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band arguments suck, and sometimes there's no other way around to saying things.
my mentality has always been to never miss a gig, never cancel a show; i've only missed a show one, but i had bronchitis big time and was supposed to play a collaboration with a band for 3 fucking minutes. it was freezing cold outside, that's the only time i said "fuck it".
still, you have to understand that not everybody has the same level of commitment as you have. i probably would have reacted the same way as you, of course she had her reasons for not wanting to play but you had your reasons for playing and then there were band reasons to play; what i'm trying to say it's that there's no definitive or easy answer, it's not like a compromise could have been reached because you either would've played the gig or you wouldn't have played it, so someone was bound to get pissed.
she's probably pissed because she thought you, of all people, would understand her not feeling well and skipping the gig, and that's probably alate manifestation of your relationship; because you broke up on civilized terms and kept a really close relationship (in the band) afterwards, then the impact of your breakup probably didn't register with her entirely, she might have even think that perhaps breaking up was good because you guys would still be close having good times without the drama or exclusiveness of a relationship, but now, she probably feels like it's really over, once you didn't side with her decision.
anyway, what i'm trying to say is that there's probably no way getting to feel like you do right now would have been avoided (if you had cancelled the gig and found out she went to work that day, you probably still would argue with her and leave you in the same spot), and that there's probably some unresolved issues with you guys, so you probably should talk about it whenever you guys feel ready, for now it seems it would be better if you take some time off from each other (and the band).
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