Originally Posted by NWRA

This is how I think I would fare in a fight with each of these British celebrity chefs:

Anthony Worral Thompson:

Anthony is small and overweight but vicious, like a terrier dog. I duck his wild lunges, and hit him with a few playful jabs, emphasising my superior speed. After a couple of minutes, I see that the grizzled chef is starting to look flustered, so I hit him with a big uppercut for the K.O. verdict.

Verdict: WIN (K.O.).


Gary Rhodes:

Girlish nips and scratches from Gary cause me mild discomfort, before I hit him with a meaty uppercut which leaves him withering on the floor like an upturned woodlouse.

Verdict: WIN (K.O.).


Keith Floyd:

Alcoholic Keith has a feral fighting style which mainly involves biting. I immediately try to stun him with a left hook but he blocks it, grabs my arm and gnaws on it. I scream in pain, then repeatedly punch him in the back of the head with my right fist until he lets go. I connect with my next left hook, then hit him with a mighty uppercut to finish an ugly fight.

Verdict: A hard-fought WIN (K.O.)


Nigella Lawson:

I’m unsure about how to approach this fight. I don’t want to hit a woman but I don’t want to appear weak, so I point out that her name is stupid and sounds like a nickname for an effeminate boy.

She replies by calling me uncouth. We start to furiously trade insults, both getting heated, our voices rising in volume and pitch, until we sound like two adulterers having a pre-sex argument.

Then our voices slow to a whisper, and then a stop. We laugh and stare at each other... tear each other’s clothes off and have an animal-like romp.

Afterwards she is getting undressed and I can't resist upholding my K.O. record, so I hit her in the back of the head.

Verdict: An easy if immoral WIN (K.O.).


Jamie Oliver:

Cheeky 'mockney' Jamie is immediately pleading for mercy, whining about all of the good work that he has done for children and reformed criminals. I don't want to listen, grab his head and flush it down the toilet until he taps out. Service is resumed.

Verdict: An easy but satisfying WIN (by SUBMISSION).


Marco Pierre White:

I'm expecting Marco to forfeit the fight before it has even started, to protect his Gaelic good looks. So I'm surprised when Marco hits me with a massive right hook, using all of his surprising strength - he's suffered a frustrating day in the kitchen and wants to take out his frustration on me.

I'm beaten senseless for nearly five minutes before I manage to block a few of his swings, and hit him back. I then get into my stride and start to dominate, my superior strength coming into play, before the fight is broken up by a fleet of Policemen.

As we are bundled into separate Police cars, we catch each other's attention and both nod: a nod of mutual respect between two warriors.

Verdict: MUTUAL RESPECT.