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Originally Posted by dead_battery
a fragmented puppet, a grotesque fool.
Now I am here I can see myself
but when I am charmed by vile delusions of happiness,
the foul magic of this engine of sorcery,
I cannot touch my essential self.
Why do you believe me then and now?
Remember the light and believe the light.
Nothing matters more.
Stop judging by appearances and make a right judgement.
–It's all right. You will get better.
–Your disbelief cures nothing.
Look away from me.
Hatch opens
Stark light
A table two chairs and no windows
Here I am
and there is my body
dancing on glass
In accident time where there are no accidents
You have no choice
the choice comes after
Cut out my tongue
tear out my hair
cut off my limbs
but leave me my love
I would rather have lost my legs
pulled out my teeth
gouged out my eyes
than lost my love
flash flicker slash burn wring press dab slash
flash flicker punch burn float flicker dab flicker
punch flicker flash burn dab press wring press
punch flicker float burn flash flicker burn
it will never pass
dab flicker punch slash wring slash punch slash
float flicker flash punch wring press flash press
dab flicker wring burn flicker dab flash dab float
burn press burn flicker burn flash
Nothing's forever
(but Nothing)
slash wring punch burn flicker dab float dab
flicker burn punch burn flash dab press dab
wring flicker float slash burn slash punch slash
press slash float slash flicker burn dab
Victim. Perpetrator. Bystander.
punch burn float flicker flash flicker burn slash
wring press dab slash flash flicker dab flicker
punch flicker flash burn dab press flicker wring
press punch flash flicker burn flicker flash
the morning brings defeat
wring slash punch slash float flicker flash punch
wring dab flicker punch slash press flash press
dab flicker wring burn flicker dab flash dab float
burn press burn flash flicker slash
beautiful pain
that says I exist
flicker punch slash dab wring press burn slash
press slash punch flicker flash press burn slash
dab flicker float flash flicker dab press burn slash
press slash punch flash flicker burn
and a saner life tomorrow
100
93
86
79
72
65
58
51
44
37
30
23
16
9
2
Sanity is found at the centre of convulsion, where madness is scorched
form the bisected soul.
I know myself.
I see myself.
My life is caught in a web of reason
spun by a doctor to argument the sane.
At 4.48
I shall sleep
I came to you hoping to be healed.
You are my doctor, my saviour, my omnipotent judge, my priest, my
god, the surgeon of my soul.
And I am your proselyte to sanity.
to achieve goals and ambitions
to overcome obstacles and attain a high standard
to increase self-regard by the successful exercise of talent
to overcome opposition
to have control and influence over others
to defend myself
to defend my psychological space
to vindicate the ego
to receive attention
to be seen and heard
to excite, amaze, fascinate, shock, intrigue, amuse, entertain,
or entice others
to be free from social restrictions
to resist coercion and constriction
to be independent and act according to desire
to defy convention
to avoid pain
to avoid shame
to obliterate past humiliation by resumed action
to maintain self-respect
to repress fear
to overcome weakness
to belong
to be accepted
to draw close and enjoyably reciprocate with another
to converse in a friendly manner, to tell stories, exchange
sentiments, ideas, secrets
to communicate, to converse
to laugh and make jokes
to win affection of desired Other
to adhere and remain loyal to Other
to enjoy sensuous experiences with cathected Other
to feed, help, protect, comfort, console, support, nurse or
heal
to be fed, helped, protected, comforted, consoled,
supported, nursed or healed
to form mutually enjoyable, enduring, cooperating and
reciprocating relationship with Other, with an equal
to be forgiven
to be loved
to be free
–You've seen the worst of me.
–Yes.
–I know nothing of you.
–No.
–But I like you.
–I like you
(Silence.)
–You're my last hope.
(A long silence.)
–You don't need a friend you need a doctor.
(A long silence.)
–You are so wrong.
(A very long silence.)
–But you have friends.
(A long silence.)
You have a lot of friends.
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?
(A long silence.)
What do you offer?
(Silence.)
We have a professional relationship. I think we have a good
relationship. But it's professional.
(Silence.)
I feel your pain but I cannot hold your life in my hands.
(Silence.)
You'll be all right. You're strong. I know you'll be okay because I
like you and you can't like someone who doesn't like themself.
The people I fear for are the ones I don't like because they hate
themselves so much they won't let anyone else like them either.
But I do like you. I'll miss you. And I know you'll be ok.
(Silence.)
Most of my clients want to kill me. When I walk out of here at the
end of the day I need to go home to my lover and relax. I need to
be with my friends and relax. I need my friends to be really
together.
(Silence.)
I fucking hate this job and I need my friends to be sane.
(Silence.)
I'm sorry.
–It's not my fault.
–I'm sorry, that was a mistake.
–It's not my fault.
–No. It's not your fault. I'm sorry.
(Silence.)
I was trying to explain –
–I know. I'm angry because I understand, not because I don't.
Fattened up
Shored up
Shoved up
my body decompensates
my body flies apart
no way to reach out
beyond the reaching out I've already done
you will always have a piece of me
because you held my life in your hands
those brutal hands
this will end me
I thought it was silent
till it went silent
how have you inspired this pain?
I've never understood
what it is I'm not supposed to feel
like a bird on the wing in a swollen sky
my mind is torn by lightning
as it flies form the thunder behind
Hatch opens
Stark light
and Nothing
Nothing
see Nothing
What am I like?
the child of negation
out of one torture chamber into another
a vile succession of errors without remission
every step of the way I've fallen
Despair propels me to suicide
Anguish for which doctors can find no cure
Nor care to understand
I hope you never understand
Because I like you
I like you
I like you
still black water
as deep as forever
as cold as the sky
as still as my heart when your voice is gone
I shall freeze in hell
of course I love you
you saved my life
I wish you hadn't
I wish you hadn't
I wish you'd left me alone
a black and white film of yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes or no yes
or no
I've always loved you
even when I hated you
What am I like?
just like my father
oh no oh no oh no
Hatch opens
Stark light
the rupture begins
I don't know where to look anymore
Tired of crowd searching
Telepathy
and hope
Watch the stars
predict the past
and change the world with a silver eclipse
the only thing that's permanent is destruction
we're all going to disappear
trying to leave a mark more permanent that myself
I've not killed myself before so don't look for precedents
What came before was just the beginning
a cyclical fear
that's not the moon it's the earth
A revolution
Dear God, dear God, what shall I do?
All I know
is snow
and black despair
Nowhere left to turn
an ineffectual mortal spasm
the only alternative to murder
Please don't cut me up to find out how I died
I'll tell you how I died
One hundred Lofepramine, forty five Zopiclone, twenty five
Temazepam, and twenty Melleril
Everything I had
Swallowed
Slit
Hung
It is done
behold the Eunuch
of castrated thought
skull
unwound
the capture
the rapture
the rupture
of a soul
a solo symphony
warm darkness
which soaks my eyes
I know no sin
this is the sickness of becoming great
the vital need for which I would die
to be loved
I'm dying for one who doesn't care
I'm dying for one who doesn't know
you're breaking me
Speak
Speak
Speak
ten yard ring of failure
look away from me
My final stand
No one speaks
Validate me
Witness me
See me
Love me
my final submission
my final defeat
the chicken's still dancing
the chicken won't stop
I think that you think of me
the way I'd have you think of me
the final period
the final full stop
look after your mum now
look after your mum
Black snow falls
in death you hold me
never free
I have no desire for death
no suicide ever had
watch me vanish
watch me
vanish
watch me
watch me
watch
It is myself I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind
please open the curtains
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