Jokes
 

I'm really loving the light-heartedness of this new board.

Let's tell jokes!

Q. Why did the medium cross the road?

A. To get to the other side!

A beautiful woman walks into a bar and asks the barman if he does double-entendres.

The barman says yes and gives her one.

Q: What's the difference between dead babies and my girlfriend?
A: I kiss my girlfriend after sex

Q: What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

LOL!!!

My favourite:

A terrible flood is striking the nation, and after two days waters are reaching inland. At the priest's house, it's four foot deep, but an army dinghy come into view and offers rescue. 'No' says the priest, 'God will save me, I will come to no harm'.

The next day the waters are ten foot deep and the priest has gone up to the top floor. From his bedroom window he sees the same army dinghy doing another search. 'Leave me be - God will not desert me', he reiterates.

Overnight, the flood intensifies and the priest is forced out of his bed and onto the roof of his house. Fortunately the army are doing their final patrol before things become too hazardous, and they beseech him to climb aboard. 'No, I say', quips the priest, 'My God will protect me, my faith is unshakeable'.

The waters rise and the priest drowns. Admitted into heaven, he approaches God, tears running down his cheeks. 'I trusted you, my Lord, all through the flood I kept my faith. Yet you let me die in the waters. Why did you not move to save me?'.

'You knobhead', says God, 'I sent three dinghys!'.

Arf arf.

why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

IN CASE OF DRIZZLE, Y'ALL!!!

Q: What do you call a man who makes beer?

A: a HEBREW!!!

LOLA:KLJFISALAJLKJDl I totally made that up at school last week

Did you hear about the fire at the carnival?
It was in tents.

a HAHSFhsadghsda;gj

What's the difference between a soccer player and a Republican?

A soccer player uses its head.

A dog walks into a telegram office and writes: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examines the paper and tells the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog replies, "that would make no sense at all."

I went in to our local butcher's the other day (he does veggie stuff too, see) and, being a gambling man, he said to me - 'Hey! I bet you can't reach those bits of beef up there!'.

'I'm not betting on that', I said, 'the steaks are too high!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'

i like that one about the dog

Whats red, blue, black, and white?

A white dude being jumped by the bloods...

A minister, a rabbi, and a voodoo priest walk into a bar. Two hours later they come out with a life-long friendship and a new-found tolerance for eachothers' beliefs.

Schizo - that sounds like one of John Hodgman's "Jokes That Have Never Produced Laughter"

In fact, it is very similar to this one:

A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.

Another one:

A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped." The pharmacist says, "We have nothing for ducks here."

noumenal- That's where I got it from.

Poor duck.

those are great

What do a bike and a fish have in common?

They both have wheels... except for the fish

What do trash and ugly girls have in common?

Nothing. Trash gets taken out.

How about some "yo mama" jokes.

Yo mama so old she sat behind Jesus in first grade/she still owes Moses a quarter.

Ya mama so fat she Australia for a continental breakfast.

Yo mama so stupid she had you.

lame. i am sorry.

This joke is pretty off color and offensive, but here it is anyways

What does a sex ed teacher call two gay guys?

Visual aids.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

yo moma so fat, when she dances she makes the band skip.

what does every rascist joke start with?

[...*look left then right,] whats the difference...

Yo mama is so dumb she thought heaven was another amusement park

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who can read binary and those who can't.

OK, this one's my claim to fame:

A female brain cells goes into a man's head in search of male brain cells. Inside, the skull is empty. She yells, "Hello, anybody out there? Hello?"
After a few moments she hears a quite, far off voice say "we're down here!"

Q. What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A. A pilot, you racist!

I like the crap jokes. Reminded me of: http://www.themanwhofellasleep.com/jokes.html

"Why do women fake orgasms? Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed."


"Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?
Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related."

This one's only funny when you tell it to people who say, "But that's only two types." And then you do that mirthless laugh of superiority.

whats grey, sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss?







a kidney dialasis machine.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at thesky and tell me what you see"

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars"

"What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They send him away and after seven years he returns. "Uncomfortable beds", he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

a woman goes to the doctor and says she is being sick in the morning and her periods have stopped. after a few tests the doctor comes back and tells her that he hopes she likes changing nappies in the morning. am i pregnant? the woman says. no says the doctor you have bowel cancer.

so i did well i am gonna put the edit tool to good use then.

A man went into a library, walked up to the counter and boldly said:

"I'd like a Big Mac, fries and a coke please."

The librarian said:

"Sir, this is a library."

The man replied in a whisper:

"Sorry... I'd like a Big Mac, fries & a coke please".