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Why are you staying alone? Got any friends you can stay with for awhile?

It's possible...
Is anyone in your family bipolar?

I'm sorry you're having a tough time Lilly, and I hope things get better for you :)

My uncle had it pretty damn bad, when he switched medication they put him in the hospital so he doesn't go crazy. He's bipolar and something else though. A doctor told my grand parents that he's mentally handicapped when he was young (he's just slow though)

If anything I'm probably depressed, or so everyone tells me.

.≥.

You should definitely seek a specialist to help sort your head out, Lilly. It worked for me, so I know. You won't go far by just thinking and talking about it.
Hope you'll be fine.

Sometimes I wonder if I might have a mild case of something. Not long ago I just thinking to myself like always about some of the philosophy I was reading and I came up with a title for a fictional novel "Phsyics of Thought." Curious, I looked it up online and found this: http://www.advancedresearchconsultants.com/thought.htm

Completely schizophrenic website. It's comforting to know my thoughts aren't so alien to a schizophrenic mind. There have been better examples (like my real depression about a year or two ago that almost had me seeking medication) but this was the most recent.

Now this reminds me of my very early 20's.
Got back to France after a two month Kerouacstyle trip to the US (West to east coast).
Came back fucked up, but mean FUCKED UP.
I understand the difficulty to point out ONE reason, simply because sometimes things get all blurred.
ended up as a drughead for about 4 months, lost ALL my friends but a couple (who would not talk to me anyway as i was so weird and unpredictable), ended up totally estranged from my parents.
went away for about three months. Nobody except the guy who was accomodating knew where i was.
really lost it for a while, spending my time luistening to ATL, slept in a boxroom the size of a simple mattress with a fucking nest of spiders above my head all that time.

Eventually i DID need help from a psychanalist to sort myself out.
Things eventually got back to normal about a year or so after.

now that was TOUGH, one evntually finds reasons, which doesn't mean u can solve the actual issues, but at least you can try to have a little healthy emptahy for yr own bad self.

it DOES get better.
just hope it doesn't last TOO long because these times are really hard.

like drowning to the bottom of swimming-pool. U need to touch the very bottom of it and FEEL it to push back to the surface.

don't know anything about bipolar though. i wasn't anyway. i was only MUTATING, maybe you're just going through that phase too.

They recently doubled my dose of anti depressents.
But I think everyone here takes those.

I don't. I'll try to avoid them until I can't rely on myself any more.

actually my point was that although u might feel it's gonna lost forever, u DO get rid of those eventually. Well at least that's what happened to me:p

weeeeeeeee

mmmm
psys are not everybody (I actually tried three before finding the right one and even that last one was meh, he just listened passiveley without commenting at any point, but that what i needed, so)
had exactly same problem with untold drug abuse and , hence impression of being unable to deal with reality.
The day u stop drugs, u start dealing with reality although it will take months to admit life is more fun without the drugs. Life will look BLAND, yes. So u have to keep busy, busy, busy with a creative activity.

but wait, i thought u had a boyfriend , is that right?

I know it must be hard but why don't you just work on dealing with the drug issue? That shit surely triggers some bad stuff in your head.

- yes i do have a boyfriend who is absolutely wonderful but i don't want to be around him right now. it's nothing personal.
- i have not been able to deal with reality ever. even as a kid.

myeah you're in that phase you're actually CONVINCING yrself you can't get better.
getting estranged from the boyfriend at such a hard time? meh

i think it gets to a point where i'm very interested in exchanging points of view, but will only end up with useless pieces of advice that will sound shitty and fake and narrow-minded, so i'll stop here but do keep us informed , will u?

all the best!

no i'm not trying to trick myself into thinking i'm a lost cause even though i have been known to do that

but i have had extreme escapist tendencies since childhood
really though im sick of talking about myself

I used to think I was depressed, or melancholic. I didn't really want to talk with anyone. All I'd do to pass the time was listen to music and play guitar.
I recently got a new group of friends, and I'm happy all the time now. I've found other ways to spend time - I play other instruments, listen to more music and I socialise.

What you've got going on sounds more like strong depression than bipolar disorder. Not that I'm the slightest bit qualified to say, but the symptoms you lay out sound like depression. Less glamorous, but more prevalent. Perhaps easier to deal with.

I worry about people thinking they have bipolar disorder, because too often doctors in the pocket of the drug industry just go along with the self-diagnosis and dole out drugs. That happened to my wife, who was convinced she was bipolar, and I swear the only time she behaved the way you're supposed to with bipolar disorder was on the fucking drugs.

jeez. i didnt realise that this was so common, if thats the right word, im one of the lucky ones, i get in a bad mood occasionally and thats it when it comes to depression..

cantanky, keep safe and chin up as they say. i do believe it does help to talk to people, even a friendly stranger, someone who aint gonna judge.... if i was nearby, i would lend an ear anytime! im no expert on matters so im not gonna pretend to give you advice.. all ill say is people do care about you and you are a good person and it will get better soon, promise..

"virtual hug"

I only like crazy people. It's the ones who insist they are sane that you have to worry about.

brb basket weaving.

Your post makes me sad also, C. I used to be very hypersensitive, even much more so than I regularly display here. And I was given to tears all the time. Like some have reminded, just know that the situation should soon pass.

I was diagnosed in the nineties with chronic depression. I've always thought I tend to be more bipolar as well, since I sometimes get manic and used to have problems with anxiety attacks. At the time and after a period of extended reluctance, I took all the ssris of the day. They didn't work for me and I'm not so sure they really work all that well for anyone. I do know one friend, however, that is now married with a wife and children and relatively happy that has been on paxil for years. I know another that has been on klonopin (not an ssri) and he's lost all his willpower and it's not done him any good other than allow him to quit using other drugs. In my life I have known countless people who became worse off after taking ssris.

Honestly, and I know it sucks to hear this, but maybe consider seeking some medical help for quitting the cigarettes. I know that's anathema to you right now, but as much as you rely on cigs to be there for you, they are only, in the end, making the situation worse. I write it because I feel you're intelligent enough to already have realized it yourself on some level. I certainly wish I could or would quit them somehow, so far be it from me to preach about them (since I've smoked a couple of packs of day for so many years).

I'm really depressed today. I'm considering moving out of this neighborhood. And moving in and of itself is such a stressful enterprise. It's always been a great place up until recently. It's a very safe, family-oriented neigborhood and there is no street crime or drug problem here. I feel like I have to clarify that before I write the following. But the thing that happened a couple of weeks ago with being detained for no reason (recounted in another recent thread) coupled with what happened today makes me think it may be time to move on.

I went outside today to take out the garbage and got questioned by next door neighboor about some keys they think they left on the hood of their car last night.
She says to me, "When you went out last night, did you happen to see any keys?" and then went on to describe where they were left and so on. Now, I understand it's only natural they would ask in a desperate attempt to possibly recover their keys (& I have long hair to boot), but still, I've been their neighbor now for almost four years. And what's up with the "when you went out last night" part? The supposition is creepy and nosy; just ask me if I saw some keys. And then the husband came by after I'd already spoke with his wife asking me once again about their missing keys. All of it is just too much monkey business for me to be involved with. (And, about a year ago the husband asked me about whether I'd seen anyone getting into his garden. I said it was probably deer, which it turned out later to conclusively be. He indirectly was accusing me, or at least he half-apologized about it later which makes me assume he considered me suspect).

At any rate, as usual, I'm blowing everything out of proportion, but unless they find their damn keys and give me an apology soon, I'm going to start making plans to live somewhere else...or at least that's how I feel right now.

Well you could use therapy, it's almost like psychiatrist, but is just you doing all the talking. I know for experience. I started a thread like this a year or so ago. I don't know if you remember. Lily, seek help. You'll feel much better.

I've been there on the "therapy, psychiatrist won't help me for shit." No it really helped me a lot. Now I hardly get depressed or on the verge of a nervous break down.

We all go through some tough shit, but it really is up to us to do something about it. And admitting you have a problem is the first step.

stop thinking about pleasing other people & take care of yourself first.

by take care of yourself i dont mean chainsmoke yourself silly but take care of your health problems-- you know what they are. if those people care at all about you they'll be more disappointed if you hurt yourself or die. get some perspective-- keeping up appearances is nothing compared to truly being well.


i did for a while when i was in really bad shape but eventually i dropped them as the therapy started working.

now that the demons have been exorcized all i require is regular exercise to keep my head above water.

That's some good advice. Short and to the point.

---
Crazy neighbors are everywhere, so moving may not even be helpful, but rather hurtful. I realize that. And, 99.999% of the time I've lived here I've never had any problems with police or crazy neighbors. Still, I'm obsessed with the BS from today.

What do you think, !@#$%!? Am I completely overreacting? I guess I probably am.

I know I have a right to feel upset and that you would probably also be upset about such a veiled accusation. Obviously, I've been their neighbor for almost four years and would have simply brought them their keys if I saw them. I think they should know that by now. I've gone to their door to borrow jumper cables before, and I've also told them before when they left the light on inside their car accidentally.

I suppose I'm just offended and also worried that the silly situation will escalate somehow.

shopping for a shrink is like shopping for shoes. some fit you, some don't. working with a shrink is a type of relationship. just like you wouldn't go out with just anyone, why would you tell your deepest secrets to just anyone? SHOP AROUND. you like shopping, no? well, here's your chance to do it again.


ha ha was he lacanian? they do that.

i heard this french woman friend of mine went to a lacanian for 12 years never heard a word back until the day she said she was gonna quit & the shrink said that was not a good idea ha ha ha.

what the fuck?

i haven't even read your post yet.
what is this about?

Call me crazy and I'll just shrug my shoulders. But call me stupid and I'll burn your fucking house down!

It's probably no consolation (and perhaps a pretty fucked-up thing to say) but I believe that the vast majority of people with mental/emotional issues are usually intelligent people - or at least folks with a heightened sense of both self-awareness and also a sense of the world around them.

Maybe that's me being snobby and trying to find some kind of twisted reason for my own depression. It's like 'I wish I was too dumb to realize I'm so unhappy - but I'm too self-aware'. But that kind of thinking is probably part of the problem. I have a lot guilt because I know there's people in much worse shape than me. My situation is tame compared to theirs so why can't I just 'snap out of it' and get on with my life?

So I'm in Woody Allen land at the moment and actually seeing two psychologists. That's as opposed to seeing two psychiatrists. Psychology is more to do with behavior which probably suits my case because I'm depressed about certain things in my life and unable to deal with them rather than being clinically depressed - which is a full-on mental illness (and which is what pyschiatrists deal with).

And this brings us back to my guilt thing. I think back to when I used to work at public housing estates and some of the tenants I got to know who suffered from either schizophrenia, depression or whatever. Some were in a really bad way and it would be an insult to them to say I can relate to their mental illness because I kinda feel fucked-up myself.

But I do feel the way I do.

The thing is to do something about it. Drugs are a weird thing. Anti-Depressants were offered to me but I said no - and thought "How dare they try and chemically fuck with my mind!" as I rolled myself a big fat joint. I only recently sussed out that I wasn't smoking dope for fun anymore - it had become a routine - and that contributed to my depression. So I have to avoid the sacred weed for a while and deal with reality. I much prefer escapism, but reality is the saner option (even if reality is insane at times).

So if drugs (whether they be prescribed or scored) aren't part of the solution then it's all up to me. That's where I'm lucky in a way - I only have to find the will, the discipline, the confidence and the courage to try and work it out - and ultimately learn to cope with life and all the shitty things it throws at you.

But still, everyone needs help - it took me ages to pluck up the courage to see a shrink and all but a handful of my friends and family have no idea that I am seeing someone. More shame and guilt on my part - but at least I have a few willing ears around happy to listen to my sob story. Oh - and a sense of humour. I've never lost that. Well, not for an extended period of time, anyway.

i gotta get out of the house but i'll try to read back & post later

i hope your day improves

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeCra-sn0dI

I'm not sure I entriely agree with this lecturer fellow, but it's interesting for the most part.

Enjoyed your post, Johnny. It resonates and I'd like it if you could watch that (admitedly lengthy) youtube video I posted which may provide further assistance as far as taking control of the aspects of your life that are habitual.

Like floatingslowly remarks with the "basketweaving," I think it's constructive for anyone having issues to try and focus outside of yourself on something, maybe some craft or hobby or art or music.
And greedrex, I feel, provides some insight too with his account of post-travel existential anxiety.


I'm feeling this way too. I saw my neighbors outside and thought about not taking the garbage to the curb until they had gone back inside. But, hey, I'm not going to live my life like that, I tell myself. In the end, (refer to my previous posts) I wish I would have avoided them. That's what life is unfortunately like for depressed people. You just learn to avoid the other humans. Over time, AVOID! AVOID! AVOID! just tragically becomes the psychological imperative.
Once you've been crushed and your trust has been violated so many times, you just tend to start giving up on others. And since no person is an island, you end up giving up on yourself in turn.


It is usually good to get it all out though as you know. Sometimes, dredging up stuff can make things worse temporarily, however. At least such has been my experience. And I suppose that's why dealing with issues in a structured, professional environment, like !@#$%! suggests, may be a good idea. Although, ha (the cult of) Scientology preaches that most people in deep therapy have sexual relationships with their analysts; and although the percentage is probably not as high as the Scientologists maintain (it's a half-truth utilized for recruitment purposes in my view), it certainly does go on. So yeah, if you go for therapy, make sure to shop around for one that is hopefully knowledgeable and not a creep.

i know how you feel cantanky, and actually, i think you're great because you actually went ahead and just went to be alone for a while. i'm not saying it's good or bad, but every time i've felt like sending everybody to hell, i never follow through.

GENERAL DISCUSSION:
i've been dealing with depression for quite a while now, and it's because shit happens really; bunch of crap has been changing in my life in the past couple of years and i still feel most of my life is in a huge transitional state and i have no idea when the transition will happen and i'll move on; sometimes i feel happy, sometimes i feel like not getting out of bed, sometimes i feel so angry i break shit, sometimes i want to talk to everybody and sometimes i want all of them to leave me the hell alone. mostly, it's that sometimes i feel like my life is ok and everything is going good and sometimes i feel like life has passed me by and that i really want to do something but can't. most of the time i'm ok and i'm ready to accept that this perhaps is just boredom.

now i'm going to tell you about my friend, she has out of balance levels of serotonin which means she is technically insane; she's already ended up in the hospital twice for attempted suicide when she stopped taking her medication. she goes to a psychiatrist once a week, she prescribes her medicine and listens to her and gives her a bit of perspective; her medicine actually helps her a lot since she's normal and sane mostly (aside from the fact that she becomes obsessive with whatever she likes at the moment), she gets drunk really easily but when she smokes pot she's like a normal stoner (i've warned her not to take any other drug because all of them affect serotonins). she gets side and happy like everybody.

i personally think psychologists and psychitrists are a croak mostly, crazed bored fucks who yawn at your problems and try to throw theirs to you, my friend loves going to therapy and she trusts her psych a lot. talking to your problems does help, tons, sometimes you need advise or perspective and sometimes you just need to be heard.

that's my stance on therapy, i don't think drugs are the answer at all unless you have a physical problem like my friend; depression doesn't count. and yeah, we're all fucked up, we just have to deal with it and not be taken under by it.

ps: i seem to always end up liking completely deranged girls, it's something i really don't see why but most of the time that i meet a girl and i like her, she turns out completely insane. i need help with this problem.

All of that seems so very familiar to myself, Everyneurotic.


Reminds me of Camper Van Beethoven's "Life is Grand."
I like the lyrics, but musically it's my least favorite on Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart.

And life is grand
And I will say this at the risk of falling from favor
With those of you who have appointed yourselves
To expect us to say something darker

And love is real
And though I realize this is not a deep observation
To those of you who find it necessary
To conceal love or obscure it, as is the fashion

therapy is the same thing. it;s performed by a psychiatrist/psychologist (only difference is that psychiatrists can prescribe medication)

and I DONT LIKE IT

and my head feels like it's going to fucking cave in and my lymph nodes are swollen and my throat/ears hurt

Often when depression is diagnosed in someone, some doctors don't seem to take into account whether the person actually has a reason for being depressed or not: which is surely the most important thing.

The most depressed I’ve been in my life is when my granddad died, and then later when my uncle's horse died (childhood memories, etc). But I wasn't depressed at all (in the sense of having a mental illness). Feeling down was just a natural reaction in all of these cases... if someone you love dies then you should be depressed. Having pills which make you happy would be abnormal! And surely bad for your mind in the long-term, confusing and imbalancing it, training it to react unnaturally to things. Whereas just letting yourself be sad is eventually cathartic, healing.

If people want they can take loads of pills and walk around with a big grin on their face, pointing at dustbins and giggling; but I expect to feel down (or at-least not 'up') quite often in my day-to-day life. For balance.

If you ever feel guilty or pathetic when you take drugs (for succumbing to temptation, being their plaything), like I have done, then you will feel depressed because you keep doing something which makes you feel guilty and pathetic. It's not irrational (and depression is irrational).

'staying in the chelsea hotel'... 'completely reduced to browsing the internet on iphone or watching bad tv/dvds and sitting up in bed chain smoking': it all sounds a bit Lost In Translation to me. Are you sure you just don't need a good night's sleep?

I hope that doesn't sound patronising.

Comments like 'I believe that the vast majority of people with mental/emotional issues are usually intelligent people' are true in a way; but in the same way that saying only intelligent people go mad because madness is a sign of unbridled creativity and imagination (all that crazy stuff they come up with!). It makes it sound kind of cool; and it's responsible for too many people (or posers) saying that they're depressed when they're not (from 'emo' plebs to Sylvia Plath fans), and subsequently for me finding it hard to take people who say they're depressed seriously unless they're cutting their wrists in front of me and squirting blood in my face.

One of my favourite quotes is from Philippe Dijan's 37.5 Le Matin (or Betty Blue) (paraphrased):

'happiness doesn't exist, paradise doesn't exist, there's nothing to win or lose, and essentially you can't change anything. But if you think despair is all that's left, then you're wrong again, because despair, like happiness, is an illusion too.

All you can do is go to bed at night and get up in the morning with a smile on your face. Just ‘be'. And thinking about it all the time only complicates matters and doesn't change anything'.

The irony is it's a book about someone who is insane.

I like the sound of that Life Is Grand too. I'm going to illegally download it now.

i had an excellent sleep and everyone i know can still kiss my ass and stay the fuck away from me thank you very much. i don't fucking appreciate these accusations and i demand that this shit stop.

also i don't enjoy doing things i would normally enjoy at all, like playing guitar

But Cantankerous, come to England, you've got My Bloody Valentine to look forward to if nothing else. And I'm going clubbing afterwards, so your welcome to tag along!! :)

^ fuckng mbv. theyve planned this tour out like retards. come on, wtf, theyre going all over the place.

i paid for it already so i'm not going to cop out on it.

Good to hear.