The World's Best Joke
 

...is?

this board.

When you know, you die laughing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yff5Sp6bN6k

The world's best sketch

What is this thing with having a best of everything?Are we so shit that we can only appreciate things in black and white and miss out all the chromatics?What a drag.

Porky, stop the drama, it's just killing time anyways.

Reserch a few years ago found that this is supposedly the world's funniest joke:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

It later emerged that credit should be given to the once very mighty and now very dead Spike Milligan, since he wrote the joke (set in an English country house) for inclusion in an episode of The Goon Show where it was read by Michael Bentine and Peter Sellers:

Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there
Sellers: Oh, is he dead?
Bentine: I think so
Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?
Bentine: Alright. Just a minute
(Sound of two gun shots)
Bentine: He's dead.

_slavo_,don't you know i'm Joan Of Arc?

The whole band or milla jovovich? Or you simply meant you're hot?

Q, What do you call a chav in a box
A, Innit!

Q, What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A, Sorted!

What do you call a black man flying a plane?
































































A pilot you racist!!

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Iain again.

that reminded me of this sketch:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=oYFmP0trBG8

yes!

whats the difference between a tree and a house
a tree house!

ah, yeah, I got the idea.

I've posted it before, I suspect, but I'll tell you my personal favourite again:

A terrible flood is striking the nation, and after two days waters are reaching inland. At the priest's house, it's four foot deep, but an army rescue dinghy comes into view and offers to take the priest to safety. 'No' says the priest, 'God will save me, I will come to no harm'.

The next day the waters are ten foot deep and the priest has gone up to the top floor. From his bedroom window he sees the same army dinghy doing another search. 'Leave me be - God will not desert me', he reiterates.

Overnight, the flood intensifies and the priest is forced out of his bed and onto the roof of his house. Fortunately the army are doing their final patrol before things become too hazardous, and they beseech him to climb aboard. 'No, I say', quips the priest, 'My God will protect me, my faith is unshakeable'.

The waters rise and the priest drowns. Admitted into heaven, he approaches God, tears running down his cheeks. 'I trusted you, my Lord, all through the flood I kept my faith. Yet you let me die in the waters. Why did you not move to save me?'.

'You knobhead', says God, 'I sent three dinghys!'.

Mary and peter were gathered with a group of mourners near the foot of the cross upon which jesus was crucified. armed roman guards surrounded the cross to prevent anyone from getting close. As Peter and mary cried, they heard a voice coming from the cross. It was Jesus, weak with pain and hunger and dehydration, croaking, "Peeteerr... Peeeeterrrr."
Peter heard this and yelled, "yes my Lord, I am coming!" He rushed to the cross only to be beaten back by the guards.
With renewed urgency, Jesus once again exclaimed, " PEETERRR....PEETERRRR."
Peter heard this and crashed headlong into the roman guards, only to be beaten bloody and thrown back at mary's feet.
One last time, with a maximum of effort, Jesus strained to cry, "PEEETERR!!!! PEEETERR!!!!"
and Peter, with seemingly superhuman strength, managed to rush the guards and fight his way through, though badly wounded. As he crawled on his belly to the foot of the cross he shouted, "Yes Lord! I am Here! What do you want?"
and Jesus lifted his tired head and said "Peeterrr...Peeter, I can see your house from here."

I don't know about the world's best joke, but the biggest one is the war on terror.

why i there no asprins in the jungle?

because the parrotsateemall.......

respect to the league of gentlemen and who ever they stole that off?

I don't get it

^ The parrots ate them all.

Theparrotsateemal.

The paracetamol.

He is just saying that in 1842 research was done to find that the jungle parrots squawke is so loud that it actually gives them a migrane, this migrane was driving the birds insane causing them to die and become a rare species. They decided they would drop special panadol covered in bird food from planes over the jungle. This worked for a short time and the parrots were eating it, but it had a negative affect causing the birds to completly die and become extinct

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please? I'm working on the building site across the road and I'm on my lunch break". Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. One day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

why did princess diana cross the road?


momentum.

what was the last thing that went through princess diana's head?
the radio
why did hitler kill himself at the end of the war?
he got his gas bill

i could do more holocaust jokes, but they get a bit inappropriate...

haha.

this is THE best

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneeded a poo

One of my favourites, posting by sonicl a while ago:

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

me.

how many babies does it take to paint a house?

depends on how hard you throw them.

How can you tell if a red neck is on her period?









































































































































She's wearing one sock.

What do Jaguar's have that nothing else has?



















































Baby jaguar's.