[atsonicpark]

Nearly everyone in my family died, and I've had to pick up the pieces and go to court about 20 times in the past 6 months over all kinds of different shit relating to people dying. I tried to kill myself a few times but I must be doing something wrong. Just start the car in my garage and cover up in blankets and roll the windows up, right? Hmph. I've gotten further and further into drugs. That's not true. I'm actually surprisingly drug free despite some opiates every now and then and I'm going to do some X soon. I love X. I stopped drinking cough syrup. 100 times seemed like enough. Also, my girlfriend broke up with me a few times. I don't blame her. I've never yelled at her, I've never been mean to her, contrary to what you think I'm actually a gentle person.. I seem confrontational to some people who don't understand my sense of humor.. on here, not in real life. In "real life", I'm a pretty quiet person who minds his own business. I know no one would treat her better than me. But she's just brainwashed and she wears a masks and hides herself from people. No one really knows who she is except for me. Like REALLY knows. And not just because I fucked her. So, it's one of those things, since I see who she really is, it scares her or something and she is mean to me. And I just am like, "Whatever. Go date someone else then. *shrug*" Which I don't really mean. Jesus, in a month and a week, we've been together 6 years! Her biggest problem isn't with me, it's with, "I'm unsure... about the future..." Well, no shit, who isn't? I tell her, she needs to go out and hang out with friends and mingle with people and then she'll realize how I am versus how everyone else is. Not that I'm that great. But I'm great for HER. She's too shy to talk to anyone. I've introduced her to so many people. I dunno. I've set up hang out time for her and other people because she simply won't do it. Meanwhile, she keeps telling me we're moving out together and all this shit. I have $12,000 in the bank, and I'm not happy in the fucking least. Money can't buy me happiness.. that's true. I don't feel any better than I felt when I had 12 cents. I dunno. Just all this shit. The main thing I'm really focused on.. oh, I forgot, my "best friend" is an irresponsible, lazy idiot. He sleeps like 16 hours a day, broke my computer (got viruses on my computer that I had used for 8 years without a problem and then acted like he didn't do anything... and then finally admitted he did, by feeding his porn addiction he downloaded some trojan bullshit to it when I was away.. my computer was at his house because we were recording over there and all my VST plugins were on it and shit...he downloaded a trojan and didnt' know what to do, it's not fucking rocket science, I have a million trojan killing programs right when you click start, I'm the safest computer user in the world), then after he broke mine he got his all wet.. his $1600 laptop.. he's some rich kid, who has gotten everything handed to him, nothing is of value to him, he just breaks shit, leaves my movies out and they get all scratched up and shit.. I fucking hate him sometimes, like seriously hate him. Whenever we hang out, he makes a big deal about his diet, he eats 8 meals a day or some bullshit, and he's never had a girlfriend and he's 23 because he's a loser who doesn't talk to anyone and, again, I've tried to help him but he doesn't take any of my advice and doesn't do any of the shit I say, even though I'm the same age and I've messed around with at least 3 beautiful (in the eye of the beholder) girls. But somehow I don't know what I'm talking about, even though I'm clearly not a hotty and I've somehow gotten my dick sucked by girls that any reasonable person would go, "Okay, she's way out of your league." This guy looks just as good as me.. or bad.. he just has no personality! Why do I even hang out with this guy? I sound like a bad friend, but I'm really not, I clean his house for him, organize his things, spend time burning him cd's.. well, when my burner worked.. ripping cd's to his computer, buying him food even though he's a rich kid and doesn't need my money, I give him drugs. Whatever. I always listen to him. But he doesn't have much to say. And he'd abandon me in a heartbeat. And my other good friend is in really bad shape too. His dad died and he went numb to the world. He stared at a wall the other day for the entire day. That's all he did. He blows his money on bullshit and then he feels bad about it. I dunno. I can't help anyone, and everyone around me needs help. I pay all my mom's bills because she's too lazy to work. My grandpa is a mean old man and I feel guilty because he has 2 pill bottles of 500 hydrocodones each, and he doesn't ever take them because it makes him itch and they expired a year ago, but I went and took about 10 without his permission. I felt like a thief. I am, technically, stealing. I mean, they're going to go to waste anyway. I'm not addicted or anything. But I have back problems. I had back surgery. I'm not making excuses. But I really should go to the doctor and get a prescription. But I'm too lazy myself. I don't feel driven to do that. Maybe it's not laziness. I mean, I work all the time. I work 3rd shift. I work REALLY hard. Like, REALLY. Like, I kill myself working so hard. I shouldn't feel guilty taking 10 pills. I broke them into 4ths because I'm so skinny that a 4th of one of these pills is all I need. It's like I have 40 pills. I've promised myself I'd never steal from my family again. Even if it was going to just be thrown away anyway. When he dies, I get everything in his house, so I guess technically I'll inherit all his expired pills. So... ahh. I'm not going to try to make myself feel better for doing something like that. I'm not a thief. I'm a criminial, technically, because I do occasionally take drugs. I'm going to do ecstasy really soon. Oh, did I mention going to court? Yep, I have to go to court because I evicted some meth whore from a house my aunt left me. And whatever. She owes me $1410. She's on the run now. I have to file a bench warrant. All this shit. We're also suing these doctors because my aunt overdosed on pills. But the thing is, all the pills in her system were of the right limit. The right amonut that doctors prescribed. But she was prescribed methadone for 2 years. You're only supposed to be prescribed that for a few MONTHS I think. Actually, I read 6 weeks. We're suing a doctor, not doctorS. I don't even feel like spellchecking. The only thing that makes me happy is making and listening to music. I feel like my whole ... my whole BEING is to try to help people, to try to give people insight, advice, to expose people to something a little different. I willingly recognize I exist outside of the norm and seek out things that are far beyond and outside the boundaries of what most people are content with. But I don't, honestly, care what people end up liking. I just wish people were more open minded. If you tell me to check out a band.. yeah, obviously, I overlook occasional reccomendations, but if someone goes, "Adam, this band will BLOW YOUR MIND, you MUST listen." I go, "Sure!" I'm EXCITED to! I think everyone on this board would LOVE Cerberus Shoal, but almost no one will bother looking them up. That doesn't anger me or disappoint me, it's just silly that people are overlooking truely brilliant music in favor of some cocksuck band like the Mars Volta. That's not limited to this board, it's everywhere.. everyone in general. I try to not be like that. I want to be open minded all the time, even when I don't feel like it. Fuck, I've gone out of my way so many times for people... I uploaded well over a GIGABYTE of albums on a 28k modem for a friend. On dialup. He was on cable. I just.. I dunno. I burned movies for people and shit for free, back when I had a burner that worked. I dunno. I do everything for free. Record labels get pissed off at me because I give people mp3's and shit of things they plan on releasing by me. I guess I understand, if they're printing the art and doing all this shit to get it looking good and presentable, but most of those labels just wait until an order comes in, then they burn it then, and that'sd the end of it, no other "art" is involved with making a cd. I also wish I could HELP labels. Seems contradictory. I mean, I want to get my music out there to a lot of people so I can end up alligning myself with a label and helping them with something. because there are people that work way harder than me, playing shows all year long, and .. spending money, time, and ... working hard. Really hard. Harder than me! And I appreciate that. I love that. That's what really attracts me to music. That we all obsess and work so hard over SOUND. That discover of NOTES. Like, right now, my OCD is acting up, I have to get the entire discography of like 5000 bands still, I must hear every melody ever put to tape! I love making music though. Man. That's my real thrill in life. That's better than drugs or... maybe not sex, but drugs! I think I make good music. I don't think I make GREAT music, I think I've MADE great music but I don't constantly make it. But who does? I think I have a couple songs that are really, truely amazing.