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Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: I want to kill myself, even moments when I have nothing to be unhappy about. But, really, usually, there are lots of moments I should genuinely be unhappy, and those don't seem to effect me as strongly as they should. So, it's just a constant bad vibe I feel off of everything, and it's rarely amplified. I don't cry or anything, usually, I just kinda feel bad. I don't mope. I don't show it. Except on sy gossip. I don't even get angry -- maybe that's my problem. I don't yell at people. I should. I keep it bottled up. I've been on meds for 3 weeks. They stopped working last week. I need to probably take more or get put on a higher mg. I dunno. I feel like garbage all the time. Always have. Even when hot chicks want my bone, even when my music or movies become successful, I always am just like... hm. I focus on the problems. I focus on the anxieties. I can't just be happy. No matter how much money I have... no more how much "success" (again, HA HA) I may attain, it doesn't matter to me, mainly because material objects don't really matter to me. So, what's left? What is there left to work towards? I hate spending money, and there's nothing I want to buy with it. So, why am I even working? Because I'd go insane if I wasn't? But work drives me insane, too! I hate meeting people, because everyone is so flawed, and I feel like I'm an amazing friend -- I think I alienate people because I'm too good to them. I think I set an impossibly high standard upon which a worthy friend could never return the favor. And then, would I even want them to? Back when I had a working burner, I'd burn my friend 50 cd-r's a week for months on end. When he got an external, I borrowed it and put 500 albums a day on it (did I mention I have OCD?) for a few weeks. I was constantly making things for people, burning things for people, and then I just kinda stopped. I'm not really passionate about friendship anymore. Hell, I'm not sure if I'm passionate about anything anymore. Even sex is boring. I take everything to its logical extreme and then I just kinda lose interest. I feel like I've heard/read/seen everything that's worth hearing, reading, or seeing. I dunno. Life is just fucking pointless.
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