[The Soup Nazi]

From Wonkette:

Mitch McConnell Peacing Out, Has One More (UKRAINE) Thing (UKRAINE) On To-Do List (UKRAINE)

House Speaker what's his name is 'isolated' on 'an island.'

The late-breaking news is that Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell be dead will be stepping down as the Republican leader in November. He has served longer than any other party leader in the entire US American history of the universe.

“One of life’s most underappreciated talents is to know when it’s time to move on to life’s next chapter,” said Mitchums. “So I stand before you today ... to say that this will be my last term as Republican leader of the Senate.” Well all right. If he thinks he’s grown up enough to move on to “life’s next chapter.”

He says he’s sticking around as a senator until his term is over, in January of 2027. We assume the new leader will be chosen in the traditional Republican way, which involves the current leader handing out big pieces of cake to all the members. Inside each one is a live baby, a kitten or a puppy. (It’s like Mardi Gras, except everybody wins!) Whoever eats theirs fastest is crowned the new leader, so all hail JD Vance!

(In all seriously you guys, Politico reports it’s likely to be a fight between John Thune of South Dakota, John Cornyn of Texas, and John Barrasso of Wyoming. Who will win? John will win.)

The original purpose of this post wasn’t to write Mitch McConnell’s political obituary, but rather to talk about the meeting all the congressional leadership — McConnell, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, House Democratic leader Hakeem Jeffries, and extremist freakshow insurrectionist pubestain Speaker Mike Johnson — had yesterday in the White House.

It was partially about averting a government shutdown ahead of this Friday’s deadline. Johnson swears he does not want a shutdown, as long as the entire world is willing to give him whatever he wants in return. (Wonkette is examining that in a different post de blog.)

But much of the meeting was spent reportedly teaching Speaker Johnson how to be a real American, as opposed to a Putin rentboy. You see, the big update on that direly needed Ukraine funding the Senate passed is that Johnson still hasn’t done fuckdick with it. How many innocent people have died because weak and ineffective leader Mike Johnson was too busy sitting on his thumbs? You’ll have to ask the Ukrainian government that.

Politico reporter Burgess Everett relayed Chuck Schumer’s words afterward: “The meeting on Ukraine was intense. It was intense because everyone in that room is telling Speaker Johnson how vital it is. I’ve rarely seen a meeting with the passion, the importance of getting something done.”

McConnell has long believed getting this Ukraine funding through — and seeing Ukraine through, in general, in its unchosen war against the genocidal dictator next door — to be key to his legacy.

Politico reports that McConnell spent his time in the meeting telling Johnson please pass the fucking Ukraine aid bill. They report that McConnell is “sensitive to Johnson’s tough position” — i.e. how weak of a leader Johnson is, we think they are saying? — but he’s not showing “deference” the way he did with Kevin McCarthy.

More words from the reporting about where Johnson finds himself are “on an island” and “isolation.” Politico says it was a “near pile-on” from the Democrats — which of course included President Joe Biden — but notes that Schumer said afterward, “McConnell was the lead speaker in saying we needed to do Ukraine” and that “It was the consensus in that room Zelenskyy and Ukraine will lose the war” if America doesn’t get its shit together with this aid. (God has chosen you for this one job, Mike Johnson! Don’t disappoint God more than you already have.)

Yesterday afternoon, McConnell told reporters:

“What I hope is that the House will take up the Senate bill and let the House work its way. If they change it and send it back here, we have further delays,” McConnell said on Tuesday afternoon. “We don’t want the Russians to win in Ukraine.”

(NOTE: A lot of MAGA Republicans are traitors who do want the Russians to win in Ukraine.)

“So, we have a time problem here. And I think the best way to move quickly and get the bill to the president would be for the House to take up the Senate bill and pass it.”

McConnell ain’t the only one talkin’ shit either:

“I don’t know how many political lives he has,” Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) said of the speaker. “But I think it’s really important that we get [Ukraine] done.”

LMAO did John Cornyn just call Mike Johnson a pussycat? We think he did.

Cornyn also said Johnson is “trying to figure it out and I wish him well.” So we guess that means Cornyn will send a card whenever Marjorie Taylor Greene or Matt Gaetz decides it’s time to burn Johnson for a witch.

So will Johnson actually do something, or is all that Ukrainian blood going to continue to collect on his hands? Three guesses:

While all four top leaders are now in apparent lockstep about avoiding a government shutdown, Johnson remained noncommittal on an emergency foreign aid bill, simply stating that lawmakers must prioritize the U.S. border before helping an ally overseas. He is pushing Biden to use executive actions to tighten security on the southern border before turning to Ukraine, and he is not alone in that view.

Great. The forked-tongued porn-cop from Louisiana just needs to bitch some more about “border,” even though Johnson has said out loud with his actions that he and his conference do not actually care about “border.”

Politico has more on the back-and-forth as it currently stands — it could still end up being a few centrist Republicans joining with Democrats to go around the limp dick with the gavel to get the funding through the House — as well as the pushback McConnell is currently experiencing from the Putin wing of the Senate.

Speaking of the Putin wing in the Senate, several of them are now saying the only way to end Russia’s war on Ukraine is a “negotiated settlement,” by which they mean Putin would get SOME rewards for invading the country next door and raping and murdering its children to death.

That’s what that means, right, JD Vance? Please clarify if we have that in any way incorrect. (And please translate the clarification out of the original Russian while you’re at it.)

[Politico]