why would I need to patronize you about being old when you run away from bees? That's more than enough..


did you have some life changing near death experience I missed?

Well Satan, that only depends on how much it means to you.
It's similar to when I used to peruse my old journals. Good god!!!! Identities change, voices change. I find myself envying my old self, my old expressiveness. But its not fair. I'm happy to just find similar patterns. I'm glad I never had a ceremonial burning of my old shit, like I wanted to. Patterns are all I have, now.

Anyways.

Phoenix, that is a puzzle that will drain me til I die, probably. You never have control over what "happens to you" , unless you alter if they happened "to" you or they just happened, and then there is a mix between how you react and how you internalize the circumstances in question.
Through time, I will remember the same things that happened years ago but they change depending on how I think of them.

It's almost like the same events that have happened in my life keep happening in different films, based on how my new 'perspective' views them. Maybe thats why I have such a hard time bonding with other people.

Maybe everything is why I have a hard time bonding with other people. I know they're people. And I'm a people. But fuck people.

it's awful to hear myself singing so pretty and then listen to myself now. i couldn't hit a high note now if my life depended on it.

Haha. Nerd.

Share the song?

that's true, it's probably one of those idealistic ways in which I should talk about my life.

I've regularly gone through journals/things and thrown out parts that are no longer relevant or I dislike. I think that's healthy? To move on? It isn't about denying that it was a part of me, because I dont have a problem talking about anything that has happened in my life. More like I don't need keep with me something that is so far in the past.



My sense of time and a lot of my memory is kind of fucked up. I'm not sure how much it would be like that if I hadn't ever taken anything to mess with my head. I'm fairly certain if I hadn't taken anything though, I'd be a different kind of wacky, if here at all.

it's so embarrassing though...

We're using things as landmarks on which to make our next steps. We're trying to anchor real concrete selves. Even if they are fucked up, they have a form, and we can build from them, because even in our vague cageless minds, we know not to build on sand (and that is the aimless burden).

This is the fear. If I let go, then I'll reel out and come back when I'm decrepit and old and am shitting my pants and shitting on everything and I'll lash hatred on anyone that tries to help me because I'd be so fucked up and brainless. If I have family, they will be far enough away because I would have fucked everything up with them, too. That fact would be enough to compound my already batshit crazy self. I wouldnt be able to boil myself a pot of kraft dinner if I wanted to, not even lay in my Pod and do a paint by numbers.

Please, baby.

alright you can hear part of it.

https://www.yousendit.com/download/Y...NDRrUmxFQlE9PQ

i was going to record the same song again for comparison but i can't even stay in tune with myself WITH monitor so that's not happening

If anything, I have more of a fear of not letting go of anything that has held me back. As far as 'later in life' is concerned. Which is the only part of my worry gets to me, why I try to acknowledge it, be okay with it, and then it's over. Life is fluid anyway. Not a forever in one space and time.

Super-great, satan. Thank you. You think you sound different now? I remember how you covered Dear Doctor some time back, the voice is similar. Theres some wispyness. I'd have to compare it to how you sound now, of course.

phoenix, thats hard to discuss, those things that hold you back. What do you think holds you back? Of course life is fluid, and I'm finding similaries in how I operate now versus every day. But I'm also trying to find what I can actually take forward. It's tough. I know not to blame my parents, but therein lies the control issues.

that dear doctor was like 2-3 years ago also.

here let me see if i can at least stay in tune for a fucking minute.

You betcha !

http://www.yousendit.com/download/Yk...QzdlaFJjR0E9PQ

here

Pure stainless steel. Thanks, satan.

is that nirvana?

yr welcome. stones

Nice fuckin' job.
Totally sounded like verse chorus verse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGJpA2ct54A.

You shouldn't worry about God, that niggaz got yo back like a massusse!