i had to tear out 700 square feet of flooring today. i've either lost my mind or i'm more happy and confident than ever. i can't tell but my shell has finally cracked. no more self consciousness or confusion.

I Have Body Dysmorphic Disorder



Who Is That Girl In The Mirror?

I was hesitant to write my story because I have had someone recently just flat out tell me I'm making it up. God I wish I was making it all up. I was afraid to write it because I have a huge fear of rejection as I'm sure many of you do suffering from BDD. And if people started telling me I'm full of it I just couldnt handle that. But after reading some of you're stories I feel confident enough that no one is going to do that to me. So, I am not quite sure when I developed BDD but I was diagnosed at 16 and to me it seems as if things have gotten worse over the past seven years since. I wake up daily and walk to the kitchen sink where I keep my tooth brush and brush my teeth. I then make sure the bathroom light is off, shut the door and hop in a dark shower. I also get dressed, use the bathroom and wash my hands in the dark. The reason I do this is because I cannot stand to see myself in a mirror. Sometimes if I HAVE to look for reasons like putting on makeup or taking a picture, which I'll get into later, I am mortified by what I see. I no longer know what I truly look like. When I look at myself I see a girl who is at least a hundred pounds more than what the scales say. A girl whose hair is too thin, arms too fat, lips too thin, the list could go on and on. It feels as if every time I look in the mirror I'm looking in a circus fun house mirror I know its not right, it can't be BUT no matter how hard I squint or blink or splash my face with water I cant see myself the way everyone else does. It has been like this for as long as I can remember, but the side effects from it are getting worse and worse. I.E my self hatred, inability to go out in public, suicidal thoughts. Not to mention the negative side effects surrounding friends and relationships. I have not worked in three years because I'm too concerned about what people are thinking of me. I'm 23 and still do not have a drivers licence because I'm so afraid of failure and rejection. If not for my husband I would be completely hopeless but he is quickly becoming stressed over my problems. He hates that I wont go for a walk in the park or a bike ride because I dont want people thinking that fat chick has no purpose riding a bike. I also think I may have developed an eating disorder because of this. I dont think I have but he does. Basically I eat about twice a week something small and thats only because I am so light headed and dizzy from not eating. I dont do this because I want to get thin (although I do) I just do it because I'm not hungry. I wouldn't really call that an eating disorder. But anyway I do occasionally take pictures mainly because my family 2000 miles away demands them so what I'll do is take between 30 and 50 pictures until I finally get one that is eh, not hideous then I'll change the lighting and everything I can do to make that picture passable. And even then I hate it. I have truly felt like I am not good enough or pretty enough to be alive. I go out in public for groceries or whatever and no matter what anyone else looks like I am the ugliest person in that store. I just want to run away and cry. I spend on average atleast 2 hours a day crying in a dark bedroom over my self hate. I dont wear shorts or capris in public because I dont want the world to see my fat legs, I dont wear tee shirts because I feel to masculine I only wear my hair down also for that reason. I will wear a hoodie during the boiling arizona summer. All because I care so much what other people think. To be honest I am very fed up with it. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I see my self so distorted. But how do I change? How do I become a person again, how do I feel whole? Friends have suggested a few different things first was to look at myself in the mirror more, try to love myself. I tried that only made me super depressed I cried the whole time I looked in the mirror. Another told me to go out and keep the mentality "who cares what they think" well, I walked down empty isles it seemed to work fine but as soon as I saw another person glance in my direction instantly I was thinking oh god they think I'm hideous so that one failed as well. And finally the closest I ever came to breakthrough. A friend suggested that I go to work, (I had a job for 2 weeks last year) go to work with your hair in a pony tail. Something that would seem so easy to most but to me was a complete nightmare. So I mustered up all the courage I had and wore my hair in a pony tail. Although it was on my mind constantly what people were thinking & although it only stayed up two hours (I started to panic) I did it. I was so proud of myself for actually doing it however brief it was it was a baby step forward. Shortly after the stress of being in public everyday at work got to me and I quit so I never really had a good opportunity to try it again, but who knows maybe someday. I just feel so alone in this struggle sometimes. I wish there was an easy fix & I could finally be happy and normal like everyone else. I've had people tell me I'm pretty and I just want to hit them. Every time some one tells me I'm pretty it feels like an insult like they are mocking me. Either that or they feel sorry for me. Most people when given a complement smile and say thank you, I always give a look of disgust and think yeah right, who are you kidding? I hate this so much ugh I wish I could change.....

yo, what tools do you use to tear it out?

i have a room with cheap/fugly vynil tiles glued with some black compound (tar-looking shit) to structural plywood, i think, sitting on 2x4s…

i tried drywall knives and it was a megabitch to cut a little hole. i wanna pull out the ugly shit but leave the 2x4s so i can pour an earthen floor inside, kinda like adobes. makes sense?

anyway, please recommend. crowbars? axes? shotguns? dynamite?

oh err, what's up.

i simply use a flat bar and a hammer and wiggle it back and forth to not break the tongue of the hardwood.

that vinyl is linoleum that you have glued down so it's a bitch to get up. nobody installs that shit unless it looks like tile.

i can never get that shit up with a scraper that i use. i've even tried heat guns to melt and then scrape it. depends on how much glue is down. you would have to tear it up and do a lot of prepping. hardcore.

either that or just replace the plywood. if it's a concrete slab it pretty easy, if not then you have floor joistes that are usually 16 inches apart in most houses. measure then nail.

i suggest never getting particle board for any floors. stick with plywood. it's a better moisture barrier.

earthen floor? i have no ideal how to do that but it should be easy. im guessing you need some kind of sub floor. i've read about in books but have no experience in that.

hey yeah. the linoleum is glued to plywood, tile-style. im not interested in ungluing that crap (impossible, really) but in prying up the whole plywood with the shit stuck on it. i'll try to jam a flat bar between the plywood and the 2x4s that supports it. there's some kind of nailing somewhere but i can't see it. maybe it's staples. i'll get me a big fucking bar and a bigass hammer. fun!!! (i love destruction-- i also hate linoleum)

re: earthen floors, it's more of a southwest thing, you start with a water barrier, cover in sand, then add sand+clay , sometimes straw, then finer and finer sand with clay. in the end you coat with linseed oil. the linseed oil bonds with the clay and plastifies and looks fucking beautiful.

here's some hippies working on one:



here some finished examples:

there's no way it would be staples then it would be manual. staples aren't strong at all of course so it must be nails. just straight up nails. yes, get your self a flat bar and hammer and pry that shit up from the 2X4's which are the floor joists. that shouldn't be that hard.

let me know about this earthen floor. i've seen it here and it's pretty common here and not just in the southwest. those pics look pretty sweet and i would love to install something like that.

if it's anything like laying tile with grout with a trial then im in.

i know a guy that can do this but he's a totally asshole redneck.

thanks man!

i'm gonna be experimenting with the earth floor but i'll see if i can post pix. i expect it to be shitty the first time around ha ha ha. but anything better than that nasty pvc stench and the dioxins of "vinyl" floor. blech.

ha cool!! post pics!!!

linoleum smells like disappointed counterculture mothers. it's hippie with a whole lot of of drag. i hate it!!! so 60's, 70's. get rid of that shit.

yer on some dracula level shit *@#&$)*(&@(*&#. Need to sleep on dirt from the motherland?

DA…

(and yes, natural buildings smell and feel great)

My friend posted this picture on FB. I think I love him more for that.

sounds like the perfect life. is that why he's on TV? he's selling his formula?

I love the internet, I love this kid:
http://unsuccessfulmetalbenders.tumb...-childs-parent

Y'all should just discuss flooring and/or home repair in general with foreverkiss more often, it is the most intelligible things he ever posts, and generally seems to most congenial and inviting ;)

Ha. This is what I'll be getting myself into in a couple of months.

got drunk and played dominos last night. that's about it for my weekend.

sad that this is a compliment, but its true. i've done some type of construction or contracting for years. my family does it so... i can paint and trim like a wino, do drywall, install tiles, and of course the almighty hardwood floors. if i wasnt so lazy i wouldn't be subbing for anyone at the moment.

not the best but i get by.

you reckon prison reformed him? are there raves on d-bloc?

Almost had forgotten how I love this man.

^ longest gif!


coca (dog) didnt do n.2 in our walk. also he doesnt like walks.
she does remain one of the best co-sleepers i ever had.
this time she 's also all about spooning. she did amaze/surprise me with this.

basquiat was sooo sweet.
his smile had the smile of a child. amongst other things.

I love waking up and putting on headphones to immediately listen to music. morning soundtracks!

Today is Guernica-Marronier Tokuhon
<3 <2 <1 Go!

except when you forget how long you've been listening and realize you're late to start yer day.

Abby called me "prettypants sexpot" today :3

a friend of mine works for google and just posted this on fb:

"Email of the month goes to the man who wrote us an angry email today, with the subject "Beastie Boys". He was initially pleased to receive 10.7 million hits when he googled their name but was horrified when he read an article that referred to his favorite group as a "boy band" and demanded we remove the disgusting article from the first page, as the Beastie Boys are more than that."

old people dont understand the internet, they think its a place. they think reality has ended and the chosen ones are virtualized onto a heavenly ethereal plane of post coporeal enshrinement.

they keep hearing things are happening "online" when they watch tv news.

sometimes they get over their fear and buy a computer but they cant navigate through the adds and spam and scams.

and then she farts.

^not that it didnt cross my mind.
have been lucky so far.

good to know. my friend's dog has a big problem with flatulence, quite sad really.

sounds like that dog could use a new diet!

It's a little more complex than that.

poor thing..
and what else could it be?
i read that another cause for this is when dogs eat too fast taking much air in their system.
obviously thats not the case for your friend's dog.

Clearly the work of the devil. He [my friend] deserves it.