[GeneticKiss]

This probably isn't the best place to discuss this, but...

I haven't known my girlfriend very long, and we haven't gone on many dates, but every date we have gone on has been absolutely wonderful (except our first, which was kinda awkward at the beginning but by the time it was over I found it hard to leave her)...but she has some issues with depression and self abuse and recently she seriously hurt herself. Her foster parents (her biological mother commited suicide when she was very young and her father became abusive) have basically forced her to get help...otherwise, she will inevitably kill herself (typing that was hard). It's something she must do on her own, and I have faith in her, but while I love her and she loves me, she does not always love herself.

I spoke with her foster mom today, and she told me she hopes she will help herself...

Please, pray for her...I know it's hard to pray for someone you don't know, but, please...just do it anyway.

Neg rep for whomever is tasteless and heartless enough to turn this into an anti-religious thread...

[Genteel Death]

Kill yourself.

[!@#$%!]

wow man i opened this thread expecting it to be about diarrheas but is your gf getting committed or is she just getting therapy? whatever works man. she should do it. getting dead is no fucking good.

[GeneticKiss]

She's not getting committed, but she needs more than just therapy sessions...

[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by GeneticKiss

She's not getting committed, but she needs more than just therapy sessions...

good thing it's getting done. going crazy is no fun. best wishes mang. supporting her means encouraging her to stick with the treatment, btw.

[SpaceCadetHayden]

Genetic, keep your head up and stay there for her. I hope everything works out for you. Times such as these are instances of great pain, strength and growth. Know that they will come to a close. This is just a moment in time. It will pass.

You, your girlfriend and her family are in my prayers.

[tw2113]

good luck with all of it man, hope she comes out of her dark times more sooner than later

[atsonicpark]

Man, every girl I've dated has had self-esteem problems, which has inevitably led to self-abuse, either mentally or physically. Even a girl saying she hates herself, constantly, is self-abuse. What I've found is that it usually isn't "serious" -- in the literal sense, I mean; teenage suicide is down, in fact -- but it is EXTREMELY serious, on a deeper level, in the fact that this will be something she will probably have to deal with for a long, long time, as is usually the case. I guess, in my case, I've always been attracted to loners, the girls who aren't big partiers and shit; inevitably, the most interesting people -- and the SMARTEST people -- are suicidal. There is a long history of this, let's look at Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, and so on and so forth, it seems like the smarter you are, the less happy you are in life, because ignorance is bliss. I, myself, have always been extremely depressed, but the older I get, the easier it is for me to cope with my problems. But when I was, oh, 20 years old or something, man.. I wanted to fucking DIE!

Anyway, right now, you might get blamed -- by her, by her parents -- you might even blame yourself. Ignore all this. Just be strong. Even if you're depressed out of your mind, yourself, you gotta be strong for her. See, people are ALWAYS looking for someone/something to blame. That's because everyone will be looking for the quick fix. Everyone's so quick to "hey, let's eliminate THIS" "or THAT" "or how about THIS and THAT?" This stuff is never quite that simple. Usually, people who are depressed, are depressed for deep, deep, far-reaching problems that extend many many years back. Some people don't even know why they're so happy, it's more on a subconscious level than anything. Still, life is a cold, depressing landscape. Everyone is looking for ways to escape, to distract themselves from boredom, because boredom is what usually leads us to realize how damn depressing the world really is. "I have nothing else to do, why not focus on HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE?"

How I "distract" myself from my problems is to play music. For a long ass time recently, I sat in my room and didn't go anywhere and didn't do much. I was very unhappy but now I have got some potential new bandmates and goddammit, I want to play! This won't solve everything, but it gives me somewhere to be, someone who desires my time/talent (y'know, relatively speaking -- I can play some weird arpeggios, I dunno if I'm "talented", but to some people, that's a skill they desire), so I have things to look forward to.

Just try to be there for her. Also realize that she will probably want to be alone a lot, too. Just try to help her create a healthy, comfortable environment for herself. She might get pissed off and push you away and blame you -- but when it's all said and done, she'll appreciate you for everything you have done. And sometimes, the best thing to do is to do nothing. She'll say and do some things right now that might really upset you, but that's probably just to push you away even more. I've had girls say they hate me, just so I'll leave them alone. Sometimes, they were looking for an "excuse" to stop living, so they figured if they could get rid of me, they could kill themselves, since they wouldn't have anything else to live for. Obviously, they always quickly abandoned that way of thinking, but when someone's depressed, they don't always think rationally.

Just be really strong. Realize that not everything right now is going to make sense. You might even have to take a little bit of abuse. You know your limits. But you know what? DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. This is not anything you did. this is not anything she even did. But this is something that, one day, won't matter. Things won't always be like this, no matter how awful they seem right now. You guys can get past this -- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Of course it seems like the end of the world right now, but if you can overcome this, you can overcome anything. You will be so much happier in the end. And she will be too.

She's going to be really really selfish right now. She needs to be. Make her feel like that's not a problem. Just make her understand that she has people there for her, who love her, who won't be mad at her for confronting the things she needs to confront. Obviously, just having someone there to really listen to her, will impress her greatly.

Like I said, I've always had these types of issues with girls I've dated -- sometimes, this killed the relationship. Other times, we continued to date for years afterwards. We usually both realized tha this wasn't going to work. However, my girlfrined now -- I love her so much... I am 4 years older than her... we've had similiar lives,to some degree, and then to another extent, our lives have been completely different. Still, we've both dealt with a few things are that identical, so we can definitely empathize on many things. She is such an amazing, wonderful person that I would do anything to help her out.

As of today, she is officially an EMT! She is going to be saving lives. This is all she needed. She can see the light at the end of the tunnel now. She LOVES helping people, period, so being an EMT and literally SAVING LIVES!!!!!!!... this is what she always secretly needed but she didn't realize it until she started taking the classes. Now, all her troubles seem to be going away. Her mind will be on work. She won't have time to be depressed. She'll be out there, with new friends -- peopel with similiar values, no longer surrounding herself with people who bring her down -- really making a DIFFERENCE!

As for me, I've often hung out with big druggies, and I used to think it was fun, but it was only fun because we were fucked up. With a somewhat clearer head, I've personally realized how many people have taken advantage of me, and my good graces. Just realizing I don't need those people to be happy has made me even happier.

You guys will get through this. If you ever need to talk, my pm box is always open.

[Dr. Eugene Felikson]

You're not alone genetic.

My girl got locked away for a few months in a mental ward, a couple years back, after she tried offing herself with sleeping pills. She used to be quite the self-mutilator too. You just need to be there for her throughout everything, and hopefully she will learn to overcome as you hopefully fill a void in her (no sexual pun intended).

My best friend is th same exact way. You just gotta be there for 'em man, usually they just want someone to vent to - to let them know that they're not crazy.

[GeneticKiss]

Originally Posted by atsonicpark

Man, every girl I've dated has had self-esteem problems, which has inevitably led to self-abuse, either mentally or physically. Even a girl saying she hates herself, constantly, is self-abuse. What I've found is that it usually isn't "serious" -- in the literal sense, I mean; teenage suicide is down, in fact -- but it is EXTREMELY serious, on a deeper level, in the fact that this will be something she will probably have to deal with for a long, long time, as is usually the case. I guess, in my case, I've always been attracted to loners, the girls who aren't big partiers and shit; inevitably, the most interesting people -- and the SMARTEST people -- are suicidal. There is a long history of this, let's look at Burroughs, Hunter S. Thompson, and so on and so forth, it seems like the smarter you are, the less happy you are in life, because ignorance is bliss. I, myself, have always been extremely depressed, but the older I get, the easier it is for me to cope with my problems. But when I was, oh, 20 years old or something, man.. I wanted to fucking DIE!

Anyway, right now, you might get blamed -- by her, by her parents -- you might even blame yourself. Ignore all this. Just be strong. Even if you're depressed out of your mind, yourself, you gotta be strong for her. See, people are ALWAYS looking for someone/something to blame. That's because everyone will be looking for the quick fix. Everyone's so quick to "hey, let's eliminate THIS" "or THAT" "or how about THIS and THAT?" This stuff is never quite that simple. Usually, people who are depressed, are depressed for deep, deep, far-reaching problems that extend many many years back. Some people don't even know why they're so happy, it's more on a subconscious level than anything. Still, life is a cold, depressing landscape. Everyone is looking for ways to escape, to distract themselves from boredom, because boredom is what usually leads us to realize how damn depressing the world really is. "I have nothing else to do, why not focus on HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE?"

How I "distract" myself from my problems is to play music. For a long ass time recently, I sat in my room and didn't go anywhere and didn't do much. I was very unhappy but now I have got some potential new bandmates and goddammit, I want to play! This won't solve everything, but it gives me somewhere to be, someone who desires my time/talent (y'know, relatively speaking -- I can play some weird arpeggios, I dunno if I'm "talented", but to some people, that's a skill they desire), so I have things to look forward to.

Just try to be there for her. Also realize that she will probably want to be alone a lot, too. Just try to help her create a healthy, comfortable environment for herself. She might get pissed off and push you away and blame you -- but when it's all said and done, she'll appreciate you for everything you have done. And sometimes, the best thing to do is to do nothing. She'll say and do some things right now that might really upset you, but that's probably just to push you away even more. I've had girls say they hate me, just so I'll leave them alone. Sometimes, they were looking for an "excuse" to stop living, so they figured if they could get rid of me, they could kill themselves, since they wouldn't have anything else to live for. Obviously, they always quickly abandoned that way of thinking, but when someone's depressed, they don't always think rationally.

Just be really strong. Realize that not everything right now is going to make sense. You might even have to take a little bit of abuse. You know your limits. But you know what? DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. This is not anything you did. this is not anything she even did. But this is something that, one day, won't matter. Things won't always be like this, no matter how awful they seem right now. You guys can get past this -- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Of course it seems like the end of the world right now, but if you can overcome this, you can overcome anything. You will be so much happier in the end.

Here's the thing, though- she doesn't really WANT to die, or so she tells me. Yeah, she hurt herself really badly, but it was totally by accident (okay, she hurt herself intentionally but she achieved more than she was trying to). Her foster mom doesn't blame me at all; rather, she kept telling me she knew I was concerned and thanked me again and again for feeling that way...she thinks I'm good for her. Me, on the other hand...I had a chance to go see her when she got back from a trip she went on recently but I turned it down (it was a holiday, I felt obligated to spend it with family)...yeah, I have no small regrets about that.

Yet at the same time, it's useless to regret things. She's in this situation because she cannot let go of the past, and I have the same problem a lot of the time. I'm always rerunning scenarios in my head that happened years ago, thinking about how I could have done things differently...but it's a waste of time. We cannot do anything with the past but learn from it.

Thanks for all your support, guys. Like I said, I have faith in her and of course I'll stand by her throughout this ordeal. It'll be tough, but I will be strong for her, and hopefully she'll feed off that and develop strength for herself. I hate to put it quite like this, but I want to believe she's hit rock bottom...because there's nowhere left to go from there but up.

[EVOLghost]

yeah dood....I really wasn't expecting this type of thread.


anyway.


a generalization of what everyone said.

[SONIC GAIL]

You know I will pray for her and he listens

[knox]

there's nothing you can do but be there for her.
offering support and understanding can make a huge difference.
it's also very important to understand that SHE has a problem (not caused by you or people around her) and no matter how hard you try you can't simply make it go away - otherwise she might see herself forced to pretend she's feeling better to please other people, and that doesn't have good consequences.
it's also important to understand HOW to live and deal with it, and not build up any unrealistic expectations that she'll ever be 100% fine - she'll feel pressured by it makes her feel like a 'burden'.
if you really want this to be a long term relationship, at some point you might wanna see if her therapist would like to see you, generally they have very good advice and will let you know what you can do to help.

i hope she feels better and it'll be ok - just a difficult period.
sometimes bad things happen for a good reason - in this case she's getting help.

hopefully, things will be better soon.

[atsonicpark]

Originally Posted by SONIC GAIL

You know I will pray for her and he listens

Amen. Heee hee. No, really, I believe in God, which has caused people to make fun of me, but I don't care. Because there have been things that have happened which totally feel like God telling me to wake up, you know?

But anyway, what doesn't kill you makes your stronger. She is going to learn a lot from this. Girls aren't as thick-headed as men. I have a feeling she's going to learn. I have a feeling this is going to be a profound and meaningful experience for her. Like Knox said, just be there -- don't force anything. Everything will happen as it neeeds to. Try not to worry.

[knox]

Originally Posted by Bytor Peltor

You asking such questions will not put any new ideas in her mind / thought process. They will provide her with the opportunity to share with you her very personal thoughts. Don't be shocked by her response. If she shares a clear thought out plan on how and why she would go about killing herself, do all that you can to seek professional help for her.

excellent idea.
if he doesn't get freaked out, she won't feel like such a freak and she'll feel like she can talk to someone.
let her know that a lot of people go through this and it's not her fault.

[GeneticKiss]

Hey everyone, I want to thank you again for all your support, and I felt it necessary to give you guys a little update.

First, maybe I need to give you guys some background. This whole thing began when I sent two text messages to her without getting a response, and her disappearing from work (we met there). I talked to her foster mom a few days later and she told me everything that had happened, and she had spent a few days in the hospital and had been moved to a crisis center, so she didn't have her phone, but she had my number in case she wanted to call me. I gave her family some stuff to give to her, and they did.

I've been saying little prayers that she be healed and find the courage to talk to me again, and this morning, right after my phone alarm clock went off, I said another one (actually this one was much more informal, along the lines of, "How about it, God? 'Call from [my girlfriend]'?") and literally two seconds later, the phone rings. I didn't recognize the number, but I got the sense that I should answer it. So I did, and lo and behold, it's her. We talked for a little bit; she thanked me for the stuff I gave her family and told me I could come see her if I wanted. Of course I accepted the invitation and when I saw her, she seemed happy and upbeat and told me that if we could get through this, we can get through anything. She also told me I shouldn't overburden myself constantly worrying about her, and I agreed.

She's tough. She'll get through this, and we'll get through this.

[artsygrrl]

Genetic, she is lucky to have you there for her. It can make all the difference in the world to her when someone she cares about really gives a shit. Try to be there thru thick and thin, if she will let you. It will take time.
Yeah, she is lucky to have a guy like you. <3

[Inhuman]

my ex-girlfriend did kill herself. Not because of me...in fact it was 3 years afterward but a similar situation as your gf. Her dad was abusive and her family life was a total mess. She also did self harm (once carved mine and her initials into her belly inside a heart), and occasionally tried to hang herself.

But guess what? I was 15 and had no fucking idea what to do except comfort her. I was bathed in innocence still and came from a family that was the exact opposite and didn't know what to do. And so she just had enough at one point and hung herself. I hadn't talked to her for years, so I don't know exactly what was up with her life at that point...but it couldn't have been good.

The lesson of this is you need to keep doing something dude and keep proactive about it. Even if she doesn't help herself, if you talk to professionals that know how to handle these matters, they can tell you what you need to know to fix this situation. My prayers go out to you and her bro.

[artsygrrl]

Genetic, keep us posted on this.

[GeneticKiss]

I promise further developments will be posted as soon as they are available.