[atsonicpark]

<B>LIMP BIZKIT - RESULTS MAY VARY</B>
by Adam Cooley

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Fuck. This album knocked me flat. FLAT. I am totally amazed.
This is probably the album of the year. This is NO joke. I LOVE this
fucking album.

Opening with what sounds like a train whistle and then followed by a
hilarious skit involving a carnival guy (does he say "spick"?) and Fred
Durst being like, "Yo, what's up?" Then, after Fred says, "Yeah, dawg, what
is it?" And the guy goes, "What... is... it....? IT IS LIMP BIZKIT..." at
1:04, I'm like "FUCK! IS THIS SLAYER?" Limpbizkit have always been the
kings of chord progression, and this album opener is no different. They use
all 7 strings to their advantage. They are math rock now, too, which is
great. This opening song is almost too technical for words. I think
that in their downtime, Limpbizkit have bought a few calculators... what are
they playing in? 9/23? 8/13? 7/94535363? Is this Squarepusher? Ehhh...
This is TECH-metal. Fuck Mars Volta. I was so impressed by the first song
that I played it about 600 times before I got to the next track.

You all know and love the next one, "Eat You Alive". At first I thought this
was The Postal Service. It's got a nice synth vibe. Limpbizkit are
basically punk rock pioneers, and I remember seeing them open for the New
York Dolls at CBGB's back in '76. Great lyrics are all over this song. "No
doubt... I'd love to... sniff on them panties now... I'LL EAT YOU
ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!" Wow, and you thought the Dillinger Escape Plan
were angry! After Fred lets it be known that he's indeed "Sorry.. so sorry",
the song degenerates into a 7-chord mellow treat. About now is when I should
mention the amazing production. You thought the new Metallica sounded good?
Well, what until you hear Fred's triple-tracked voice bumped up to the front
of the mix (with tons of reverb added to it too! And I love the loud guitar
parts when you can't hear any bass!). Anyway, this song is great. I think
the Blood Brothers covered this one live.

The next song ("Gimme the Mic") begins like vintage Limpbizkit. Wait a
second... is this a Rufio cover? This one has "creeping bass". Fred Durst says,
"Fuck all you posers." He's a microphone fiend. You know he is because
DJ Lethal spins this thing that says, "Mutha-mutha-fu-f-f-f-ucking microphone
fiend, fien, fien-fiend." Wow. How DO they do that? Fred is doing his
best Stevie Nicks impression here, and this is basically the best power
ballad I've ever heard. I'm not too sure about the techno breakdown near the
end, but... ehhh.. one of the weaker songs. Still almost as good as Xiu
Xiu.

Then there's a few songs in between here that rule. Usually, one song is
rappy, then one song is whiney, then one song is slow and sad. Whatever.
They all rock.

The next song I care to talk about is "Let Me Down", which Limp definitely
don't do. THEY NEVER LET ME DOWN, BRO. This song is metalic-tinged and rules.

"Lonely World" makes me cry... When Fred Durst goes, "Who's the
maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan?" 4 times in a row... that part just gets me. And
then when he's all like, "Little fucking whore. Everyone says your a fucking
slut.. I long to be inside your nice loose pussy lips, filling the musky gap
that used to be a nice virgin cunt, slipping and sliding in a void of
nothingness, and then I cum." Actually, he never says that. But I can
almost gurantee anyone that read that thought it sounded amazing. Anyway,
REAL lyric: "I loved sneaking out of my mom's house while she was asleep to
go with my gothic girlfriend and make love by the creek." Uh...

"Phenomenon" is just that: another song that starts with the main riff in
the left speaker for a while and then goes to a verse with the weirdest
bass line I've ever heard. And Fred says, "OH YEAH! Feelin' kinda horny! 20
eyes in my head! Misfit! And I ain't never gonna change!" I bet
<font color=purple>Lyrch</font> loves this one.

Up next we have "Creamer (Radio is Dead)". I'm not too sure about this
song. I just don't think my cargo pants are baggy or khaki enough to
properly enjoy this one. Whatever, I think Steve Albini produced this one
considering the AMAZINGLY loud snare drum... [EDIT: This is now my favorite
song. It didn't appeal to me at first, but the lyric "Take me back to
yesterday, rolling dice and gettin laid" really struck a chord with me].
Anyway, Fred calls someone "Mr. Halitosis of breath" which I think
he borrowed from Glassjaw. Cool. ALSO, he says "Memory that can ease your
pain like a melody from Kurt Cobain." That is hilarious on too many
levels.

"Head for the Barricade" features the rousing lyric, "FIGHT! FIGHT!"
repeated 16 times at the beginning. Fred calls someone a "knucklehead" and
namedrops Columbine. Actual lyric: "I'm kind of sick of being aggrivated,
I'm glad I'm hated, I guess I'm doing something right, that's what happened
back at Columbine." CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS? I can't make this shit up,
folks....... wow. I love the part where he yells, "STICK EM! STICK EM!
HAH HAH HAH STICK EM!" And he also says, "I put on my headphones! Listen
to the Deftones!" Hilarious. This song is great. Limpbizkit are on some
next-level shit... This song is ALMOST as good as that unprotected sex I had
last week. Fred ain't playin around.

Next up is "Behind Blue Eyes". This sounds VERY familiar...
I think Limpbizkit played this one live back in the early 70's after they
released their rock opera "Tommy", about a pinball wizard or some such
nonsense. Anyway, this song is acoustic and.. their next single? Who the
fuck does this band think they are? Staind? Nickelback? Drowning Pool?
Oh sorry... Drowning Pool play ASS COUSTIC music! ... I really shouldn't
say that since the guy's dead. By the way, the guy from Drowning Pool died.
HAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, this song is kind of short (about 6 1/2 minutes). I
love the little atmospheric rap at the end. Fred should work with Ministry
more often.

The album ends on a very somber note with "Drown". I can barely make it
through this song... it's that sad. "Maybe sorrow plays a role when you feel
unkind. Your abusive self lost that love or lost that time? Save ME! SAVE
MEEEEEEE! BEFORE I DROOOOOOOOOOOOWN." Actual lyrics. Anyway, this song is
acoustic. I don't know if you can bear to hear this song in its
completeness. You may actually commit suicide from its sadness.

After that strange ending, the album is sadly over... Another masterpiece
from Japan. The only problem I have with this CD is that it ends. They
really should have released about 20 CD's at once. This is incredible.

Rating: 11 stars out of 10.