[luxinterior]

I try to avoid starting threads like this (or starting threads in general), but I am in need of some urgent advice and I hope some of you will reply.

My mom's best friend Jane wants to set me up on a date with this guy named Ryan who used to babysit for her kids. I've known him for a while, but we are not close in any way. I think he's probably 22 or something, I don't really know. Apparently he's been interested in me, or something, and Jane left me a voicemail last night asking if it was okay if she gave him my number. About a month ago she threw this idea by me, but she was drunk at the time so I didn't really take it seriously, and just said sure, whatever. Well it seems as if she wasn't drunk enough to forget what I said, and must have told Ryan I was cool with it. This in itself is not a problem. I have nothing against this guy. He's nice, he's attractive, he's clean, and Jane tells me our personalities are very similar, and I take her word for that. I feel odd about how this has all been arranged, because I feel like I have little control over it, and almost no privacy, but then again if he turns out to be a great person I could probably brush all of that off. So the real problem is that my interests at the moment lie elsewhere. There's this guy who is in both of my art classes--let's call him Robert, because that is his name. At the beginning of the semester, I didn't much care for him. I thought he was kind of a tool, and this wasn't really based on anything because I rarely talked to him. I literally looked at his sandals and thought, God, what an asshole, and proceeded to give him crap about various things from that point on. I even told him later on that I felt this way about him at first, which he thought was funny. So at first I was kind of a bitch to him, but he never seemed to mind, and would either just brush off my insults or send a few inoffensive ones back in my direction. Eventually I decided that he was all right and kind of endearing. He's very nice to me, helps me out in class all the time, and still does not have a stalkerish mentality (always a plus). And we actually have quite a bit in common as it turns out. Also, I've just realized that he's very fit and quite good looking. He's 19, the same age as I am.

About a week ago the art department took a field trip, and my friend Chelsey, who works at Six Flags and is in the same sculpture class as Robert and I, took me aside during the trip and asked me if I liked Robert. I didn't really know how to respond, because at that point I had not pieced all of this together in my mind. I did like Robert, but considering how weird I feel about commitment of any kind, I had not put the two ideas together on my own. Chelsey then went on and on about how she noticed Robert acting differently around me, and how he obviously liked me, and all of that. That's all good and fine, but he hasn't made any kind of move, and Chelsey thinks it's because I'm too intimidating. Robert is not a shy person, so she thinks that I just need to make myself a bit clearer before he does anything about it, because he might think it's a one-sided kind of thing. I am not good at this part, so any suggestions are welcome. To me, it's obvious that I give him more attention than I do any other guy in class, but he probably does not realize that, even though I have told him that I am very fond of him. If I were him, I would be scared of me. So I can understand. With all of that said, this is not some huge problem. It is more like something that may figure itself out eventually once one of us grows a pair. The problem is how this is happening at the same time as all of the stuff with Jane setting me up with Ryan. If I had to pick I would choose Robert, because I do not know Ryan as well as him, and I don't know how comfortable I would be around Ryan, if at all. Basically I need to reply back to Jane ASAP, stating whether or not I want to be set up on a date with Ryan. I don't want to hit it off with Ryan if the thing with Robert will actually go somewhere. But I also don't want to miss this chance with Ryan if it seems nothing will happen with Robert. The only downside about pursuing this thing with Robert that I can see would be if we were to date and then break up and I would have to see him every day in class, because we are both art people. Although the strangeness of that would all depend on how it ended I suppose. Anyway, responses please. This turned out much longer than I had intended for it to be, but I wanted to communicate the situation as best as I could.

[girlgun]

you don't have to pick, you know. you're young. ask robert out AND give ryan a whirl. you know why? because you can.

[Danny Himself]

I say postpone a date with Ryan until you know how the Robert thing works out. Two-time for a while.

[luxinterior]

Originally Posted by girlgun

you don't have to pick, you know. you're young. ask robert out AND give ryan a whirl. you know why? because you can.

Believe me I have seriously considered this option (and would actually prefer it), but I have very little time to give to either one as it is, and I really can't imagine how that would work out. I have done it before and it has never turned out well.

[girlgun]

Originally Posted by luxinterior

Believe me I have seriously considered this option (and would actually prefer it), but I have very little time to give to either one as it is, and I really can't imagine how that would work out. I have done it before and it has never turned out well.

but you're not obligated to either one. i understand time constraints, but it is in your best interest to "date" and find out what's best for you.

[ThePits]

Try a date with each one, that should give you more of an idea
Forget any ideas of seeing both at the same time, its just messy and fundamentally dishonest

[!@#$%!]

oy! the stories!

luxy is the new jane austen.

well what you need to do is simple, i think.

you pursue your interest and agree to a cup of coffee with the other guy.

a cup of coffee (doesn't *need* to be coffee, can be anything, but it's the type of social ritual im talking about) is totally tentative and noncommittal. it can last 15 minutes or 45.

if you like him after the coffee, then maybe, who knows, whatever, check him out for lunch. if you don't like him then you're free to focus on the other fool.

my take is that you're out of practice and are making a big deal of thi. you don't have to make out with the guy or anything. have a nice chat at starbucks and then maybe you can just be friends...

anyway, nobody's asking you to get married or even let them hold your hand. if coffee doesnt work due to schedule, lunch is good too-- you always have to "get back to work", and if it's a flop it's just 30 minutes of your day that are ruined.

??

so yeah, dont make a big production out of this. keep it casual.

[girlgun]

Originally Posted by !@#$%!

oy! the stories!

luxy is the new jane austen.

well what you need to do is simple, i think.

you pursue your interest and agree to a cup of coffee with the other guy.

a cup of coffee (doesn't *need* to be coffee, can be anything, but it's the type of social ritual im talking about) is totally tentative and noncommittal. it can last 15 minutes or 45.

if you like him after the coffee, then maybe, who knows, whatever, check him out for lunch. if you don't like him then you're free to focus on the other fool.

my take is that you're out of practice and are making a big deal of thi. you don't have to make out with the guy or anything. have a nice chat at starbucks and then maybe you can just be friends...

anyway, nobody's asking you to get married or even let them hold your hand. if coffee doesnt work due to schedule, lunch is good too-- you always have to "get back to work", and if it's a flop it's just 30 minutes of your day that are ruined.

??

so yeah, dont make a big production out of this. keep it casual.

you say stuff better than me.

that's what i get for being mortal, huh?

[luxinterior]

I wish I had either one of them on Facebook (hell I don't even know if they have Facebook) so I could post their pictures and you all could just tell me who's hotter.

Oddly enough the last guy I went out with (and I use the phrase "went out with" lightly) was named Rob and that did not turn out well at all. Actually, I hesitate to say that we went out on "dates" because I never liked him and was never attracted to him, and always tried to pay my own way only to have him argue with me for 5 minutes about it until I got sick of it and gave in. He was the one who thought he was taking me out on dates, but he never actually said that he liked me, though it was obvious he was kind of obsessed. I didn't even realize he liked me in the beginning. One day out of the blue he called and asked me if I wanted to catch a movie. I didn't think anything of it, and said okay. He had never given any indication of liking me, or that I was anything more to him than someone who he had to work with in Theater shop class. After we went out, he never stopped calling/e-mailing, he wouldn't give me any space, and he was just hard to get rid of. I thought eventually he took the hint when I kept refusing all of his offers to go out again, but he started back up again with the calls and the e-mails and all that shit. It was stupid. He's one of those people who thought that he had so much in common with me when it's painfully obvious that we are completely different, incompatible people. I do think opposites attract, but there is the good kind of opposite and then there is the bad kind of opposite (a person who exhibits all of your most hated character traits, rather than ones that are just different from your own).

[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by girlgun

you say stuff better than me.

that's what i get for being mortal, huh?

can i interest you in a subscription to organ harvest quarterly?

immortality is within your reach.

if that is not for you, you could also go robot, like mr. flotz.

[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by luxinterior

I wish I had either one of them on Facebook (hell I don't even know if they have Facebook) so I could post their pictures and you all could just tell me who's hotter.

Oddly enough the last guy I went out with (and I use the phrase "went out with" lightly) was named Rob and that did not turn out well at all. Actually, I hesitate to say that we went out on "dates" because I never liked him and was never attracted to him, and always tried to pay my own way only to have him argue with me for 5 minutes about it until I got sick of it and gave in. He was the one who thought he was taking me out on dates, but he never actually said that he liked me, though it was obvious he was kind of obsessed. I didn't even realize he liked me in the beginning. One day out of the blue he called and asked me if I wanted to catch a movie. I didn't think anything of it, and said okay. He had never given any indication of liking me, or that I was anything more to him than someone who he had to work with in Theater shop class. After we went out, he never stopped calling/e-mailing, he wouldn't give me any space, and he was just hard to get rid of. I thought eventually he took the hint when I kept refusing all of his offers to go out again, but he started back up again with the calls and the e-mails and all that shit. It was stupid. He's one of those people who thought that he had so much in common with me when it's painfully obvious that we are completely different, incompatible people. I do think opposites attract, but there is the good kind of opposite and then there is the bad kind of opposite (a person who exhibits all of your most hated character traits, rather than ones that are just different from your own).

what does it matter whom we consider "hotter"? i say the one with best boobs. but really, it's up to you and what you like. besides, photos schmotos, it's about who you get along with and who gets your kitty purring. ha ha ha. omg i said that. well ha haha. forgive me if it offends you. but you get the idea.

about the rest, stop focusing on previous disasters and if you like one of them just grab them by the neck & let them have it. if you don't like any, don't take any. i like you... as a friend.

wait, i'm a guy, i think differently... but i think i make sense anyway.

if in doubt, just ask jane austen...

[luxinterior]

Originally Posted by !@#$%!

oy! the stories!

luxy is the new jane austen.

well what you need to do is simple, i think.

you pursue your interest and agree to a cup of coffee with the other guy.

a cup of coffee (doesn't *need* to be coffee, can be anything, but it's the type of social ritual im talking about) is totally tentative and noncommittal. it can last 15 minutes or 45.

if you like him after the coffee, then maybe, who knows, whatever, check him out for lunch. if you don't like him then you're free to focus on the other fool.

my take is that you're out of practice and are making a big deal of thi. you don't have to make out with the guy or anything. have a nice chat at starbucks and then maybe you can just be friends...

anyway, nobody's asking you to get married or even let them hold your hand. if coffee doesnt work due to schedule, lunch is good too-- you always have to "get back to work", and if it's a flop it's just 30 minutes of your day that are ruined.

??

so yeah, dont make a big production out of this. keep it casual.

The thing that makes me uncomfortable with Ryan is that I am going to have to see him in the future whether we go out or not. I'm just trying to avoid these awkward situations. This is why I try not to get involved with people who are "friends of the family." Also, I like my privacy. Jane has been trying to hook us up since I was 15 (unbeknownst to me until just recently), and the only objection Ryan had back then was that I was too young (but it was no matter, I found my own 19/20 year old even back then, heh).

I dated around a lot this summer, which is standard fare for Six Flags employees. It was no big deal. I did not know any of these people prior to getting hired there. I went out with people at the same time. It did not phase me, and I didn't worry about other people's feelings because most of it was more physical than anything else. This current situation is different for reasons I already explained. It's like Ryan has more invested in this than I do. I would totally go for it, too, if I hadn't met Robert. I am bad at cutting things off with people, if that's what I would have to do. I have had bad experiences in the past when I've tried to do that. Most of them can't come to terms with it and keep calling and stuff. That really makes me a nervous wreck. !@#$%, you know about some of the stuff that occurred when I was in Chicago, so think about it from that angle. Even when I tell people directly that I don't want to continue things the way they are, most of the time they don't listen. The Rob guy I talked about couldn't take it. The other day he gave me a DVD of Lawrence of Arabia for no apparent reason. I fucking have the fucking movie already, and he knew this, so what the hell was that about? It makes me really uncomfortable. I take different routes to get to class now so that I can avoid him. He sent me a voicemail the other day saying that he thought my haircut was "beautiful" even though I haven't exactly been on speaking terms with him lately. It's creeping me out. So I just try to be cautious, you know? This is my most persistent fear we are talking about. I appreciate your advice, and it is very possible that I am making a big deal out of nothing (probably the case), but past experiences have taught me differently and so I can't help but be extra careful.

[luxinterior]

Originally Posted by !@#$%!

what does it matter whom we consider "hotter"? i say the one with best boobs. but really, it's up to you and what you like. besides, photos schmotos, it's about who you get along with and who gets your kitty purring. ha ha ha. omg i said that. well ha haha. forgive me if it offends you. but you get the idea.

I know, I was just joking, though now I am curious as to what the response would be. I would make sure to post spectacular pictures of their boobs. And no, that other comment does not offend.

about the rest, stop focusing on previous disasters and if you like one of them just grab them by the neck & let them have it. if you don't like any, don't take any. i like you... as a friend.

wait, i'm a guy, i think differently... but i think i make sense anyway.

if in doubt, just ask jane austen...

I prefer the Brontë sisters anyway.

[pbradley]

Personally, chicks that fool around just because they can bother me just as much as guys that do the same thing. Same "whatever dude" mentality that has always annoyed me.

Then again, even in middle school I've had a high regard for maturity and honesty. I've entertained superficial relationships in the past and always had to cut it short. Eh, don't mind me, it's your choice of course and I'm nobody to judge.

[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by luxinterior

The thing that makes me uncomfortable with Ryan is that I am going to have to see him in the future whether we go out or not. I'm just trying to avoid these awkward situations. This is why I try not to get involved with people who are "friends of the family." Also, I like my privacy. Jane has been trying to hook us up since I was 15 (unbeknownst to me until just recently), and the only objection Ryan had back then was that I was too young (but it was no matter, I found my own 19/20 year old even back then, heh).

I dated around a lot this summer, which is standard fare for Six Flags employees. It was no big deal. I did not know any of these people prior to getting hired there. I went out with people at the same time. It did not phase me, and I didn't worry about other people's feelings because most of it was more physical than anything else. This current situation is different for reasons I already explained. It's like Ryan has more invested in this than I do. I would totally go for it, too, if I hadn't met Robert. I am bad at cutting things off with people, if that's what I would have to do. I have had bad experiences in the past when I've tried to do that. Most of them can't come to terms with it and keep calling and stuff. That really makes me a nervous wreck. !@#$%, you know about some of the stuff that occurred when I was in Chicago, so think about it from that angle. Even when I tell people directly that I don't want to continue things the way they are, most of the time they don't listen. The Rob guy I talked about couldn't take it. The other day he gave me a DVD copy of Lawrence of Arabia for no apparent reason. I fucking have the fucking movie already, and he knew this, so what the hell was that about? It makes me really uncomfortable. I take different routes to get to class now so that I can avoid him. He sent me a voicemail the other day saying that he thought my haircut was "beautiful" even though I haven't exactly been on speaking terms with him lately. It's creeping me out. So I just try to be cautious, you know? This is my most persistent fear we are talking about. I appreciate your advice, and it is very possible that I am making a big deal out of nothing (probably the case), but past experiences have taught me differently and so I can't help but be extra careful.

oh, i see. sorry, i did not know that you had fear of the stalker in this case. get used to being gorgeous and pursued. well no. but you have to understand that a guy can be totally obsessed with a girl without being creepy or a threat. well maybe a little creepy, but ultimately harmless. once they see you with a boyfriend they will tend to back off.

i think i told you my wife had a stalker, no? before she and i met. he was a perfectly nice guy who would show up at her window and shit. i don't think he meant any harm, i met him once, he was really mellow and friendly. i even found out that he and i lived in the same apartment building, and then she moved in with me. but he never ever showed up at MY doorstep.

then again, i've chased women like mad, and people thought i was a stalker. nonsense, i tell you. i was just very young and horny and she was gorgeousisisima, and a wonderful poet. i plead the 5th. but anyway...

this girl whom i once chased also got spooked by me becasue some stalking asshole had left a knife on her door when she was a teenager. PTSD.

also there was this woman i went out with, a stalker broke into her house, they put him in jail.

so if you fear for your safety, that's another story. but you have a loony radar, don't you?

random question: do you have a tendency to attract desperate guys? i know this may sound mean, but sometimes being nice to everyone will give people the wrong idea. without being a bitch, you can be indifferent to those who show mild signs of psychopathology...

then also, if the whole ryan situation makes you uncomfortable, you definitely don't have to accept. just say or convey the message that you're seeing someone at this time, but thanks for asking. "maybe another time". having your relatives meddle in your love life is a throwback to the days of arrange marriages. that alone disqualifies him, in my eyes. having your dates set up by some old lady: creepy. especially for a guy. so if you wanna be kind, "hey thanks, but i'm seeing someone at the moment".

same thing with the stalkers. make up a fictional boyfriend, show them your autographed picture of willem dafoe, and chances are they might leave you alone.

but it's better to cut off insecure desperate people before thing snowball out of control. sniff them out. early warning systems FTW.

[!@#$%!]

Originally Posted by luxinterior

I prefer the Brontë sisters anyway.

me too! but do you really want heathcliff and all the drama?

[luxinterior]

Well one thing I believe in is not committing to people when I'm still young. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You just have to make sure the other people are on the same page. I don't purposefully try to fool anyone.

[pbradley]

Originally Posted by luxinterior

Well one thing I believe in is not committing to people when I'm still young. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You just have to make sure the other people are on the same page. I don't purposefully try to fool anyone.

Oh I agree. I'm 22 and I still think I'm in the non-committing territory. But the less interesting of two relationships is always just dead weight in my book and I have been the friend in the middle keeping secrets before. It's not fun.

[girlgun]

Originally Posted by pbradley

Oh I agree. I'm 22 and I still think I'm in the non-committing territory. But the less interesting of two relationships is always just dead weight in my book and I have been the friend in the middle keeping secrets before. It's not fun.

to clarify...my point wasn't that she should keep both relationships...it was that she'd have to test them out to see which one clicked better with her. you can't really tell until you go out a few times, you know?

[Alex's Trip]

Come to California, get a sex change, and we'll date instead.

I say go out with Robert, and meet this Ryan fellow. Meet him and become acquaintances, nothing more.