[Toilet & Bowels]

check out this early scripts for star wars episode 1

Star Wars Episode 1 Scripts
EXT. JABBA'S PALACE. DAY
JABBA: Hello, Yoda.
YODA: Hello, dude. Everything alright?
JABBA: No. I've sprained my wrist.
YODA: Aw no! How'd that happen?
JABBA: Han Solo did it.

INT. DEATH STAR. DAY
EMPEROR: I think I'm getting a cold. I've got that really yucky feeling at the back of my throat.
DARTH VADER JNR: Mmm? What's that?
EMPEROR: I wish you'd listen. I said I think I'm getting a cold.
DARTH VADER JNR: Oh, God. I'll probably be the next one to get it.

INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Will you train me to be a Jedi, please?
BEN KENOBI: Sssh! I'm trying to watch Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Now look - I've missed the answer.
DARTH VADER JNR: I'm going to turn to The Dark Side now.
BEN KENOBI: You're not changing the channel, you little idiot.

INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
YODA: Ben... Ben!
BEN KENOBI: Wha? Whassa?
YODA: It's me - Yoda.
BEN KENOBI: What are you doing in there, Yoda? That's my laundry basket.
YODA: I got drunk, and I... I... I don't remember how I got in here.

 

INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
YODA: Ben, wake up!
BEN KENOBI: What? Who? Yoda!
YODA: Something terrible has happened.
BEN KENOBI: Hmmm... I thought I felt a disturbance in The Force.
YODA: No, that was me. I wet the bed.
BEN KENOBI: Oh, man! That's the last time I let you sleep in here with me.

INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
BEN KENOBI: What have you got there, Yoda?
YODA: It's called a Soda Stream. It makes fizzy drinks. Watch what happens when I put this nozzle up my nose, and press the button.
SOUND FX: (AN EXPLOSION)
BEN: ... Yoda...? Master Yoda? Oh, man! I'm gonna get into real big trouble with Mace Winda for this.

INT. TATOOINE SCHOOL. DAY
DARTH VADER JR: You guys are such saps. I'm going to hang around with the bad boys.
BEN KENOBI: Oh, Darth - you don't want to do that, man.
YODA: I've seen those bad boys smoking space cigarettes.
DARTH VADER JR: Yeah. They're cool.
BEN KENOBI: You're making a big mistake, Darth.

INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
BEN KENOBI: If we put the drinks over there, and the food on the trestle, we can...
YODA: Wait a minute, Ben - do you have permission for this party?
DR WHO (ENTERING): Party? What party might this be, boys?
BEN: Oh, er, hello, Dad! Um... no party. Er... so, are you all packed for your holiday to Vulcan?

EXT. TATOOINE HIGH SCHOOL. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Are you guys sure we should be breaking into the boiler room like this? We're supposed to be having double maths.
BEN KENOBI: Sssh! Mr Jabba The Hutt The Caretaker will hear us.
YODA: I sense a great disturbance in The Force.
DARTH VADER JNR: I've just wet myself.
YODA: That'll be it then.

INT. SPACE CANTINA. NIGHT
DARTH VADER JNR: I don't think we're old enough to be in here.
BEN KENOBI: Shut up, man, and if anyone asks, you're 21. Now sssh!
BARMAN: I hope you wiped your feet before you came in.
DARTH VADER JNR: Er... I didn't.
BARMAN: Then get out. We don't serve your kind in here.

EXT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Tonight I'm gonna head over to the old lightsabre warehouse and tag it.
BEN KENOBI: What do you mean?
DARTH VADER JNR: Tag it. You know: spray my name on the side.
YODA: But that's grafitti. Vandalism.
DARTH VADER JNR: So?
BEN KENOBI: It's against the law, man.

 

INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: I had a really weird dream last night. I had this black helmet on, and I was breathing funny. Also, I kept going on about feeling my son's presence.
BEN KENOBI: Er...
DARTH VADER JNR: What?
YODA: Great anger I sense within you.
DARTH VADER JNR: Yoda, I wish you'd stop stroking my face like that.

INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Look - I've pinched my dad's credit card.
BEN KENOBI: What are you going to do with that?
DARTH VADER JNR: I'm going to ring up Space QVC and order myself one of those big black capes.
BEN KENOBI: You're making a big mistake, Darth.
DARTH VADER JNR: Shut up, "Benny".

INT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. DAY
DARTH VADER JNR: Look at me, man: I'm space body-popping!
BEN KENOBI: Stop it, Darth. You're going to break something, and my dad will get mad.
YODA (ENTERING): Gah... ah... help me! My eyes - they burn!
BEN KENOBI: What happened?
YODA: I was pretending to be a dog in the yard, and I got sand in them.

EXT. JABBA'S PALACE. DAY
BEN KENOBI: Are you guys sure we should be up here?
DARTH VADER JNR: Sssh! Someone will hear us. Now watch - I'm going to break one of old man Jabba's windows.
YODA: Don't, Darth! Let's just paint swears on his door and get out of here.
JABBA THE HUTT: What are you kids doing round by my bins?
BEN KENOBI: Run for it!

EXT. DAGOBAH. DAY
BEN KENOBI: Hey, Darth - my mum and dad have bought me a puppy. I call him Chewbacca!
CHEWBACCA: Woof! Bark!
DARTH VADER JNR: I hate him already! Give him here.
BEN KENOBI: Oh, man! Why did you throw my puppy in the swamp, Darth? Sometimes I think you're messed up in the head.
DARTH VADER JNR: Stupid "Benny".

EXT. DAGOBAH. DAY
BEN KENOBI: When I grow up I want to own a chain of fishmongers. I'll probably call them "Kenobi's Plaice".
YODA: I want to be a falconer.
DARTH VADER JNR: When I grow up I want to be an evil murderer, who crushes throats with a flick of his fingers.
BEN KENOBI: Darth, why do you always have to say stuff like that?
YODA: Ignore him, Ben. He's just trying to show off - as usual.

EXT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. NIGHT
DARTH VADER JNR: Are you ready to come out, Ben?
BEN: I can't, mate. Mum's grounded me for accidentally breaking her favourite vase with The Force.
DARTH VADER JNR: You ought to show me how to use The Force, man.
BEN: I don't know, Darth. You'd probably use it to lift up girls' skirts and stuff.
DARTH VADER JNR: Yes.

EXT. BEN KENOBI'S HOUSE. NIGHT
DARTH VADER JNR: Pssst! Ben! It's me!
BEN: What are you doing on my extension roof, Darth? If my dad catches you...
DARTH VADER JNR: He won't! I used my Force powers to throttle him.
BEN: You did what!?
DARTH VADER JNR: It doesn't matter.
BEN: Yes it does!
DARTH VADER JNR: D'you want some, too?

EXT. YODA'S HOUSE. DAY
BEN KENOBI: Yoda! Who tied you up like this?
YODA: It's that Darth Vader Jnr. One minute we were listening to Steps, the next he was going crazy, accusing me of calling him a jawa.
BEN KENOBI: Did you call him a jawa?
YODA: No... but I did say his mum looked like Jabba.
BEN KENOBI: One day, Yoda, you're going to push Darth Vader Jnr too far.