[The Soup Nazi]

From Wonkette:

Mike Johnson Will Show You J6 Tapes Once He’s Done Drawing Dicks On The Terrorists’ Faces AKA Destroying The Evidence

It's not terrorism when white fascist Christians do it.

Lunatic extremist House Speaker Mike Johnson is supposed to be releasing the SECRET January 6 tapes, the ones that don’t show a terrorist attack by MAGA pigfucks incited by Donald Trump to help overthrow the government. He’s got the SECRET tapes. The REAL ones. The tapes Mike Johnson has are full of patriots making out with Constitutions and Bibles and asking Capitol Police to show them how a bill becomes a law.

Just really nice tapes.

But he can’t show you them yet. He’s busy blurring out the faces of all the innocent patriotic Constitution Bible Kissers, and it’s taking FOREVER. He has to protect them from the tyrannical Joe Biden Justice Department that keeps indicting them like common terrorists, because Biden’s DOJ clearly doesn’t understand that if white Christian landowners do it, it’s not a crime.

Johnson explained yesterday that he’s very sorry it’s taking so long to blur out faces and draw mustaches and funny glasses on ‘em so Joe Biden can’t GIT ‘UM.

“As you know, we have to blur some of the faces of persons who participated in the events of that day because we don’t want them to be retaliated against and to be charged by the DOJ, and to have other concerns and problems. So, that’s a slow process to get it done; we’re working steadily on it. We’ve hired additional personnel to do that But all of those tapes ultimately will be out so everybody can see them and draw their own conclusions.”

‘Kay.

As Mediaite reminds us, Johnson had previously said all his secret tapes “provide millions of Americans, criminal defendants, public interest organizations, and the media an ability to see for themselves what happened that day, rather than having to rely upon the interpretation of a small group of government officials.”

Or their own lying eyes, if they happened to be watching the attacks play out live on television.

He said yesterday he wants to “trust the American people to reach their own conclusions.” Or, you know, whatever limited subset of the population Mike Johnson actually considers Americans. (All the fathers and sons who have an app to confess their devil boners to each other, you guys to the front!)

Of course it didn’t work when Kevin McCarthy gave all the tapes to Tucker, who spent literal days in his Unabomber she-shed trying to find footage to exonerate all Trump’s terror cell members.

Johnson’s got 44,000 hours of tape. He’s released 90. (Total patriots totally exonerated: zero.)