[Glice]

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

Whatever colour it is in reality.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Insh'Allah.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

I don't have a TV.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?

'Oil for babies' - the similarity in syntactic construction has misled you to a false conclusion.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Presumably, he preferred to be clean-shaven, and found a means of maintaining his appearance.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?

By people putting them there. It's an advice, not an absolute invocation of death for any transgressors.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Feet do smell. Noses are said to 'run' because normally viscous material is loosened, giving the impression of 'running' (used as a figurative simile).

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

'Go off' is taken to mean 'began' in many English speaking countries.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why are they called "apartments" when they're stuck together?

Because each is 'a part' of the whole (which is, incidentally, not 'stuck together').

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why there isn't a shorter word for monosyllabic?

The question is is there a more exacting word than monosyllabic for what it describes?

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?

Because you're idiots?

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?

Freestanding construction - the 'free' is omitted.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Because a bra is a single piece of material (in its original form) - 'panties' are generally made from two or more bits of fabric.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same?

Fat chance is ironic; slim chance is hyperbolic.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same?

Neither 'up' nor 'down' are appropriate adjectives for describing speed, except abstractly and by convention; hence the 'up' and 'down' are used less descriptively and more as intensifiers.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What's the difference between flammable and inflammable?

Flammable means 'may catch fire'; inflammable means 'highly combustible' (if my memory serves me right).

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why do croutons come in airtight packages when its just stale bread to begin with ?

The state of putrefaction may always get worse (see also cheese).

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Ah, again, near homonymy.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

If people from Poland are called "poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?

Naming conventions don't necessarily follow a continuous logic - particularly when the people being named come from distinct language sets.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why don't 'they', eh?

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Was it a cruel joke to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?

No - it's easier to wheedle out the fakers that way.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

Substantially, perhaps - who could tell without removing the sponges?

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Presumably, if coffee is their bag.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why women can't remember to leave the lid up?

I don't think they're obliged to, are they?

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Because the bottle is generally vacuum sealed - it's exposure to air that generally begins the constriction of the material.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Yes - skinny dipping refers to being naked in public, not to the size of the participant.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

In his car, or perhaps he walks, or has the snow 'plow' in his drive.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

Shipment implies transportation; cargo implies part of a larger stock on a ship.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?

No.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

It is spelt the way it sounds, so long as you know that the morpheme 'ph-' implies an 'eff' sound.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

If infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Perhaps - an odd comparison though.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

On stage.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why you park on driveways and drive on parkways?

You crazy Americans.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What's the difference between null and void?

Null implying without numerical value; void implying spatially empty.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why hysterectomies happen to her and hernias happen to him?

'Hyster' refers to the womb; hernias happen to all sexes.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why they call them buildings? Shouldn't they be called builts?

No.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What's another word for thesaurus?

I don't know of a single word, but you could make it longer if you liked.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What's another word for synonym?

Again, as previous answer.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What did they go back to before they invented drawing boards?

Dude, hella repetitious now.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Is it possible to have a civil war?

Civil having the same root as civilian, civic etc. 'Civil', meaning social decency, probably refers to unspoken conventions of respect.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Because lingerie is about lust - primarily visual.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why aren't hemorrhoids called asteroids?

In English, we say 'haemarrhoids' - the 'haem' referring to blood, rhoid meaning clotted (I think).

Originally Posted by atari 2600

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is this a hostage situation?

No. It would if he threatens to kill only one of the personalities, but only in a metaphorical sense. It would rightly be considered suicides, as it's the body, rather than the mind, which infers the complete human.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless?

More important, it's probably dead.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Are animal crackers made of meat? If so, then no.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why the alphabet is in that order?

Wasn't always so - but I believe there's some Roman documents explaining this.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What do batteries run on?

They don't 'run' on anything. They are a source of energy, released through positive and negative poles.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

My 7 year old niece would appreciate her shit joke back, please.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What keeps electricity in the wall?

The high impedence of the plastic on the cables.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Because their pelt is still live.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to talk?

No - a mime is perfectly capable of speaking and should, as such, be treated the same as anyone else. If anything, they should be shot on sight.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?

Again, it describes its concept perfectly.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What do you do if you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Tightly control the conditions affecting both.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Ah. I have no decent response to this.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

Presumably, self-contained boxes.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Do 'they'? If so, I'd imagine it's a case of good practice being more important than specifics of that practice.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Again, putrefaction is ongoing.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Did they? Again, good practice.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Because pipers don't have ears of shit.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Because it has many component parts.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What is the speed of dark?

A question for theorists of dark matter, I feel - dark is the absolute absence of light, and it's harder to judge something that is than something that isn't.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

Who was the first person to eat an oyster?

Abraham Lincoln.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

Because gruntled is not a generally recognised term.

Originally Posted by atari 2600

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The drawing board.

Aww. I miss Atari.