the antidepressants were temporary crutches while i got better-- i was prescribed twice, and i was weaned off those within months.

anyway, there are decent doctors out there who will offer sliding scale fees, barter, etc.-- i know someone who used to pay with paintings. i had some debt with my shrink that i paid off by making videos.

your no exit/no solution outlook is in fact a symptom of the depression. you can always make excuses for not trying to get better, and maintain the status quo, but eventually it will come back to bite you in the ass. the longer you wait, the bigger the bite. simple fact.

anyway, best wishes to you.

I've thought about those same pitfalls too and have decided I'll try my best to hang tough through their probable eventuality. Thanks, everyone. I think I'm calling it a night. It's time to turn out the lights; the pity party is over.

sorry to hammer on this, but that's a recipe for a slow-cooked suicide, denials and rationalizations notwithstanding.