Become a music hack in a few and easy steps
 

1)Have your ears indoctrinated by a seminal band(or the seminal band du jour)
2)Make sure that you sport the the dishevelled,unkempt,unwashed type of look and you never,ever make proper eye contact with people.
3)Mumble a lot(it gives an idea of some sort of knowing but undecipherable sense being made)
3)Isolate yourself from other people (this could go on from adolescence to manhood)
4)Go to a lot gigs making sure that you keep a diary with your own impressions of them
5)Give your opinion to just about anything that is going on
6)Use flowery language to express the easiest of concepts
7)Collect records even though you don't listen to half of them


To be continued........................

tap your fingers in perfect time to whatever you're listening to, whilst screwing up your face as you focus intently on the 'music'.

Living musicians are only good if they sell less than 10,000 records; Dead musicians are only good if they sell at least 1,000,000 records.

All LP's that have been reisued are 'dissappointing'; all LP's hat have not been reissued are 'seminal'.

Any band's early material is 'classic'; any band's later material is 'plodding'.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to porkmarras again.

- Be utterly resistant to other people's opinions and bands that you haven't heard of. Remember, it's not about the music, it's about how big your genitals are.

Always and I mean always do things in a list and it has to be numbered not bullet pointed.

• <- NO

1. <-Better.

I think I qualify.

Funny observations, porkmarras.






Jeff Koons, Ushering into Banality (Polychromed wood, 1988)

How much you like a new band is inversely proportional to their exposure/popularity

13?. NEVER EVER become enthusiastic about a band, you must maintain complete and total cool no matter how great and personally revered said band may be. You may never under any circumstances express you true excitement and joy when speaking about any band, even if they figure out a way to resurrect the dead and cure mankind's diseases. What'd you think pork?

While reading The Wire or some other hip indiemusic magazine, make sure you keep the mag in upright position and high enough so that everyone can see the name of the paper and the hip cover pic.
You don't have to actually read it.

speak like you know or have spent time with bands/musicians and that you have there phone numbers or meet down the pub.

also, be totaly humorless when it comes to the subject of music and never give any ground even if you are blatantly wrong and its only an opinion anyway.

I got one... Pretend to make music.

That's actually rule number one here, it seems...

judge the quality of a band's music based only on the way they look.

it's the clothes and hairstyles that matter.

also, pile as many bootlegs of key bands as possible and never ever listen to a single note on them.

remember, cd-r boots are good but you can't be a real music hack without a bunch of overpriced, xeroxed coverart silver cds.

Make lists cataloging the behavior of other music hacks. Guilty.