Depression pretty much sums it all up for me. I, as most others have really nothing to complain about when I compare my life and circumstance to those around me. God has blessed me. I am thankful, but I am not happy.
I pretty much live for the sake of my kids. When I had kids I didn't really know why I was setting myself up so young for such responsibility. I realize now that they are the reason I get up in morning. They are the reason I am not so far gone that there is no point of return. I can't just kill myself because they need me. I can't just go and take all the drugs I want. I have to make sure they survive. But in the same turn why? They will most likely end up with my crazy and feel the same way I do as adults. What have I done!
THer is also that damn Catholic Block that hangs around in my subconscious "Suicide is Murder."
For the record the antideppresants don't do shit. They leave me unfulfilled.
Some have mentioned here the factor of intelligance level. IGNORANCE IS BLISS. I don't claim to be a genius or anything. I do see that those who lack in the area of intelligance seem to be very happy people, and those that I consider smarter than the average cookie seem miserable. They don't care why things happen. They just live and they are happy with boredom. I admire that.
I am just coming to acceptance that I have to keep on living till god sees it fit to remove me. It's hard when your mind is divided against itself, but you have to just keep breathing.