becoming a different (better?) person
 

You know, I've been posting in this board for ... uh ... well, since before this board was this board and around the time the old board was the new board. So, how many years is that? Like, 7? Jesus.

Well, supposedly, your body completely changes every 7 years. Well, I've heard that a lot, in movies. I'm sure someone knows, scientifically, what I'm referring to. I'm too lazy to look it up.

Anyway, I've realized a few things this week, after months of the most stressful time in my life. And, no, certain situations in my life haven't improved, but whatever. They will eventually. Anyway:

1) I seriously need to re-evaluate my priorities in life... My friendships, what I spend my time doing, what I waste my energy on.

2) I randomly looked back on a few of my old posts and cringed. Like all that MM hating back in the day. Man, what was wrong with me? I am not a fan of their music really, but you know, they seem like okay people, they work hard, enjoy what they're doing, you know.. whatever. I never personally meant to insult them as people. I wrote them and apologized, actually, a while back, because I felt bad, but I feel even worse now, because I shouldn't waste so much time on negativity, in any way. I think my approach to things like that needs to change. Not that I won't be rude and sarcastic and bitter and such in posts.... But sometimes it's best not to say anything. I shouldn't feel the need to voice my opinion about EVERYTHING. Anyway, to any bands who have stumbled across my rants on this board, well, I apologize if you took anything I said personally, but then again you should know that criticism is fun!

3) I have realized that the things that have made me happy for years don't really make me happy anymore. I have seen just about every movie I've ever had any interest in seeing, and all the other movies I want to see are just imitations of better films I've already seen. Music is still pretty cool, but very little of it wows me; when you try to seek out the weirdest, most "avant garde" shit ever for a long time... well, I don't think there's an adequate second part of that sentence, but let me just say most of my listening for the past 3 months has been ambient records, drone records, and solo acoustic guitar records. I just can't get into a lot of that spazzy, 6436346 time changes per second stuff anymore. Not that I don't love complexity, but jesus.. I dunno. Also, I pretty much stopped playing video games!

4) I have decided I need to become a more SPIRITUAL person. People will inevitably question how I could believe in God, but I do believe. I don't believe in religion... well, I like the idea of religion to an extent, but I don't really side up with any religion in particular. I will just say that I feel like the hand of God has touched me and showed me many things. And no that isn't a drug reference...........

5) .....because I am going to give up every drug I have been doing. Which admittingly isn't much, I've experimented with a few things, but I'm done with all of it. Okay, okay, I'll take some codeine every once in a while if I feel bad (I do have back problems)... but I don't "need" to take it to be happy.

6) I think I'm going to try to eliminate every negative energy in my life. I'm going to ATTEMPT to quit cursing, to an extent. I mean, okay, in the heat of passionate sex, I may scream "oh fuck! Oh goddamn!" but nearly every other time I use such words, it's because I'm angry or expressing negativity. I want to erase that. I don't see anything wrong with those words, I just don't need to be so negative. I can express myself without saying "this fucking dicksucking bullshit sucks a fucking dick that has shit on it from where it fucked an ass." Anyway, this will be the hardest thing to accomplish.

7) I enjoy some of the music I make, but I realized years ago it'll never be successful. Not because there isn't a market for it; there certainly is, but I've had a few "big" releases where I really got my hopes up... and ultimately they don't mean shi.. Oops. Ultimately, they don't mean anything. I am glad people like what I do, and I am happier that some people LOVE what I do, and I'm going to make music to some extent for the rest of my life, but I don't really have the energy at the moment to promote my work, trying to shove it down people's throats.. and I certainly don't want to try to SELL my work.. which, I've always been very generous with free downloads, but at the same time I know that pisses off or would piss off labels that will or would or may put out my work. Sooo... maybe I should just self-release everything and put everything up for free? I mean, who cares. I dunno.

I want to sell just about everything I own except for my guitar and some of my clothes and some of my movies. I don't want to be tied down to any thing or any place. I want to go in the woods more. But the ticks and snakes scare me. That is all.

Best of luck, friend.

Nice post.
I wish you the best of luck for any of those changes that might require some hard work (psychological or other--). SRSLY.

what you've written is so endearing, given the little of what I know of you.. You sound excited and refreshed.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

here, for you, my latest semi-obsession:

Adam, by the way (not that some msgbrd dude's opinion matters, but...) although I started posting back on the old board (under different name) I dnt think I started talking to you until around 2007. At that time, I thought you were an arrogant prick (to be honest). But over time you became one my favorite ppl to talk to on here. A big part of that was that you seemed to change from being an arrogant prick, to being an open-minded person that was honest and genuinely excited about things. Maybe that was part of the 7-yr process (which I think by the way has to do with cells regenerating, scientifically speaking, but not sure?)

Haha thanks. Uhhh.. I think a lot of people find me arrogant, but I'm trying my hardest to be as honest as possible. And honesty, like humanity, is flawed... to an extent. I can't make everyone happy, so I've never really thought about the things I wrote before. But this goes with one of my points above (the "I shouldn't feel the need to express my opinion on everything" point). I will inevitably rub someone the wrong way, no matter what I say. Just my entire being is an invitation for certain people to mock or satirize. But the same could be said for almost everyone here (except PAULYBEE!).


Anyway, NR, you're one of my favorite people too. I mean, you told me about Spaceman.

haha, thanks man.

Oh, that goes with my point about losing interest in everything. I have seen more no-budget (almost literally $0) films in the past year that have blown my mind than high-budget films, combined, that have blown my mind in the past 5 years.

And Spaceman was one of 'em!

I find that sometimes you need to seek out something completely out of yr comfort zone. Like years ago I absolutely HATED Southern hip hop. But a few years ago, bored with music, I looked into it. Tried to understand it. Now I feel like it's some of the most important and interesting "folk music" being made in America today.

Sometimes you can't rule out anything. You might not like something today. But "7 yrs" from today it just might click and mean something to you.

I think it's just a perspective effect. She has no holes on the cheek.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FB288GH8WF8
first makeup ruins her face, second one you (N) might like.
from 0:35 to 0:40 - I die.

It's kind of the curse of someone who eat breathes and shits the creative arts like yourself that most people see them as arrogant pricks. Essentially because you soon realise without passion and conviction about these subjects there simply is no point in them. Art, music, film IS about feeling sometimes very negative towards them, because if you join those people who're as apathetic to creative stuff as we are to every other quotidian aspect of our existence, you may not be seen as an arrogant prick, but you'll never have that very personal and brilliant feeling of coming across something that actually CAN change your life. Essentially what I'm saying is by opening yourself up to being negative you in turn fully submit to music or whatever making you emotionally complete and content. So errr... yeah, don't worry about it. It's never good to think theres something 'wrong' with yourself.

You're in a process of self-realization. It's an awesome thing when it happens. I posted a bit on when it happened to me last year, when I had that utter physical/mental breakdown that lasted for a few months, and had no idea what the hell was happening. When I did finally figure it out, that knowledge by itself helped things to improve. I'm guessing your situation is more external than mine was, and may not be so receptive to my solutions. But what you posted, hell, I could post it (except number 3). Renewed spirituality is one of the biggest things I took away from the whole ordeal. Anyway...hope most, if not all, these things work out. I just don't know about the cursing thing. Heh.

strangely, it's this sort of "self-searching" that has me watching movies like Top Gun and listening to music from different countries, etc, etc.

i agree with jenn & nefeli, and the others too

(resident science nerd here)

All of our bodies cell's are constantly being replaced, except for our brain cells. (our brain cells can regrow, but they are not actively replaced like every other part of our body). Every single blood cell you carry inside you will be gone and replaced by a new blood cell created in yr bone marrow, every 6-7 WEEKS. Every muscle/skin/nerve cell in your body will also replace itself at a rate between 8 weeks to 3 months. The physical, corporeal YOU that sits at the computer today is not the same YOU that sat there half a year ago, LITERALLY. many of the atoms in our cells are re-used or re-absorbed and used for other purposes, but many are lost in our sweat, exhalations, piss, shit, sloughed off skin (each human sloughs off 2-4 POUNDS of material every single DAY, hair and skin cells mostly). 90% of the dust in your home comes from the human cells.


rob's a nerd

for real though. you are railing against personal stagnation and that is always a good, and sometimes traumatic, thing.
shake shit up. Mix it up.
sometimes it is not the details of your life you need to change but your inner script, the inner "filter" by which you experience everything n the universe.

Best of luck man.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Rob Instigator again.

great replies, thanks everyone.

hloly shit man, you're growing up. congratulations.

regarding the spirituality + "getting rid of negativity" -- good goal but don't get any illusions-- we all have "negativity" but the goal is not to get rid of it like one would disinfect an operating room, but rather to use it as a fertilizer of sorts.

i can't explain this very well much less on the interwebs but before you embark in a quest for purification that could get crazy, check out this book.

http://www.amazon.com/Little-Book-Hu.../dp/0062548476

trust me, it's pretty good. best wishes.

no!

somebody has to say it: for selfish reasons, I would prefer that you not become a different (better) person.

I come to this board to reaffirm my disdain for humanity; and quite frankly, if you were to become different (better), the quality of this board (any my continued interest in it) would diminish.

that said, have some robo and this time, try for two fingers.

maybe yr trying to be funny or something, but I'd like to think that we could be supportive of each other in our little corner of the world(wide web).

I sympathise on many points you make above, and wish you the best of luck, as you always seem like a nice guy. It appears you have reached a revelatory point in your life, when you push for finding your own true self, the one that doesn't get enough attention because so often it gets caught in the overall negativity of so many aspects of life in general, until you implore and can't enjoy anything or anyone altogether, you lose the will to smile, yet carry on like a zombified creature, numbed by all the things you hate, and more importantly deaf to the positive things around you. All the best, you deserve it.

ps: by the way, this process does show in the music you are making at the moment, more pensive and 'felt' than your previous incarnations, therefore you must be doing the right thing.

Just try not to get too boring.

^^^ distilled essence of my first post.


first, there is no try.

second, I'm not joking at all.

I have no vested interest in seeing any of you become "better people". that holds ZERO entertainment value for me.

am I being selfish here? youbetcha. I admitted that.

so, please, by all means, go on and tell us about how yr really a racist jew-hating pedo...I'll be loving every minute of it.

Real robots don't get bored, you half-cast puppet.

Touch that dial...all the way!

Shoot me like a rocket...into space!

Also, back to the actual topic...as you come more aware of the "new" Adam, you should never forget "old" Adam. His ways, his attitudes, the way he tackled problems or created his own. Knowledge. My situation was/is physical (all down to genetics)...I have to deal with it everyday. Ignoring it made it into the monster it became.

And now Dr. Benningfield steps down. Sorry if I'm getting my half-ass counselor on today. Clearly this has struck a nerve.

who said I was bored?? I am self-sufficient and generate 99.0583% of my own entertainment. I would just hate to see any portion of the remaining 0.9417% dwindle.

this board is dangerously close to becoming homogeneous. the last thing we need is everybody being nice and getting along for fuck's sake. save the prayer circles for sunday mornings.

ontopic: best thread ever

Your link game is shaky. Short circuit no doubt.

fix't. I type out my own forum code; sometimes it gets wonky.

:sad:

I think I've become a better and different person in the past few months. Incidentally, I've posted here less and less as that has happened. But let's not confuse correlation with causation...

If you were an efficient robot, not this pale (to keep it a bit ethnic) imitation of the real deal, you would be able to generate your own entertainment without the help of other posters.*

*There's a secret message hidden inside that post.

I clicked on every single word...nothing happened.

:(

# Disallows all robots
User-agent: *
Disallow: /

Lucky man.
Wouldn't you share those 99.0583% with the Board, or do you jealously keep them for yourself?

^ I hope you are aware that you are asking for pictures of him jerking off.

I'm sorry, but no. I'm happy being a cuntish prick and care very little for explaining myself.

ps: who the hell are you?

shit man! that's gualbert!

motherfucker's got mad repp! he slices AND dices
he slips on banana peels

fuck. homogeneity....

where are all the people who love to RAWK OUT????????? so much drone/ambient/bleepbloop shit. you can't RAWK OUT! where's the catharsis in SUNN? I find none! I find the sound of death imminent!

fuck your snakey wrangling! Your puckered indie anus!

sonic youth's new album better fucking ROCK

Rob says it, I'm gualbert.
The rest of the message is not quite clear to me.

the diarrhea is making my brain parcel ingoherent memes, trained together like a locomotive of lunch meat, like how kiley mingue used to do the locomotion, by which she meant she grabbed each of her abnormaly large pussy labia and did a little cha cha manouver

it increased the spread of her pussy funk in the air to do so

rotation increases percolation

snatch from down under

and she would shove her fingers up her asshole and give herself a dirty sanchez cuz the smll of fetid
duckbutter
creams her jeans
and the dance goes on and on

and her fat thighslappers engorge

Are you Lee Ranaldo?