[Glice]

"I wasn't born an afficionado of walnuts. But boy, am I making up for that now!"

"Two words - swollen testes"

"Shakespeare said 'all the world's a stage'. Well I say 'screw you, Billy - my life's all about SAGE"

"Sometimes I feel like 6 limbs just aren't enough, as I was saying to Heff..."

"Mime artists really are cunts - no-one's denying that..."

"No man born today, or in any other era, could quite muster the gumption to [something somthing]".

"Some call it the wonder herb, some call it rosemary - all I know is that my chicken skin just ain't shit without it".

"I'd like to talk about mastication - read that again, silly. It's time, as a society, we learnt to think with our teeth".

"Saturday was the sort of day that made me want to drop everything, move to Switzerland and start learning how to yodel"

"I'm frequently told that bees are not a threat to my dogs..."

"Children's shit just isn't like any shit I've ever known"

"Preparing heroin without orange juice is what's known as a pain in the proverbial"

"My Father was a calliope player for most of my childhood"

"People often ask me 'Gumku, what's your favourite material?'. Everytime, with hesitation, I tell them - 'alabaster, my friend'"

"I know, like me, you're probably tired of people saying 'what's the hip new seasoning on the block?'. Well, let me tell you - mint, brother, mint".

I could entirely go on all night. I hope there's a strong cookery slant to your column.