[The Soup Nazi]

Good news and a good time via Wonkette:

Joe Biden Up Six Points (22 With Women), And That's Before The Pentagon Even Activates Taylor Swift!

What? All the conspiracy theories are true, obviously.

Evan Hurst
Feb 1, 2024

 

We made an AI, sorry

Look, loser Dean Phillips and the mainstream Beltway media that can’t stop bitching about Joe Biden being too old and, again, loser Dean Phillips!

It’s a poll!

Look, Donald Trump!

It’s a Quinnipiac poll!

It says Joe Biden’s winning!

It says he’s winning by six points nationwide! It’s 50-44!

Joe Biden has Democrats 96 to two!

Which is better than Trump’s 91 to seven Republican lead!

Joe Biden has independents 52 to 40!

It says Joe Biden is winning women by 22 points AKA 58 to 36!

Considering all this, the poll says Dean Phillips should go rub his dick in hell!

Just kidding no it doesn’t!

Quinnipiac didn’t ask if he should do that!

An honest oversight, we are certain!

But it’s really time for him to get out of the goddamned way, please and thanks!

(The poll also has a whole section about Biden v. Nikki Haley, who does better against Biden than Trump does. But she ain’t gonna be the nom unless something truly crazy happens, so fuck writing about dat.)

This is why MAGA is so scared of Taylor Swift, even before she’s been activated.

Just wait until the Pentagon and the Deep State and Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden and the Illuminati lay hands on Taylor Swift and speak that secret incantation “Look What You Made Me Do” and imbue her with the all the powers of God and Jesus and give her the nuclear codes and Dark Brandon is fused with Dark Taylor and they use all that power to tell Americans to write Joe Biden’s name in their Blank Space.

Just wait until the CIA does the Taylor Swift brainwashings to all American women, so they will run, not walk, to the voting booth to tell Donald Trump how they know All Too Well that they are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together with him.

Just wait until Satan reveals himself as the real president who’s been hiding behind Dark Brandon’s eyes this whole time.

It’s gonna be a Cruel Summer for Donald Trump when he finds out who the Mastermind of all this really is. Oh, the Karma.

Ohhhhhhh these Illicit Affairs! Who’s pulling this Invisible String? ‘Tis The Damn Season to find out!

This Is Me Trying to end this blog post, guess we’ll just Shake It Off right now.

… Ready For It?

The end. (Taylor’s Version.)