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My mom's death isn't as immediate as it likely sounds. Her condition was rendered terminal earlier this year though. She has bad kidneys, and although I offered to donate my own - she refused surgery and dialysis (not sure if I mentioned this in my previous post). I don't live with her, but have a house of my own less than 5 miles away.
See, my mom is Schizophrenic/Bi-polar. Ever since I was a kid, it's more been me taking care of her than the other way around. I don't have any siblings or anything, so my mom sorta took that 'little sister' role. My dad was always working or sleeping and I more or less raised myself. I don't blame her for that, as it's not her fault. It was her medicine, specifically the Lithium which has goofed her up internally. It's also why I refuse to take medicine for whatever mental ailments I may have inherited from her. It's why I make 'art' instead.
My parents recently got divorced, and my dad has more or less abandoned her when she's needed him most. I could kill him, honestly, if I weren't a wiser man. But he still does the bare essentials... and lives with her when he's not sleeping around. Idk man, fuck him.
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See when I found all this out earlier this year was when I was in the middle of my health kick. I was 'alpha'-ing the fuck out and randomly attracted the attention of the biggest crush I've ever had. Been interested in this girl for a while. She's one of those 'manic pixie dream girls' you always hear about. Very earth loving, into psychedelics, philosophy, and so, so kind. Just beautiful straight up, and very social as a result.
We hung out more than a few times, and I never made a move, despite obvious signs of interest. Mostly due to my insecurities, and also not really feeling the right time. She knew I was into her, but I think she just wanted me to 'man up' and make a move. She couldn't have been more all over my FB posts with likes and whatnot
Anywho a little before Halloween I offered to fix her PC. She wasn't home once I set up a boot drive for her, and was ready to head over. Said she had gone 'a little crazy', took off but would be back later, and apologized. I sarcastically said something along the lines of 'it's okay, you've always been the worst'.... stupidly not acknowledging how poorly sarcasm translates through text. We traded banter, me thinking she was joking, her thinking I was serious until I made a Leatherface-themed joke (Halloween-time) about skinning her alive. She didn't like that and accused me of advocating violence against women and telling me I was domineering towards her. I was taken aback so badly by this, and replied with a HUGE text (seriously like 3 page word document) detailing how nervous she made me, etc. No response. We still remain facebook friends, and it's been like a month now... but I don't have the balls to awkwardly hit her up again. Just giving her space. I wouldn't know how to akwaradly break ice after that anyway apart from "do you still hate me?" It's all so goofy. Creepishly long texts are never the right answer.
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What I'm realizing though is that my mom is dying (slowly but surely) and what I want so badly is a woman in my life to kinda care for me, look out for me, in a way that nobody ever really has - y'know? I could use that. I can only figure out so much on my own. Currently live alone. It was unfair of me to lay all that on her when I'm too much of a pussy to even try for a kiss (but what if I offend her?! I thought) Oh well, man. Oh well.
As fucked up as it is, I'm more concerned about this girl than I am my mom, I think. Or maybe they both sorta occupy the same center of my brain. Who knows.
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