[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by Alex's Trip

I am pissed off, but there is more that can't be articulated at the moment. It's always been there, but I guess that truth hasn't seemed that obvious before.

well man the struggle to be accepted by the father figure is a mythical one.

fathers want male sons to perpetuate themselves, any deviation from the norm is met with disapproval. it's not just a matter of sexual preference though-- think of artistic kids of sports-crazy fathers, untalented kids of overachievers, right wing children of hippie parents, etc, etc.

few fathers are mature enough to let their kids be and accept them and support them as they are. it's either neglect (irresponsible parents) or control (neurotic parents). you got #2.

now that they can't make you in their own (idealized) image, yes, you are going to 'disappoint" them. just like you would if you got a B in your report card.

with matters of sexual orientation things get even more hairy, because our conceptions of gender are very narrow and limited due to the cultural poverty of our monotheistic religions.

where things get fucked up (your case) is when parents try to compensate for their own perceived deficiencies by breeding "superchildren". in other words, you're carrying the burden of your dad's insecurities and unconscious fears, and that's why you're the golden boy, the overachiever, the straight A student. as long as you do that, it's a sign that they are "ok"., everything works. mess up and oops! the monster is out of the box, your parents shame (not your responsibility) takes over them and they become crazy.

the way i reacted against that shit was by turning into a slacker by design. i somehow perceived the 'trap" behind grades/approval and decided to shirk my duties and throw it all to fuck. but that's a long story i'm not ready to share on the interwebs. nor do i suggest you do the same. each has their own path.

go ahead and please read alice miller's classic, "the drama of the gifted child". oh i know it's a horrible title, but excellent stuff regarding the need of children to please their parents (pleasing the parents = survival), and how smart kids are particularly sensitive to that, and deform themselves, even lose themselves in the process.

but anyway,get ready because it's going to be a war. you're at an age when you're trying to become yourself, and what you are to become doesn't please the bosses. be happy though, because it will be a good and productive and necessary war. you can't be the golden boy forever without becoming a robot. the war for your own identity/independence/etc. i going to make you a person, so that's the good news.

anyway, im ranting. i have a headache and i need sleep. but don't worry, you're smart, you'll manage, provided you are committed to see the truth and not tell yourself lies.