[batreleaser]

16 BITCH PILE UP
by B. Edwards

Sixteen Bitch Pile-Up is a group of ladies—and I use that term (ladies) loosely here—based in Ohio who get together and make sounds; sometimes the sounds are like porcupine car wrecks recorded underwater, sometimes they’re like slow glacial drift. At one point there were five of them, but two were sacrificed and cannibalized and aren’t spoken of in polite conversation anymore. The remaining ladies, sarah, sarah, and shannon, are soon to be undertaking a tour of the united states, wherein they will eventually park their shells in the San Francisco Bay Area of California. A tour itinerary follows the interview so you may track them down and witness their cathartic seizures live. Until then, behold: undistilled 16 Bitch Pile-up.
Since 16BP is a small army, or perhaps more accurately a highly disorganized battle of pheremonal explosives, maybe you best present your name and what sounds you make as part of the pileup.

sarah bernat: i make dirty sounds.
sarah cathers: you SMELL like dirty sounds.
sb: YOU smell like dirty sounds.
shannon walter: you are retarded.
sb: it’s a miracle we make sounds at all.
sc: i often make farting sounds with my hands.
sb: i like to draw cock and hairy balls.
sw: i am so happy to be alive.
sb: did we answer that?
sw: precisely.
sc: shannon plays the heavy shit (dark cave drippings) i play the OTHER heavy shit i.e.: car crashes, and sb is like when you are stranded in the desert and you hear that shrieking flying carrion beast.
sb: or like when you’re in seventh grade and fighting with your parents.
sc: i'm totally goth.
sw: no, I'M totally goth.
sb: no, you’re more like IDM.
(sc high-fives sb)
sw: (indignant) have you EVER listened to me? i'm insulted.
sc: have you ever really (sc, sb, sw in unison) looked at your haaaand?

Wonderful; I expected nothing less from you skirts. I have no idea to what the “hand” reference refers, and I’m glad for it. Let’s try something more concrete: Bernat, I know you’re a biking kinda gal. Are you all avid bicyclists? Any moments of bike and idiot driver vengeance worth sharing?

sb: bicycle!
sw: when i am not wearing heels.
sc: too true!!
sc: i abandoned my car in detroit cause i'd rather ride.
sb: i don't know about angry drivers (sc: yes she does) but i got in an accident and got maced and got put in jail for the night, does that count?
sw: a greasy spitball in a wifebeater called me a cunt blowjob and nearly killed me so i threw an open and full beer bottle directly at his face and the car exploded.
sc: oh, you mean there's rules? ohhh i'm sorry officer (bend over, put tits in cop face) they don't teach you that in riding school….
Getting maced definitely counts re: bad interactions; what had you done to warrant the macing? (I am, of course, assuming your guilt here.)
sb: well i had already been handcuffed and left to rot in the back of the cop car, when after about an hour they dragged me out of the back seat to formally arrest me. like anybody, i've seen too much TV, so when they don't read me my rights i get all WTF and say to the 2 cops who are on me: "well aren't you going to read me my rights?" they respond, "NO" and i'm all like, "what? why not? read me my rights!" to which they respond, "NO shut the fuck up" and i'm not happy, and they're not happy, and even though i'm still in handcuffs and there's 2 cops on me, apparently i'm some kind of a threat, so i get maced. that shit lasts forEVER, like 6 hours. when we get to the station one of the assholes tells me i can wash it out with water, which i do, but if you know anything about mace, which i didn't, putting water on it just makes it flare back up like it just happened. this was total bullshit and the worst experience of my life. how did this happen to begin with? well i ran a red light and hit a pedestrian, gave myself and probably her too a concussion. it had been bad day -- a real bad day. In fact it was probably already the worst day of my life before all that shit went down, so getting arrested was just the icing on the cake.
sc: i must say, she is no cupcake when it comes to dealing with the cops, or any authority for that matter...
And here I was thinking bicycling might steer