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3rd world stories (i didn't break any US laws, ye feds)
once i was smoking a blunt on top of this hill around this slum when suddenly a ton of little children come out of the nowhere and start charging at us-- these are called piraņitas (little piranhas) cuz they attack in packs, usually to mug people. so i threw the reefer at them and while they fought over it we drove off in a hasty retreat. true story.
another time on top of another hill this dude friend of my who was a professor of philosophy and i are getting baked inside the car and these cops come around and bust us. i threw the roach down into the leather around the stick shift, likely into the gear box (it was an old car) so the cops couldn't find it, but they could smell it all. they did find eyedrops in my bag and they order us to spit and we had the worst cottonmouth and it was hilarious and terrifying.
then my philosopher friend starts to argue with one cop about the meaning of authority and why he should let us go and things are not going well because he's starting to sound subversive. so i shut him the fuck up and i say to the cops look man this guy has a wife and a kid and he could lose his job if you bust him and we havent hurt anyone, we are not bothering anybody and we apologize, but please don't ruin my friends life, i am just a student. so they let us go-- working class solidarity.
another time hm i got so blazed that i literally turned into a rock. these 2 other people were talking & talking and they turn to me & say "whoa, this guy got so stoned he can't talk. say something"
all along this time i had been watching the two of them and i thought they were little monkeys, like, apes, and they were talking utter bullshit, and i was laughing at them in my mind because of their need to chatter. this is going through my mind as they are trying to get me to talk and i realize i have nothing to say, nothing at all, and talking is utterly pointless and stupid because, well, at that point, it is.
so i sit there in a long-ass pause in what seems to be days of cosmic meditation. finally i manage to unlock my jaw and i say: "sommmethhhhhing". they laughed at me like i was the stupidest person on the planet-- which probably i was at the moment, being unable to say quickly that i just wanted to shut the fuck up and they could keep talking.
another: we go camping on the beach in summer and we have a huge stash of weed to smoke. so we do. so then it's our turn to do the dishes, which we wash in the sand. then we make a mound of wet sand and we throw the knives at them in order to clean them. this takes forever.
then we are talking and while we stand by the water talking this guy is making THE BIGGEST FUCKING SANDBALL EVER in his hands. he's got this technique where he adds layers of wet and dry sand and pats it and the thing doesn't crumble. the thing is HUGE, like a fucking basketball. then when we finish talking he puts in on the wet part of the sand where it's flat and the sandball is perfect and polished and i momentarily hallucinate that the sandball grew out of the flat shiny sand, like a sea mushroom. it thought that would make a great painting.
etc.
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