BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD
sorry my terets iBASTARD BASTARD!
i was going to say that my tBASTARD SHIT BASTARDS!
my terets is acting uBASTARD BASTARD!






....upBASTARDS HELL BITCH BASTARD!

Row, Row, Row your boat gently down the stream, I hope you drown and never come back.

In case I ever die of a massive head wound, I want to go ahead and request an open casket funeral.

repubicans

When the world comes to an end, I want to have my inflatable raft by my side.

Yes, they are aviators, and no, I'm not about to go fly a plane.

I lost my left leg today. But I knew what I was getting into, so don't feel sorry for me.

Was World War I called World War I when it happened? If it was, then the people at the time must have known that World War II was inevitable.

actually it was called 'World War: IV A New Hope'

hilarious.

hilariously hilarious

As I spill the lemonade on my shirt, I am delighted over my decision to make that instead of fruit punch.

porn

Have you ever wondered what Scott Walker does when he's not being a reclusive musician?

Go to the bottom of the page...

she took her face off. there was nothing underneath, not even meat. A gaping whole into the fabric of reality itself.
She sat her face on the bedside table, and moved in closer. I stared into the gaping hole, the most beautiful thing I've

seen. Empty except for the stars. She embraced me, putting my face up to the empty hole where hers otherwise would have

been. My head placed firmly into the hole, all I could see was the abyss. We sat there, crosslegged, on the bed, but all

I could see was eternity. Galaxies spiralling, spinning, falling apart or growing cold and collapsing. I sat there for a

hundred trillion years. Spiralling clouds of cosmic dust and wayward planets formed themselves into a face, and a hand,

that reached out to me. A small, child hand, and it grew into a womans'. I looked down, and saw the fabric of the warp

transforming itself into... me. I saw myself, in proportions which could not be humanly comprehended. But I was no longer

human. There we were, sitting in space, our bodies bigger than the known universe. Moving faster than the speed of light,

breathing space and sweating time. We embraced. It was like nothing ever before in the history of humanity. She held me

close and we fell in love. She told me we`d be together forever, and we were, throughout eternity, until we collapsed

into nothingness, a pure singularity. And with the big bang, we were scattered, our bodies mixed together, homogenous,

everywhere. Forever. This was only the beginning. And the end.

i did that once

it was called The Great War

most historians now agree that both world wars wree actually one long war, with a quiet in the middle. the first world war was not wrapped up satisfactorily allowing germany to rest and begin their same bullshit with new faces leading the charge

screw them

Hey guys, how's it going?

i dropped my phone in a cup of tea. its beyond repair. i dont care.

i found 4 grey hairs!! 4! and im 20
what is going on

today's my day off. But tomorrow i have to get up at 6.15 AM, and then sit in lectures all day.

tomorrow if i want to try
i have to get up at 6 in the morning and go to the train station to see if there is any tickets then i have to get on a train for 7 hours

or i could get stoned tonight and not worry about going away for my long weekend....

Barry White

(204.2 K) Barry White loses it while trying to record a promo

For fans of Talking Heads.

Psycho Chicken
Psycho Chicken (575 K)

A cowboy for Jesus
A Cowboy For Jesus (281.5 K)

Soft Drinks in Cans (Part 1) 1962 US Steel (1.18) Dad and Jerry write a song to get people excited about those new fangled soda cans

Teen Spirit Covers

Smells like something, all right
386DX (1.6 MB) Text-to-speech version by Lassigue Bendthaus, aka LB, aka Senor Coconut, aka 386DX
Abigail (3 MB) Dance version
Dokaka (3.2 MB) With the emphasis on kaka
Gregorian Chant (3.5 MB) Smells like nap time
Paul Anka (2.5 MB) Makes you want to drink Nyquil and crawl behind the armoire
Polka Version (3.5 MB) Thank God Kurt’s dead because this would have killed him
Ragnar Bjarnason (1.6 MB) If I could only have one piece of music on a desert island, it would be this. But I would probably kill myself after two weeks.
Rumal Noorkuu (3.1 MB) Ring-Ding G’Dang G’Dang!
Scala (3.9 MB) Belgian girl’s choir
Smells Like Electro (3.5 MB) By the fabulous Dsico
Smells Like Teen Booty (Soulwax) (3.1 MB) Nirvana/Destiny’s Child Mash-up
String Quartet (3.6 MB) Whatever. Nevermind.
The Bad Plus (5.2 MB)
Espiritu Adolescente by Mandragora Tango Orchestra (unreleased demo) (5.3 MB)
Ukelele Orchestra of Great Britain (2.4 MB)
Weird Al (3.4 MB) Still the best

Nobody Can Do it Like McDonalds Can (1979) (6.93 MB) Flexi-Disc sent to franchisees announcing new jingle. BONUS: A message from Ray Kroc, who is either drunk or dead

Andy Williams for Aji-No-Moto seasoning (MSG) (3.26 MB) See the picture disc here
Dryclean When you Care (514.6 K) The stirring anthem of the International Fabricare Institute
Mary Kay Cosmetics: Inspirational Songs (969.9 K) By The Vickaroos
Keep Your Restrooms Clean, Men (309.8 K) From the Red Lion Gasoline Company
My Bathroom (American Standard) (375.1 K) It’s a special kind of place
Plymouth 65 (884.3 K) Announcing the 1965 Chryslers
Get the Feel of the Wheel (of a Ford) (7.16 MB) from the Ford Pavilion at the 1964 World’s Fair
Rappin’ With Gas (439.4 K)
Recruit, Train and Motivate (328.7 K) Either an Amway song or the gay anthem
Sand (451.1 K) From the 1973 G.E. Industrial, Got to Investigate Silicones!
What is this Thing Called Amway? (241.4 K) Where there’s hope, there’s soap

When the ghosts came again; there were strands, threads caught in every which way, to begin to stitch up the universalities; un-truths and bounded realities, mirroring actuality; in truth a mirror of shards and sharp ends; profoundly ugly to behold, to favour to acknowledge; broken dreams that flow over endless islands of hope, like rocks smoothed by a stream, like the edge over which the water falls; yawning, gaping, inviting; never knowing; never seeing, blind and mute; thwarted senses; having never seen or known, would have had emancipated the luckless, the slaves, the bulldozers, the proles; unmitigated ridicule as babel fell and grew again; yet nothing freed that could be perceived; all therein was darkness, utter and complete and motion was free of meaning or relation; then points like stars arose; blinking out strobes of direction and vagaries; leading out into the saturated holes of daylight and death; duplicitly lyric and prose; turning and churning to a standstill, centrifuge and fuse; burnt and charred beneath recognition; and then there were alkalis and oxides; exploring regions that were helpless to conciliate, a strain, replete with hoarse, rasping scratches; ashes like dust buried in the leavings and autumnal piles; eternally hoping against the brutality of the changing seasons;
the moon, the sky, the stars and the sun; vastly majestic, cruelly empty, like needles leaning left, that bow to the alarming tendencies of the courageous hue and shades; the fiery reminder of auto-nutrition gone horribly mainstream, capitalist like spreading shadows over blank earth, tired of growth and life, the ceaseless battles of death and microbes, challenging, breaking; all within; all tucked in, and so there was morbidity, as there was life, and there were spirits, grey and unsubstantial, always fleeting out of the corners of shapes,
smoke rising out of the depths of burning quarries, of the bleeding earth; and then the ghosts came again, falling into step with the marching troops, the uniform and the consonant, their cries; whimpers of subordination; subservient to banners of heaven and nature, as they lay open to the sky, pounding, like feet on asphalt and concrete; relentless; creep and unabate; seep; the sound of utter defeat; the sea, roaring to sweep its waves over the functionary masses, plebeian thoughts cleansed by the streams of earth's vessels; no longer hollow; filled by the forces that govern the universe itself; the mysterious, cascading, indiscriminate; that balms like bitter roots; tearing into stone and mortar,
that which breaks and contains, that shelters and crushes; a lilting vine that twines, weaves and laces; as it rips into gossamer lace that sublimates, diffusing into the open light; the death of night, the dearth of blight, the spreading dawn; the prolixity and suffusion of day, as the words begin to take hold, to have effect; as the brain registers the impact and the inevitable reaction; the battering of atoms and particles over the laid out paroxysms of brilliant blue depths; unconquered, as yet untouched, unfinished, the resolve of being, of reaching into self and glimpsing divinity and glass, the wind blowing, shuddering into sighs and eddies, forever lost to the eyes of man...

Q. How did I become flexible enough to suck myself?
A. I always suggest you do a search on self suck self fellatio or auto fellatio Go slow and stay focused. Take a yoga class, not only do you learn how to stretch and breath there are always hotties in the class and who knows they may be there for the same reason.

Q. How did you get started? were you able to suck right away?
A. I never even thought it was possible when I was young so I never really tried. I heard about it while talking to a co-worker and how her first porn movie was the one that Ron Jeremy was doing it and she thought it wasn't a pretty site. (Ron, not the act) and she said nobody should have to see that as their first porn movie. I laughed and said no way. So with that bit of info and that seeing that scene in Clerks or was it Mallrats? I had to go look it up. I came across a self sucking site and thought,I think I can do that and started stretching out.

Q. How long did it take you to suck?
A. In about 6 months I was kissing the head, in a year I was half way down. Everyone is different, I know some guys who have been trying for as long as I have and are only able to touch the tip with their tongue.

Q. Do you swallow?
A. This is one of my most asked, I do when I'm in the mood.

Q. How long/big are you?
A. Long/big enough to suck it. lol (thats my favorite answer)
Doesn't really matter how long you are it depends how flexible you are. Sure if you are long, the faster you will reach, but do you think you would want to stop at the tip? ok, I didn't answer that question lol. I am of average size.

Q. How much can you suck?
A. On a flexible day I can suck all of it, on average 3/4.

Q. Are you gay because you suck your own dick?
A. No.
Are you gay when you touch yourself? I look at autofellatio as the ultimate form of masturbation, just because I put My Cock in MY mouth doesn't make me gay, What you feel or know is what makes you the way you are.

Q. Does your wife know you do this?
A. Yes, she knows but "its just not my thing" Although, she does likes some of my pictures.

Q. Who takes your pictures?
A. I am the photographer. Yes, I can take my own pictures too! LOL

Q. Can you really do it?
A. I had to add that one because I get asked all the time.

Q. Is being able to suck yourself nearly as good as having someone else suck you?
A. I have to say I like to lie back and enjoy it especially when they are good at it and my wife is great at it. But, there are times I'm really into sucking myself, and there just isn't anything else like it. I would have to say it is close to 50-50.

^hahahahahahaha

i baked a chocolate cake last night and am about to enjoy it.

I wish you happiness and joy!

glorious, isn't it? i wish i could rep myself.

yr almost as funny as me. almost.

goddamn that crypto. does he not realize the rift he's caused in our home?!

don't blame him for keepin' it real.

no just balme him for being annoying.

How was the cake?