|
Sven Unveils England Masterplan
At a press conference today, England manager Sven Goran Eriksson revealed for the first time the reasoning behind his selection of strikers for next month's World Cup.
"It's a simple matter of being prepared", he commented. "With the four strikers we are taking, we will always have a ready excuse for crashing out of the tournament in the quarter finals".
Sven elaborated: "everyone knows that Crouch is only there because I think he looks funny - he might score, sure, but not more than one goal. We expect that one goal to be against Trinidad and Tobago, when we are three-nil up anyway".
"We couldn't use the 'Beckham is injured' excuse this time, as we've used that at the past two major tournaments, so I have switched the target of the 'injured' excuse, to not one but two people. 'Owen and Rooney were injured' is going to be my main excuse for this tournament. I've been practising it in training, so I should be able to deploy it accurately as soon as I get the chance".
On the surprise inclusion of teenager Theo Walcott, who has famously never kicked a football, Sven added: "Walcott is my stroke of genius - if he scores a few, I'll be able tp make out I'm a great talent-spotter, and if he fails then the blame for our early departure can be directed at him rather than myself."
Asked why he is so prepared to throw away England's chances of winnning the World Cup, Sven said "basically, I don't give a f***. also I haven't got a clue, which doesn't help. I'm getting my millions either way, so whatever happens I'll be f***ing off to Italy to spend the rest of my life sunbathing - I will positively glow with smugness. I've f***ing struck it lucky coming to England, and I don't mind saying it; I wasn't really a manager anywhere else - I'm a paperclip salesman, with Sweden's fifth biggest paperclip manufacturer. I just faked my c.v. and put on a pair of glasses to make the F.A. think I looked clever. It was a piece of p*** too, I can tell you. The F.A. must be dumb as s***".
|