Hahahahaha.

Okay, that's enough of that!

some cool things I found out today:

EGM is back!

Polysics new album in September!

so the last time i was on here, i saw a post that i could have been from him..to me.. so i asked him if he had been on lately and he said no. and hes like why? and i told him cuz i saw a post i was hoping was from him. and he made me read it to him. so i did. and he was like yeah, that wasnt me. and i go yeah, prolly something you wouldnt say huh? and he goes yeah, thats why i dont go on anymore.. i get let down too much too. i was like, ouch.
so i havnt been on since then.
and now im on here, and it made me think of that
and well, now im sad. =/
bye group hug. im leaving this site again for a while.

I’ve been carrying this baggage all day. There are things we should talk about, like how you still don’t respect my request that you not bring up your exes while we’re naked. You’re such a great boyfriend, except for this one thing. I don’t want to seem jealous or insecure, but it eats away at me.

People think of me as this really sweet, intelligent, caring girl, but really I am a total slut. My boyfriend and I are planning on having a threesome and I cannot wait!! I’ve never slept with anyone else before.. I am a really sexual person and I’m glad my boyfriend is too.. I can’t stand sweet guys because I love my men to be manly.. and I love that he worships me. I know it sounds incompatible for a guy to be manly with you, yet still worship you in every way.. physically and emotionally.. Trust me, it’s possible.
My confession is that even though I seem really sweet, shy, reserved, and intelligent.. don’t be fooled. I may read Neitzsche, Descartes, Locke, and all that other great stuff, but it doesn’t mean I’m not a total slut in bed. I think my boyfriend is lucky to have me sexually, because I’m not a real slut, it’s all for him ;)

Dude if you think I’m in love with your girlfriend, you are gravely mistaken. i’m just her friend and I care about her!

I am hereby finished with promiscuous sex, with drinking, with all manner of drugs, and with any and all self-destructive behaviors.
I have promised myself that I will find what I am looking for - REAL love - before engaging in any kind of sexual relations again.
And until that day, my heart and body belong to God. I have just recaptured my faith and, in spite of what my liberal, atheist, self-righteous friends would have to say about it, reading the Bible suddenly makes me happier than I have felt in years.

you are a piece of shit and i don’t understand why anyone likes you. you have an old weathered face, and a terrible attitude. it’s a wonder why anyone hangs out with you at all. you are all excuses, and shitty excuses at that. maybe we’d like you more if you stopped trying to make the entire world feel sorry for you. you are right. you probably will never get married or have children. the world is better off that way.

I love you, but at the same time I hope you get your shit together.. because I just don’t think we can get married unless you finish school. You’re so intelligent, and it’s not your fault at all for the predicament your parents placed you in, but still… I hope you get the ball rolling soon because I’m going to be a junior next year, and then onto law school..
I know the plan was all along that we would marry after we finished school, but I’m worried you won’t be in school until much later.. I hate myself for feeling like that, especially because it is already so tough on you..
Ugh, I mean, obviously I want things to work out for your sake, but there’s that part of me I never express that wants things to work out solely for selfish reasons.
I actually.. may end up graduating in 5 years because of this.. well I mean, I probably will graduate in 5 years instead of 4 simply because I am double-majoring and I fucked up a semester, but also because.. then it will give you more time and you won’t feel as bad..?
I don’t want to bring down your manhood. I know how hard it is for you to visit me on campus knowing you could have went to Yale or Juliard easily had it not been for finances.
God, the system is so fucked up.
Please, let things work out so we can be happy together and I won’t feel like I’m on a train leaving you behind on a platform.. I fucking love you and I want to marry you!

I take that back. I could have wrote this one:
“…I know you will never say anything to me. I just can’t help but wonder what is it, exactly, that you’re thinking when you’re speaking to me. Your eyes seem to say things your mouth won’t let you.”

“I have something to tell you…”
“…I don’t think this is right for me. I want to be, I need to be, studying photography.”
“…I could write volumes upon volumes of my sheer hatred for you. The amount of cruelty, abuse, humiliation, and heartbreak that I’ve endured while with you will never completely leave me. You disgust me.”
“…I know you will never say anything to me. I just can’t help but wonder what is it, exactly, that you’re thinking when you’re speaking to me. Your eyes seem to say things your mouth won’t let you.”
“…I’m sorry for how I have been lately. You truly are a wonderful person and I can see my life with you and your family. Please be patient with me while I sort my mind out. I know you will, but I shouldn’t assume so. I do love you, I’m not entirely sure why I’m holding it back all of a sudden. Just know how much I love you beneath all the madness.”
“…I’m not convinced he’s the man for you. Please don’t marry him.”
“…I really was a bratty child and teenager. You have done nothing but love me and bail me out every single time. I’m sorry, please forgive me.”

hate that I love you, because I’m with someone who is so good for me, and I love him too. But I can’t help but think about you sometimes, and I miss you so much, and I know we’d make a great couple and we’d be almost perfect for each other, but I don’t want to risk breaking up with him and then going through the same bullshit I went through with you 2 years ago, and have nothing left. It just pisses me off so much because you’ve changed so much since 2 years ago, and you’ve become such a wonderful person, and it’s so hard for me to not imagine my life with you. I know you understand and you want me to stay with my boyfriend, and I know that it hurts you when I talk about him or even when the topic of him comes up, because I know you love me too, but I have to talk about him with you, otherwise I feel like I’m cheating on him. I want to talk about him with you because it makes me think about him and about why I love him so much and why he’s so perfect for me. I can’t not love you, it’s impossible for me to not love you, because there are things about you that he doesn’t have, and there are things that I love about you that I don’t love about him, but the point is that I’m with him now, and I’ve been with him for over a year, and I love him so much and I want a life with him, and I’m certain about him, but I’m not certain about you. You change your mind a lot, and you make spontaneous decisions, and as much as I love that about you, I can’t spend my whole life on spur-of-the-moment choices. I know how much of a big deal it is for you to tell someone you love them, and I know it was a really big deal for you to tell me, but if you had realized you loved me sooner (because I always knew you did), I would never have gotten together with him. And I hate myself for thinking that.

Last night when we were standing by my car, you smoking a cigarette, me leaning back to look at the stars…
I caught you watching me.
‘What?’
‘Nothing… Just thinking…’
I went back to looking at the stars without asking what you were thinking about.
But I wanted to know.

i’m talking to this adorable, sweet guy .. who has a girlfriend .. who my best friend has a crush on. i know he wants me, but i’m really not that into him. i feel like leading him on just to feel superior to the other girls. i know how wrong that is, but it’s a self esteem boost i rarely get.

I’m more miserable with you then I am with out you, but I want to be with you so much, want this to work so badly, that I’m just suffering.
I’m depressed. I’m the most alone that I’ve ever been, and I can’t say anything to anyone, because I know what they will say. And I don’t want to leave you.
I wish the world would just swallow me whole, because the pure nothingness that that would entail would feel infinitely better then this.
I am alone, and I am depressed, because I have the one thing I’ve always wanted. You.
I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if being with you is worth this much pain.
I’m sorry.

I think, just maybe, that I’m depressed. I have random bouts of sadness, have cried myself to sleep off and on for months, and feel generally hollow inside. But my life is the best it has ever been. I should feel alive, blessed, and thankful. I try to act like I’m on top of the world. And I can’t tell anyone I’m falling from grace because it’d either hurt them, or they’d call me dumb because it is dumb….. =/

Im not the one needing another chance. I thought you were a smart girl. That problem you have dont worry it will go away one day. It may be years from now and with no warning so be ready its painful.
Adieu to you both
I didn’t write that! I want you two to stay together, I am happy for him if he is happy with you. As long as he is happy. That is all. I will never ever do anything about what I am feeling as long as you two are together. I promise you that.
But, there is nothing I can do about the times our eyes meet. That just happens. And I will continue to be his friend (without benefits) and hopefully your friend too.

I’m so happy I found you, that we don’t hate each other anymore. You’re an amazing girl and I am so lucky you’re mine. I love you with all I have and I just want you to see that, I do. I know sometimes I don’t act like it, and I fuck up a lot but you’ve helped me so much. You really are a true hero, and you have saved me more than once.

I am hungry. I am going to make Ramen Noodles. I will then be full. Please God forgive me.

I have a positive pregnancy test in eye-view.