[porkmarras]

Just watch this.It cracks me up:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=t5NjcZRbPrk

[porkmarras]

Originally Posted by Nefeli

yo, porkie! wanted to say a quick hello, so HI!

Hi sweets!Have you been on vacation?

[jon boy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRZo8CHsgp8

they dont deserve punishment they deserve gunishment.

[porkmarras]

Or this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nwK3pz1lmJA

[porkmarras]

And this is the funniest on the Armando Iannucci show.For all of you Sunday Papers readers:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=xByF-3twHFQ

[jon boy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGRFGBuByfE

office guy: do you want someone who's open and emotionaly good?

jill: no thank you

thats just for you porkchop.

[porkmarras]

Originally Posted by jon boy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGRFGBuByfE

thats just for you porkchop.

hahahahahaha.Did you watch the one i posted above with the cockney thug who wants to know what that girl read on the Sunday Observer?I gotta go to the toilet because i'm pissing myself.hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

[porkmarras]

Yes in september.I'm thinking of going to Poland.

[porkmarras]

Jam (TV series)

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Jam

 

The front cover of the DVD release of Jam.GenreAmbient comedyRunning timeapprox. 20 minutesCreator(s)Chris MorrisStarringChris Morris
Mark Heap
Kevin Eldon
Amelia Bullmore
David Cann
Julia DavisCountry of originUKOriginal network/channelChannel 4Original runMarch 2000–April 2000No. of episodes6Jam is a British comedy television series created by Chris Morris. It was based on the earlier BBC Radio 1 show, Blue Jam, and consisted of a series of unsettling sketches unfolding over an ambient soundtrack.
Many of the sketches re-used the original radio soundtracks with the actors lip-synching their lines, an unusual technique which added to the programme's unsettling atmosphere.
The show was broadcast on Channel 4 during March and April 2000.
The cast included Amelia Bullmore, David Cann, Julia Davis, Kevin Eldon and Mark Heap. It was written by Chris Morris and Peter Baynham, with Jane Bussman, David Quantick, Graham Linehan, Arthur Mathews and the cast. Chris Morris also stars in some sketches, although not as many as his co-stars.
The series consisted of six twenty-minute episodes, and, unusually for a TV show on a commercial channel, had no advert break in the middle. Some reports claim this was because no company would want their products associated with the show although others say Morris insisted on there being no advertisement break as it would ruin the show - presumably through disruption of the willing suspension of disbelief. The closing credits were also missing, replaced by a brief link to a website [1]. When the DVD of the series was released, the website changed and offered a link to a long sound file containing the thumping sound of heavy artillery, which it is suggested is played while watching the programme to simulate surround sound.
Jam is sometimes referred to as being "controversial", but in spite of containing scenes many would find quite disturbing (and prompting at least one article in the Daily Mail), it nonetheless did not receive the same outraged headlines as the Brass Eye episode on paedophilia Chris Morris produced the following year. This was probably because Jam was aired quite late and had no promotional trailers and so many people were unaware of it.
Jaaaaam was a late-night remix of Jam. Its audiovisual distortions of the original series introduced the musical remix concept to British television.

[porkmarras]

Opening Scenes

There were no opening titles to the show. Instead, they would begin with a strange and often disturbing monologue by Morris along with appropriate images. They usually concerned someone finding their paranoid fears being made real or some other bizarre happenings, such as a man waking up to find his body is that of a bizarre maggot creature (with Morris's dispassionate dialogue reading "...and when you wake up, wondering where you are, only to find that the rest of you is wondering where you've gone.")
Morris would then declare "Then welcome", followed by a nonsensical sentence (e.g. "Ooh, astonishing sod ape") before finally announcing "Welcome...in Jam." The word "Jam" would never be said normally; it would either be heavily distorted, said in a silly fashion or just screamed at the viewer, usually repeatedly.
Sketches often had a documentary feel to them, with the character(s) acting as if they were being interviewed about recent events.
[edit]

Episode Details

Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.
[edit]

Episode One

• Sketch 1

Two parents explain to a friend that they are worried their son will become homosexual because he has a friend who is apparently gay. The father has been having sex with his son's friend to keep him distracted, whilst the mother has been keeping her son "interested in ladies" by having sex with him. The friend is encouraged to pitch in and help.

• Sketch 2

Chris Morris announces it's "The day Kilroy lost his mind." There is then a series of manic shots of a lookalike of television presenter Robert Kilroy Silk going mad in a shopping mall, running around naked, shouting at passers-by, urinating on a shop window then falling asleep in a supermarket's freezer.

• Sketch 3

A doctor insists that one of his patients - who is obviously perfectly healthy - is in a coma, one that apparently has no symptoms. He then carries out a mercy killing on the heavily drugged patient.

• Sketch 4

An angry man walks down a street complaining that he recently took his car to a garage and, when he went to pick it up, the car was only four-foot-long, the mechanic insisting that that was how it was when it came in. The complaining man gets angrier and angrier as he explains this anecdote, swearing frequently and eventually attacking the pavement.

• Sketch 5

A forty-six-year-old man explains how he married himself out of fear of being a life-long bachelor. We see a shot of the wedding with the solitary newly-wed driving off on a honeymoon with himself.

• Sketch 6

A brief scene shows two men in an Indian restaurant. Poppadoms are served. One man breaks the poppadoms for ease of consumption. His dinner partner becomes enraged, flings the table aside and starts beating up the other man, the violent assault accompanied by very relaxing music.

• Sketch 7

An agency provides thick people for jobs they are good at, such as arguments, which they are apparently very good at winning "because they are too thick to realise they've lost."

• Sketch 8

A suicidal man wants to kill himself but, instead of leaping from the top of the building, he opts to throw himself from the first-floor repeatedly in case he changed his mind half-way through.

• Sketch 9

Whilst standing in a tree, a man spanks a woman with a spacehopper whilst she is singing "Loving You" by Minnie Riperton.

• Sketch 10

A wife's fury at her husband having been caught apparently having sex with another woman is tempered when her husband tells her he was merely raping the woman.

• Sketch 11

In the first of many sketches set in a general practitioner's office, a woman comes in to complain about her sore leg. The doctor goes to rub it and asks "Does this hurt" when in fact he's rubbing his own leg. He loses himself in the pleasure of stroking his thigh and asks the woman to leave. The visuals and audio of the sketch are slowed down, creating a very dreamy and even hypnotic effect. It is accompanied by An Ending/Ascent by Brian Eno.

[porkmarras]

Episode Two

• Sketch 1

A man is seduced by his wife's midwife and has sex with her in the next room whilst his own wife is in the middle of giving birth.

• Sketch 2

A doctor insists on going to the next room to listen to his patient list his symptoms over the telephone. The doctor has a very bad memory and ends up forgetting what he's doing, so that when the patient telephones the office next door, the doctor chides him for not making an appointment.

• Sketch 3

A recurring character is introduced, a man named Mr Bentham. Even compared to the surreal nature of the show, this recurring sketch is clearly dreamlike. In each sketch, Bentham enters a plush office for a meeting with a middle-aged man to whom he goes with his minor problems. In this one, Mr Bentham doesn't know what to do on Saturday evening. He is advised to go and see a show with some friends. Everyone involved in the Mr Bentham sketch is incredibly polite and formal with each other, although Mr Bentham always gets strangely nervous when making small-talk with the secretary outside.

• Sketch 4

A Dutch porn star (played by Chris Morris) explains his fear of getting "The Gush", which is apparently a terrible affliction male pornographic movie stars can sometimes get. It involves being unable to stop shooting semen, resulting in the victim ejaculating themselves to death over a period of several days.

• Sketch 5

A man throws himself into an industrial shredder that is set up to spray his bloody remains over his ex-wife's house. He calls out to her before jumping into the shredder so that the horrified woman leans out the window just in time to get a face full of gore.

• Sketch 6

Faked CCTV footage shows television presenter Richard Madeley beating up a cleaner and having sex with a vending machine.

• Sketch 7

One of the most controversial sketches of the series shows a woman begging a plumber to "fix" her dead baby. She reasons that the baby is only really constructed of pipes and other materials, and tells the plumber that he would easily be able to repair the corpse to working order. He is very reluctant, but after being offered £1,000 an hour he takes the job and uses the baby as a housing for steam-ejecting pipes, taps, and various other things. We do not see his completed work, but the mother - who is obviously quite deranged - is very happy with the results.

• Sketch 8

We hear the sounds of a car bomb going off in the distance, and we see a policeman looking in the same direction as the sound. Eventually, a woman, covered in blood and obviously wounded, begs the policeman for help, but he runs away, yelling behind him "I wasn't looking!" The woman collapses a few seconds later

• Sketch 9

A brief scene shows a crying woman complaining "I can't feel my cock" when her mother asks her what's up. A possible reference to Futanari.

• Sketch 10

A middle-aged man declares how is doesn't like the idea of dying in his old age and so has himself buried (alive) "whilst I'm in my prime." He sits up in the coffin during the funeral service, listening to his own eulogy.
[edit]

Episode Three

• Sketch 1

A woman, with her grinning husband beside her, explains her preferred method of foreplay. It involves her husband coming home crying and claiming he has just been homosexually raped "by a gang of street poofs."

• Sketch 2

A doctor asks to see a patient's penis, which he then expresses great admiration for, much to the concern of the patient who actually only came in with a headache. The doctor then shows off his own penis. His colleague catches him and tells him off, making it apparent the doctor does this regularly. The doctor then asks if he will be able to do the same thing a few more times before being reported, and the colleague grudgingly agrees.

• Sketch 3

A woman whose housing rent has recently gone up decides to take action by lowering the house prices in the area (Kilburn) by spreading grease on shop windows and frying excrement on a grill by the side of the road.

• Sketch 4

An angry couple complain to a repairman that their new television has lizards coming out of it. The repairman offers some hopeless solutions ("sweep them up"), and then accuses the couple of putting the lizards there themselves. They angrily ask for his name and his manager's name in order to report him; he only mockingly gives them "Mr. Lizard" and taunts them before strolling out of the house, laughing. The husband becomes mad with rage, and his wife slaps him.

• Sketch 5

A manageress cannot afford to give a member of staff a pay-rise so, as an alternative, she offers to fart on her secretary's head. The employee is quite satisfied with this although the secretary is understandably rather distressed.

• Sketch 6

A man tries to hold up a shop by insisting he has a gun in his stomach. The cashier doesn't believe him and attempts the serve the next customer, so he fires it. The gun shoots the wrong way, blowing the would-be robber's spine out and killing a customer that was waiting quietly behind him.

• Sketch 7

A scene without dialogue shows happy couples strolling around near an abortion clinic all holding tiny coffins; one woman who has a tiny coffin greets another who is pregnant and waves goodbye to the bump.

• Sketch 8

Mr Ventham goes to see his mysterious advisor, to whom he complains he can't find his wallet. The advice-dispensing man suggests he looks around the kitchen for it.

• Sketch 9

During a press-conference, a couple sing a tearful song, accompanied by a cheap synthesizer, begging for their young son to be returned safely to them by his captor.

• Sketch 10

In order to help get their son into a very competitive local school, a couple have been sabotaging the competition. This involves getting other people's (very young) children drunk and encouraging them to smoke and take up an interest in pornography

[porkmarras]

Episode Four

• Sketch 1

A doctor, allegedly to raise money for a little girl with head cancer, offers telephone sex, even when he is with patients. One patient is horrified when, in between asking him about his symptoms, the doctor keeps picking up the phone or speaking through a headset and saying things like "I've come on my knee", always in a very formal voice.

• Sketch 2

A maid gets very upset when her employee tells her off for taking so long to vacuum the house because she uses a tiny vacuum cleaner that is only a few inches in height.

• Sketch 3

In a scene reminiscent of Nikita, a man has a fight with a friend and waits for someone to come round and dispose of the body. The person who arrives is a six-year-old girl, who, despite her tender age, turns out to be very proficient at chopping up corpses. She is also very foul-mouthed and carries a gun. The body turns out not to be dead, but she kills him so that she can finish the job. The police arrest the surviving man.

• Sketch 4

A young boy complains to his mum that there is a monster in his wardrobe. When she goes to check the monster turns out to be an old man, who uncaringly, tells the mother, when she asks what he was doing, that he was going to abduct and rape the child. The mother does not seem distressed, and tells the man to go downstairs and wait until she's gone to bed to abduct he child.

• Sketch 5

A couple grieving for a miscarried baby are horrified when their cheerful neighbour comes round with a present in the form of a miniature coffin, which he proudly proclaims that he made himself. The couple are not impressed, and the man explains that coffins aren't generally used. The conversation runs dry and the neighbour attempts to console them by pointing out that the baby was his.

• Sketch 6

Seen through a window, two men shoot one another in their rectums with automatic pistols then roll around in agony and apparent sexual pleasure.

• Sketch 7

A very lonely woman with a dull voice goes to great lengths to meet people, such as by setting up traps to injure them so she can come to the rescue, or in one instance dressing up as a policewoman and telling a woman her son is dead then immediately asking the sobbing mother if she wants to see "Cats" at the theatre that evening.
[edit]

Episode Five

• Sketch 1

A woman who claims to perform acupuncture actually practices crucifixion, explaining that she puts them out in the back yard and 'sometimes they're down by morning'.

• Sketch 2

When he is accused of prescribing heroin to a girl, a doctor blinds himself by flashing a spotlight into his face and thus enabling him to go home sick (he intends on driving) and avoid having to give an explanation for his actions.

• Sketch 3

A couple reluctantly agree to buy a house after the vendor insists that, on top of the asking price, he wants to have sex with the intended purchasers. The couple eventually grow tired of it and the husband lets his mentally handicapped sister take his place for the sex session.

• Sketch 4

Featuring CCTV footage of his actions, an inept armed robber admits that his plan of holding up a shop with an axe went a bit wrong when "the day I went in with the axe wasn't the same day as the day I made the threatening gestures".

• Sketch 5

Standing in a rainy field, a man - played by Chris Morris - explains how he survives by living outside and eating moss and insects. He ignores his wife who keeps suggesting he move back in to the house. He tells that sometimes he thinks that it would be so easy to go back in, but it would be giving up. He concludes by saying that he will probably be killed off by a frost when the winter comes.

• Sketch 6

Whilst giving directions, a man urinates on the side of the car belonging to the man asking for the directions. Bizarrely, the car has urinals all round it, except at the place the man is standing.

• Sketch 7

Two parents seem totally unconcerned when their young son does not come home from school. It is some time before they bother trying to find out what happened to him. When the police telephone them and say they have found the boy's raped and strangled corpse, the parents are rather annoyed that they are obliged to bury him, and the father vows to "Have a word" - polite but indignant - with the man, a friend, suspected of carrying out the murder.
[edit]

Episode Six

• Sketch 1

A woman invites the man from next door into her flat. She opens by asking him to feel her breast, and explains that she will have to slap him for doing so. She does; this repeats, and after a number of similar advances, ends up tricking the man into "raping" her, for which he is arrested. Despite her warnings, the man still gives in to his urges.

• Sketch 2

CCTV footage shows a children's game of musical chairs which turns nasty when some over-competitive parents start attacking each other's children and then each other.

• Sketch 3

To his horror, a timid security guard in an office witnesses several people step into a lift shaft and, thanks to the lift not actually being there, they plunge, screaming, to the bottom. He tries to warn others but his nervousness doesn't allow him to get the warnings out in time. They all ignore him and continue to stroll into the empty lift shaft and fall to their deaths.

• Sketch 4

A couple explain that they are convinced their five-year-old daughter is actually a forty-six-year-old man trapped inside a child's body. They give her an operation to fit her with a penis and testicles. They express particular satisfaction with the testicles. We do not actually see the handywork, as it is out of shot.

• Sketch 5

Two male friends start kissing whilst in a pub, despite evidently having no previous homosexual urges. They try to tell their wives when they arrive but the women think it's a joke.

• Sketch 6

A couple go to see a doctor and refuse to believe the diagnosis that the wife is pregnant. She believes her swollen belly is just a "spot". The couple believe that the doctor is attempting to examine the woman for her own sexual gratification, whilst the doctor attempts to explain the pregnancy.

• Sketch 7

In a veterinary surgery, a man requests that he is allowed to have sex with his dog whilst it is in the process of being euthanised. The veterinary refuses, so the man contents himself by just pulling down his trousers whilst he watches his dog die.

• Sketch 8

Police hunt for a corpse in the woods whilst two rather bizarre elfin figures leap and covort around them, singing to Piero Umiliani's Mah Na Mah Na. One memorable sight is that of a clarinet being placed in the corpse's mouth and being 'played' by his chest being manually pumped.

• Sketch 9

A couple have an incredibly bizarre session of sex, involving such antics as the man fulfilling the woman's request to "shit your leg off" before he begs the woman: "Whack my bonobo!! Whack my bonobo!!". The woman eventually demands that the man makes his sperm come out green, but he can't do this; and when the sex session fails, he complains about his leg. We see very little of this, merely a shot from a camcorder half-buried under a pillow.

• Sketch 10

A woman goes to a doctor with her son, who can't help wetting himself. The doctor insists that there is nothing wrong with wetting oneself, and proves it by doing exactly that in front of his horrified patients. As with most 'Doctor' sketches, the speech is distorted, and the 'torrent of urine' shot is shown in slow-motion, adding to the dreamlike effect of the sketch.

[porkmarras]

Look around you:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7LqYBncyKpM

[PAULYBEE2656]

sheer quality television. the radio shows blue jam are exceptionally amazing too. im hoping chris morris will come up with something equally as good soon. its been a while since he has done anything real real originally good!

[porkmarras]

Look around you:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-z-ScbO9CTs

[porkmarras]

Originally Posted by Nefeli

neato! september sounds good, before cold kicks in poland...brr.

Did you go somewhere this summer?

[porkmarras]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ReWCaZM8ptM

[porkmarras]

Originally Posted by Nefeli

yes, to islands here. milos island and then camping in evoia -am becoming a camper at my 35..hehe.
do your research for poland (we also have few polish members as you know!)-you ll go there many days?

Probably for a week.I'm going with a polish friend so that should be good fun.Sounds like you've had a lot of fun.

[sonicl]

Morning Porkmeister. Move go okay?

EDIT - Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt

[porkmarras]

Yeah i'm glad that i'm going with someone who's from Poland so i'll avoid the tourist traps and all that.Afternoon sonicl.Move has gone smoothly,thanks, but this week will be spent doing a lot of sorting out in the place.