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It has occured to me that I have a huge conflict with myself. Everyone is conflicted to some extent- conflicts between moral beliefs and desires, etc. How you choose to resolve these conflicts shape your character.
I have a conflict bigger than those. My desire to continue being myself and doing what I do, and my desire for female companionship. I hate what a seed of lust/infatuation/love does to my personality. I can't stand how sickening couples act, it disgusts me. Unfortunately, when I like a girl, I can easily fall into that trap. Gang of Four's song "Anthrax" pretty much sums up those feelings for me.
I feel that I can't abandon this conflict in either way. I feel that this conflict is what fuels my very life and well being. Without it I'd be nothing.
I think I purposefully pursue and sabotage my chances with women to keep this up.
My dreams have pretty much alerted my conscious that I have an intense fear of commitment, so much that I don't even want to date.
I think I have put the idea of a "relationship" on such a high pedestal, that any idea of such gives me idealist feelings that in turn make me nauseous.
"When it comes to a boy meets girl situation, I'm not in the least bit romantic. Romantic to me means that you build up an idea of something and nothing touches it. I tend to get romantic about things like Hell's Angels, you know, motorbikers that wear dirty black leather. People are too complex to get romantic about. I'm romantic about Rock N Roll music; to me Rock N Roll is a very romantic idea."- Jim Reid
That quote really sticks out to me. I feel Jim Reid really hit the nail on the head there. I think I have built an idea up about love that makes being in love with a woman impossible. How is it possible to be with a woman that I find really really awesome and not act like an idiot or a different person? It is possible to be with Rock and Roll and act as I truly am. How could a woman possibly compete with Rock and Roll?
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