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THE BEACH =
- sun poisoning for albinos (like myself)
- exhaustion from trekking across sandy terrain
- sand in crevices of your body you were unaware heretofore existed
- screaming children. No matter how empty the beach appears, always screaming children.
- dangerous and often injurious litter left behind from other beachgoers; my personal favorite, glass shards and cigarette butts
- more sand
- fowl waste
- aggressive and frightening birds that produce aforementioned fowl waste
- the tinny sound of surrounding beachgoers' inevitably shitty music
- stickiness. Sunscreen, melting popsicles, the screaming children (entirely sticky by nature)
- more sand
- if you are imbibing alcohol, an unpleasant acceleration of the intoxication process
- if you are not imbibing alcohol, a desire to be intoxicated
- annoying fitness gurus jogging the length of the shore, flaunting their self-perceived athleticism, internally contemplating their superiority over those of us who are simply lounging on the sand
- the inevitable sighting of couples strolling hand in hand along the water, apparently feeling the need to bring every personal ad ever written in America to life
- bit more sand
I will not be visiting the beach this summer.
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