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Your post makes me sad also, C. I used to be very hypersensitive, even much more so than I regularly display here. And I was given to tears all the time. Like some have reminded, just know that the situation should soon pass.
I was diagnosed in the nineties with chronic depression. I've always thought I tend to be more bipolar as well, since I sometimes get manic and used to have problems with anxiety attacks. At the time and after a period of extended reluctance, I took all the ssris of the day. They didn't work for me and I'm not so sure they really work all that well for anyone. I do know one friend, however, that is now married with a wife and children and relatively happy that has been on paxil for years. I know another that has been on klonopin (not an ssri) and he's lost all his willpower and it's not done him any good other than allow him to quit using other drugs. In my life I have known countless people who became worse off after taking ssris.
Honestly, and I know it sucks to hear this, but maybe consider seeking some medical help for quitting the cigarettes. I know that's anathema to you right now, but as much as you rely on cigs to be there for you, they are only, in the end, making the situation worse. I write it because I feel you're intelligent enough to already have realized it yourself on some level. I certainly wish I could or would quit them somehow, so far be it from me to preach about them (since I've smoked a couple of packs of day for so many years).
I'm really depressed today. I'm considering moving out of this neighborhood. And moving in and of itself is such a stressful enterprise. It's always been a great place up until recently. It's a very safe, family-oriented neigborhood and there is no street crime or drug problem here. I feel like I have to clarify that before I write the following. But the thing that happened a couple of weeks ago with being detained for no reason (recounted in another recent thread) coupled with what happened today makes me think it may be time to move on.
I went outside today to take out the garbage and got questioned by next door neighboor about some keys they think they left on the hood of their car last night.
She says to me, "When you went out last night, did you happen to see any keys?" and then went on to describe where they were left and so on. Now, I understand it's only natural they would ask in a desperate attempt to possibly recover their keys (& I have long hair to boot), but still, I've been their neighbor now for almost four years. And what's up with the "when you went out last night" part? The supposition is creepy and nosy; just ask me if I saw some keys. And then the husband came by after I'd already spoke with his wife asking me once again about their missing keys. All of it is just too much monkey business for me to be involved with. (And, about a year ago the husband asked me about whether I'd seen anyone getting into his garden. I said it was probably deer, which it turned out later to conclusively be. He indirectly was accusing me, or at least he half-apologized about it later which makes me assume he considered me suspect).
At any rate, as usual, I'm blowing everything out of proportion, but unless they find their damn keys and give me an apology soon, I'm going to start making plans to live somewhere else...or at least that's how I feel right now.
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