WWBD?
 

Many times in our travels through this crazy little thing called life, one might find oneself in a situation that calls for heroic action, or at a minimum, involved in a mission-critical dilemma that calls for a split-second decision. Like a boy scout, one must always be prepared. You might find it helpful to embody the attitude, beliefs, and behavior of somebody you admire. Like an actor, virtually crawl into the skin of your hero so that at any moment you are prepared to act wisely, precisely, and effectively.

One might, as I do, ask oneself, "What would Bond do?"

Situation #1: I'm in a bar and need to blend into the crowd while also keeping my faculties sharp. The mission is at stake, and alcohol is out of the question. I ask for a cherry Coke and the barkeep pulls out a can of Cherry Coke. This is unacceptable. Number one, I'll stand out, I won't look like I'm holding a mixed drink. Number two, it tastes like shit.

What would Bond do?

Say: "No, that won't do. Put down the bloody can, pick up a clean glass. Now pour 1 ounce of cherry syrup and 5 ounces of Coke from the fountain. One cube of ice."

You might get a quizzical look. Press on: "Look, I know you've got the resources. Just do it and make it fast."

Other examples?

Now this is inspiring.

It's in the opening line, isn't it. That really grabbed you.

Situation #2: I'm at a poetry reading, spying on a disturbed young woman carrying valuable information. I'm pressed to recite something of my own, but I can't write a damn thing.

What would Bond do?
I take my shirt of, and when all of the women start fighting over me, I single out the girl and ask her to get me out of there. We leave together, and after three rounds of very rough sex and more inappropriate ass-slapping than Drew Carey at a comedy club, I tie her to a chair and pistol-whip the information out of her.

Yes. The felt the firm grip of Bond by proxy.

Cry?! Bond doesn't bloody cry. What's wrong with you.

Number one, Bond wouldn't show up unprepared to write poetry. If you were embodying the Bond model, you'd have something virtually written by the time it was even your turn. You would purposely falter in the middle of your recitation, however, after catching your girl's eyes. You apologize, go on, and afterwards, go up to your target and say something to the effect of how dare she make this so difficult for you.

I hope this helps.

He does what he needs to.

He doesn't bloody cry. Ever. Got it?

Okay okay. I fixed it.

My God, man, think next time!

I'm sorry! I'm not used to this genre.

thats what the watered down martinis were all about

If you're going to survive, you'll need to catch on quickly.

And don't apologize! Would Bond apologize?

ass-slappery and the rough sex is the only bit i'm concerned with

That's fine. Just make sure you do it well.

I need to try making the Vesper model some time. They're supposedly pretty tasty.

Hmmm...

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Situation #3: I'm running through a crowd of people after an armed war criminal, and I run into a lady holding a bag of groceries. The bags fall to the ground, carrots skittering over the cement (hm...), and her heel breaks. She yells at me in a Russian accent: "Ar-en't you going to ap-o-lojize?"

What would James Bond do?

Grab her by the head and kiss her, then hand her a card from my hotel, wink, and take off again.

---

No. No he doesn't.

Lady. Young, old? Beautiful, ugly?

It's all situational, of course. Average or ugly, keep moving and don't even look back. What's one Russian bitch on the cobblestones when the world could blow up in the next minute?

Young and beautiful, grab her and use her as a decoy or body shield in your pursuit. If she survives, there's a good chance, well, you know the drill, so to speak.

James Bond doesn't run into ugly chicks. Ever.

bond eats it

Yes, good point.

james bond sucks.

Grace Jones.

Somebody inform me of what Bond would do if caught in a feminist rally. Obviously he will seduce the most attractive yet militant dame in the joint but I'm interested in the process.

Also I happen to be downloading From Russia With Love at the moment.

From Russia With Love is probably my favorite. Too worn out to write another situation, though. And it should be someone else's turn. You know you all want to.

This crazy thing called life? Fuck off.

that's what i thought.

don't be racist

Fuck you back at you.

There are no feminists in Bond world.

"What if" doesn't appear to be your strong point.

In spite of the bad prose, I'm making my way slowly thru Casino Royale, the book. Turd of a book. Maybe it was considered good in its time? I dunno. The movie is so much more entertaining.

What would Bond do if he went web surfing and landed on the Sonic Youth forum?

Tell us all to read John Le Carre instead and then ask ourselves; what would George Smiley do?

I've thought about reading a James Bond book or two, but I can't do it. I imagine they're all pretty terrible. And the covers might be a little awkward to pull out before class starts.

Life is too short to be embarassed about what you want to read. Yeah, they're not the most the literary ventures in the world, but a few are fairly good escapist fun. The earlier ones are better. I actually quite like On Her Majesty's Secret Service and From Russia with Love (I think the latter John Kennedy claimed to like a lot).

John Le Carre's definitely the smarter spy read. The Spy Who Came in From the Cold is one of my favorite novels.

I still dig this one out now and then just for a lark. I bought this when I was in 4th grade for 50 cents. I have almost the complete series (24 or so).

My parents were shocked by the cover (the lady in red) and almost took the book away from me until they read a little bit inside and realized it wasn't really porn.

James Bond is a pussy.

Whatever.

I'm dismayed that nobody else has asked themselves WWGMKUD? yet.

I have. And do. Every day.